TUESDAY JOKES - 304

 

Bukit Madei, Gombak, Selangor, Malaysia

Two Viagra pills walked into a bar. They sat down next to two marijuana plants who were engrossed in an animated discussion.

“I don’t get it,” one marijuana plant said to the other, “Why aren’t we legal? Nobody’s being hurt by us.”
One of the Viagra pills scoffed at them.
The marijuana plant turned to him and asked, “What’s your problem, don’t you think we should be legal?”
“No”, the Viagra pill replied. “We’re hard-on-drugs.”

 

“Yoda, are you sure we’re headed in the right direction?”
“Of course, we are…”

 

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: “Get me a beer before it starts!”
The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he said: “Get me another beer before it starts!”
She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute!”
The wife was furious. “Is that all you’re going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore…”
The man sighed and said: “It has started.”

 

Follow this sentence: children who can’t pay attention are considered to have a disorder.

Children, who can’t pay attention? I don’t know, they just won’t focus.

There are seven.

That could be the issue!

 

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple of days ago – that’s not the joke, that’s what we called the setup.

I saw myself naked, and I said, Holy cow, I’m the White Man. I’ve heard a lot of bad things about you.

 

A fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.
Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest on Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.
Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare his skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his rifle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said.

The fox died later; Tanjug added.

 

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.

They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?”
“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -“
His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”
“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday…”

 

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for RM 20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly RM 1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over RM 2 million and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally, he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’
That’s when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.

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Folly of can’t touch packed beers but no qualms if money has passed through hands of pork butchers

 

SUCH was the reaction from non-Muslims after one Muslim shopper proposed to Lotus’s Malaysia especially its Taiping outlet to open a special payment counter for non-halal items with specific reference to beers in view of hectic last minute Chinese New Year (CNY) shopping.

His proposal is to have a non-Muslim cashier there to scan and handle payment for beer purchases as he felt sympathetic towards Muslim cashiers who have to handle such transaction.

“I’m fine with non-Muslims buying beers and other non-halal items. Buy them and consume them for it’s your rights to do so,” penned the digital marketing trainer on his Facebook page which at the time of writing has garnered 2.6K likes, 2.9K comments and 171 shares.

“But the vendor needs to understand the culture and religion of the local community. Muslims shouldn’t be involved in non-halal products.”

Unfortunately for the well-intentioned Muslim, non-Muslims despite understanding the sensitivity factor in play, are seemingly aghast with his point of view which has been recycled countless times by those who fall in the pious Muslim category.

“That’s enough, guys. We celebrate CNY only once a year; the cashier only touched the packaging for nobody’s telling her to drink,” rebutted a banker.

“As majority of Malaysians are Malays, of course most of the cashiers are Muslims but at the end of the day, we’ve to respect each other. Period.”

This piece of ‘friendly fire’ somehow triggered heated exchanges after one Muslim lady accused the banker of having breached racial sensitivity with non-Muslims showing up to back the banker.

“You’re exposing your own folly as your income comes from the race which consumes pork,” jibed one Indian commenter.

“If you continue to query on the subject of halal or haram when you go to a shop, where’re you going to put your face if the shop owner asks if you’re aware that the money you touch have been contaminated by a pork butcher?”

Interestingly, one open minded Muslim commenter saw no issue with Muslim staff handling packed, wrapped or canned non-halal items while attributing the ‘fracas’ to his brethren “with extreme thinking”.

“Maybe it’s a coincidence that you’ve a Muslim cashier at the counter … A solution is for the Muslim staff to wear gloves,” suggested the self-proclaimed civil servant to expected incessant shelling by fellow Muslims.

“Of course, unless it’s clearly raw pork whereby the Muslim staff need to handle wrapping/weighing … That’s certainly not allowed.”

While non-Muslim commenters harped on the oft-mentioned subject of why Muslims are seemingly fine to accept bribes, spread slanders or have no qualms to receive blood transfusion from donors who could well be from “pork eaters” – or simply “work in Mydin” – one Muslim commenter ‘lectured’ her brethren about job choices.

“The cashier already knows that her workplace sells non-halal products but still chooses to work there. So she has to carry out his trust,” opined the lady who currently resides in Sydney as per her FB profile.

“If she is forced to handle non-halal products skin-to-skin, for example pork, she can ask her boss to exclude her (from that chore). But it’s better not to work there if she’s not comfortable with non-halal issues.”

“Nobody is forcing the cashier to work there, right? It’s the same for those who work at hotels or those waiters and waitresses in the sky who’ve to serve non-halal food/beverages.

“The choice is in their own hands. It’s inappropriate to question non-Muslims that Muslim cashiers have to scan non-halal alcohol/food or the likes.” – Focus Malaysia

DBKL tows motorcycles blocking pedestrian, PwD walkways in Brickfields

 

Kuala Lumpur City Hall said the operation was carried out following public complaints about motorcycles and private vehicles being parked indiscriminately. - Pic credit: Facebook/DBKL

KUALA LUMPUR: Kuala Lumpur City Hall (DBKL) towed 10 motorcycles and issued 23 compound notices during an enforcement operation along pedestrian and disabled-friendly pathways in Jalan Tun Sambathan, Brickfields, on Monday.

In a statement, Kuala Lumpur City Hall said the operation was carried out following public complaints about motorcycles and private vehicles being parked indiscriminately.

"Wardens from the DBKL Enforcement Department conducted monitoring and targeted action at identified hotspots, particularly along bus and taxi lanes, pedestrian walkways and pathways designated for Persons with Disabilities (PwD)," the statement read.

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DBKL said the 10 motorcycles were taken to the storage depot at Jalan Pahang for further action, including the issuance of compound notices and temporary holding pending claims by owners.

It added that 23 compound notices were issued for various other traffic offences during the operation, with all actions taken under the Road Traffic Rules 1959 and the Road Transport Act.

DBKL reminded road users, especially motorcyclists, to comply with traffic regulations and signage, and to park only in designated areas.

"Vehicles must not obstruct pedestrians or disrupt traffic flow. Members of the public may channel complaints or feedback through the official DBKL link," it said. - NST

'Pas will not give up': Grand Malay-Muslim coalition still possible, says Tuan Ibrahim

 

Pas will not give up, says party deputy president Datuk Seri Tuan Ibrahim Tuan Man, adding that it is “still not impossible” to form a “grand Malay-Muslim umbrella” coalition. - NSTP FILE PIC

KUALA LUMPUR: Pas will not give up, says party deputy president Datuk Seri Tuan Ibrahim Tuan Man, adding that it is "still not impossible" to form a "grand Malay-Muslim umbrella" coalition.

Calling for a return to unity based on Islam, Tuan Ibrahim said revisiting the tried but failed Pas-Umno-Bersatu alliance during the 15th General Election (GE15) to form a Malay-Muslim political force would be increasingly challenging so long as division persists within the ummah (Muslims).

"Pas is of the view that efforts to revive existing political cooperation will still leave scars if not handled wisely.

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"The experience of facing GE15 saw a major aspiration to unite three main parties — Pas, Umno and Bersatu — to form a Malay-Muslim political force.

"However, that effort did not succeed as no consensus was reached among the parties involved.

"In the current situation, the question arises whether there is still an opportunity to form a 'grand Malay-Muslim umbrella' capable of uniting all who wish to be under its protection.

"In theory, it is not impossible. In reality, however, it becomes increasingly challenging so long as division continues to weaken the ummah," he said in a Facebook post.

He added that internal turmoil and crises within an organisation are not unusual.

However, for political parties, he said crises spread more easily because they are constantly under public scrutiny.

"Internal strife occurring in any political party today is neither unique nor isolated.

"Whatever may happen within an organisation, every conflict should be addressed by returning to the principle of unity as decreed by Allah SWT," he said, sharing a verse from Surah Āli-ʿImrān (3:103) of the Quran.

"This verse should serve as a clear and decisive foundation for unity. The primary condition for achieving unity is to return to holding firmly to the religion of Allah. Unity based on faith (aqidah) is the foundation demanded in Islam.

"The ummah has long witnessed disputes that ultimately harm all parties. Partisan political crises seem endless.

"Recognising this reality, Pas will not give up in urging efforts toward ummah unity. Where there is effort, there is a way.

"Truth may be slow to triumph, but it will certainly arrive. Falsehood, no matter how firm it appears, will collapse when its time comes. That is Allah's promise, which must be believed."

On Sunday, Tuan Ibrahim said Perikatan Nasional (PN) would discuss Datuk Seri Hamzah Zainudin's position as opposition leader following his sacking from Bersatu.

He said the discussion would involve all opposition members of parliament.

On Friday, Hamzah, the Larut MP, was sacked by Bersatu after being accused of attacking party president Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin.

Sixteen other Bersatu leaders and MPs were expelled on the same day. - NST

Health Ministry: Mask up in crowds as TB cases rise

 

Following a nationwide rise in tuberculosis (TB) cases, the Health Ministry has urged everyone to be vigilant and wear facemasks in crowded areas during the festive holidays.

This warning comes after the ministry recorded 503 new TB cases nationwide in the fifth epidemiological week, bringing the total number of cases to 2,571 nationwide.

In a statement, the ministry said that the top three states and regions with the most cases are Sabah with 618 cases or 28.8 percent, Selangor with 476 cases (18.51 percent) and Sarawak 257 cases (10 percent).

These areas are followed by Johor with 233 cases or 9.06 percent of the national total and the Federal Territories of Kuala Lumpur and Putrajaya with 202 cases or 7.86 percent.

“As the festival season and long holidays begin, the public is advised to be vigilant about preventing the spread of TB by practicing good cough and sneezing etiquette and by wearing masks in crowded areas.

“Individuals that are experiencing persistent coughs, fever, loss of appetite or drastic loss of weight are urged to go for screenings at the nearest health facility,” the statement said.

The number of TB cases recorded in other places are as follows:

● 148 cases (5.76 percent) in Penang;

● 144 (5.60 percent) in Kedah;

● 127 (4.94 percent) in Perak;

● 96 (3.73 percent) in Kelantan;

● 81 (3.15 percent) in Pahang;

● 60 (2.33 percent) in Terengganu;

● 58 (2.26 percent) in Negeri Sembilan;

● 42 (1.63 percent) in Malacca;

● 17 (0.66 percent) in Perlis;

● 16 (0.62 percent) in Labuan.

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- Mkini

Bell and the cat - a fairy tale for our times

 

 I prefer the Malay translation of this tale, “Loceng Dan Kucing”. It has rhyme, rhythm and a nice ring to it.

It may also encourage a professor or two to claim this tale originated in our part of the world. If priests and kungfu masters can fly in the face of reason, why not cats and bells, I say.

However, why talk of cats when the country is worried sick about yet another sacred cow? Here is a little-known fact: long before cows became sacred, long before MACC began acting like an apex predator, cats were revered. Killing a cat in Pharaonic Egypt could cost you your life.

More importantly, cats have left us with this all-important question: Who will bell the cat? It is another way of asking, who will put limits on those who exercise power in our name? And what will stop them from abusing this power?

Yes, limits must be placed but imposing them is a different matter altogether.

This question was first raised in the tale of “The Bell and the Cat” from Aesop’s Fables, which also goes by the name “The Council of Mice”.

In this tale, the rodents in a rich man’s mansion live in abject terror of a household cat, fearing its claws more than its bite.

It silently prowled the mansion at night, making it impossible for the mice to steal and forage for food from the master’s kitchen.

The rats grew thinner and thinner even as the cat grew strangely fatter and fatter, which I suspect is how we got the phrase “fat cat”.

‘The council meets’

Driven to despair, the mice decide to form a council to deal with this cat. By the way, a council, whether made up of men or mice, is referred to as a cabinet which nicely takes this tale into the present while also providing some political context.

We must also take note that in this part of the world, rats proliferate, not mice. And so, we will replace mice with rats, whether they be political or pestilential. Besides, rats are bigger than mice and are also less picky eaters if you know what I mean.

The council met in the dead of the night. Various suggestions were made and discussed at length. Not all of these were properly recorded, forcing me to fill in the gaps. It included winning the cat over by bribing it with food laid out in places it loved to curl up and sleep.

It was well past midnight when a particularly beady-eyed rat with a shaggy coat spoke at length about poisoning the cat by pissing into its drinking bowl.

“It will die a slow and painful death from a disease with a very long name”, muttered the rat with a knowing look on its face.

The other rats were not keen on this suggestion, having suffered a long history of poisoning and persecution. “And how sure are we that the replacement cat will not be more obnoxious and nastier than this one”, asked a studious-looking rat.

The night was at its darkest when a brash young rat suggested they bell the cat, alerting them to both its presence and its approach.

Initially, the rats thought it was a brilliant idea. Then an old rat spoke these words in a voice quivering with fear: “But who among us will carry out this suicide mission?”

The council fell silent. A scholarly-looking rat with whiskers that scraped the floor turned to the old rat saying: “The issue is not death. Your suggestion will condemn our species to forever suffer from the fear of hearing the sound of ringing bells. Even those rang in joy. Enough of fear!”

Question went unanswered

In the tale, the question of who will bell the cat is left unanswered. But fortunately, we have a rich collection of “cat” idioms to arrive at our own conclusions - like “kucing bertanduk”. Literally, a cat with horns. It’s a sly shorthand for both the impossible and the improbable. How can a cat ever have horns?

Or will our government ever become clean when we are corrupt to the core? Or take the equally delightful “malu-malu kucing” (shy cat). It means pretending not to want something when you actually want it badly. Like quickly pocketing a nice fat bribe while politely insisting it is not required at all.

As to the fate of the rats, their behaviour provides us with even more clues. Rats the world over are known to leave a sinking ship well before the captain issues orders to abandon ship.

Hence the phrase, “like rats leaving a sinking ship”. Expect more dissent, if not rebellion among the ranks in the coming days.

However, one thing is clear. All that talk and sloganeering about reformation was nothing more than an empty promise. A godsend opportunity to clean up our act has been thrown away by the current leadership.

Instead of revival and a new dynamism, we are slowly and steadily entering the garbage time of history.

Or as former Russian revolutionary Leon Trotsky famously said of his political rivals: “Go where you belong from now on - into the dustbin of history”. - Mkini

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MURALE PILLAI is a former GLC employee. He runs a logistics company.

The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor and do not necessarily represent the views of MMKtT.