TUESDAY JOKES - 121

 

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomach is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It isn't so bad," one crook noted. "We got RM 25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers - we had RM 100 when we broke in!"

Why don't pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore!

A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So, he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch. A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.

She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job which is very commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just..."

"I had to throw the book at him," said the judge.
"I know," said the librarian, "but the entire Encyclopedia Britannica?"

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi!

An interim school superintendent, speaking at a city-wide PTA luncheon, assured members that he was always happy to hear from them about problems. He told them, "You can call me day or night, at this number . . ."
Suddenly there was a cry from the assistant superintendent. "Hey," he exclaimed, "that's MY number!"

Why are elevator jokes so good?

They work on many levels!

An elderly couple suffering from deteriorating memory signed up for a power memory class to improve their memories. The power memory method taught them to remember things by associating these with familiar objects. After completing the 5-day course, the old man was discussing the merits of the course with a neighbour in his backyard.

The old man claimed, "Signing up for that power memory class was one of the best things I've ever done."

The neighbour asked, "So who was your instructor?"

"Well, lemme see," said the old man. "What do you, ah, call that flower that smells nice but, Ummm, has those thorns..."

"A rose?" volunteered the neighbour.

"Yeah, right!" nodded the old man who then turned towards his house and yelled, "Hey, Rose, what was the name of the instructor in our power memory class?"

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