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Thursday, July 29, 2021

THURSDAY JOKES - 66

 

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be fine. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man!


Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whorehouse for some fun. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So, she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to do their business.
After the two men were finished, they started their journey home and were talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"


A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti…
It says, “Damn, that was one hell of an orgy!”


An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. 

"Well," said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's fine," said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"


Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife has passed away!


Why is Santa’s sack so big?

He only comes once a year!

 

An elderly couple who was childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighbourhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walked down to their old school. There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, and they didn't know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money, and it was fifty-thousand ringgit.
The husband says: "We've got to give it back".
She says, "finders' keepers" and puts the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money showed up at their home.
One knocks on the door and says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
She says: "No".
The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." 
But the policemen sat the man down and begin to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the policeman looks at his partner and says: "We'll share the loot ..."   

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