SATURDAY JOKES - 113

 

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to his family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair and approved it.

When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.

Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an act of God!!!"

An older man in the back stood up and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God too and we wear rubbers for them!"

An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. 

When the man's wife said that he had 'departed,' the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"

Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is "nobody"."

"When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: "Help, nobody is attacking me!"

No one came to help him!

A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20 years. 

When he found another woman he said to her, "I shall divorce you because you are said to be blind in one eye."

And she answered him: 'Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage?"

Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: "In silence!"

There were three men in the desert.

The owner of the ox was reluctant to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow was reluctant because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon was reluctant because he feared his load would be stolen. 

So, two of them went out into the desert except the owner of the cow. In their absence, the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf that ate the wagon's load.   

Problem: Who owns the calf?

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up. 

The husband said, "Who was that?" 

The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear!"

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So, the chicken drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. The chicken then throws the other end of the rope to the friend, the horse and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So, he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did just that and pulled himself to safety!

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!

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