The ‘Brazen Sky’ debate in Parliament

SATIRE | An ode to watches, with apologies to makers of timepieces.

Speaker: Gombak Timur, silakan…

YB: Dengan izin… Ask the Ministry of Finance to state the time on the watch called “Brazen Sky” for which the government paid a whopping US$940 million?

Mentri: Dengan izin, Tan Sri Yang diPertua, I like to, first of all, clarify that “Brazen Sky” is not a watch. It does more than that and keeps you connected to those who matter most, exchanging time for location.

For example, if the owner of the watch, Jho Loh wants to know the location of his pals Rizal and Leo, all he has to do is to tinker with his dial and the images are immediately transmitted to the face of the watch.

(Can the Parliament usher ensure this is captured on our large-screen LCD TV inside the House?) Right now, they are in Larry Flynt's Lucky Lady Casino in Gardenia. From the pile on the table, it appears that the chips are down.

YB: Sir, I just asked for the time…

Mentri: Can you also see a couple of not-so-well-dressed girls at the table? Sorry, no interruptions and I am not giving way as an important transaction is taking place.

Jho Loh has asked for reinforcements via his special account; watch the chip pile in front of him grows. This is one of the greatest innovations. From the wrist, you control everything!

YB: Sir, the time, please!

Mentri: Be patient, YB. There are several more features. Brazen Sky is designed to connect you to an intimate circle of those who matter most. Therefore, it has to be beautiful enough to warrant a permanent place on your wrist.

Through this watch, you can connect instantaneously with friends and loved ones, Godfathers and paymasters too! You press the figure “12” on the top and Jho Loh appears with a sizeable number of cards.

“Your wish is my command,” he says to Big Mamma who is in the Hermes shop in Paris. “Check with boss if I can have the blue and the red… I don’t want him to be out of pocket,” she tells him.

“Madam, take all six. It’s only 100k US each… Veli veli cheap for my standard!”

YB: I just need you to tell me the time…

Mentri: YB, tolong sabar. Be patient. The Brazen Sky has also a wall-hanging device which works in tandem with the watch.

There is no need to stare at a tiny map on your phone or request an update. Brazen Sky is always waiting for new coordinates and displays the whereabouts of your friends and family on a piece of wall-hanging art.

Want to know where the Equanimity is? Can’t remember? This was the yacht where the pink diamonds were first assessed!

Right now, it has pulled out of Danang harbour and is now headed to… (Sorry, security features prevent the publication of the subsequent destination).

MP: Sir, I just want to know the time! Pukul berapa? Understand? Faham?

Mentri: YB, saya faham tapi dengar lah ujaran saya dahulu. This is very important for everyone to know. I have said it before and it is worth repeating. I want to emphasise that there is a foreign conspiracy to overthrow our democratically-elected government.

This Brazen Sky has served us well. When needed, it was used as a red herring to divert the heat on us. It worked for a while. The rural people fell for it – hook, line and sinker. The urbanites dismissed it summarily.

Now, its usefulness has come to an end. But we cannot throw it away as it has useful links to Jho Loh. All the related transactions - the shells in Seychelles; the slings in Singapore; the shuffles in the States; and the Swiss snafu, have been compromised.

Brazen Sky was abused, misused and misrepresented and the US Department of Justice has got all the dope it needs to nail a few of us. Leo and Miranda have returned their diamonds. Others have not. Like ferocious dogs, they are smelling blood.

YB: Sir, I am waiting for you to tell me the time…

Mentri: YB, sabar… I am just finishing… Like I was saying earlier, through some form of carelessness, the whole scheme has fallen apart. Brazen Sky is a key part of the gizmo that holds all the secrets.

Besides, some of the key figures who were pulled up by the authorities sang like canaries. Didn’t you read of the confessions by the bankers down south?

The watch has recorded all transactions and even absorbed pre-conception records (and under a different name) from the day the company was set up in Terengganu. It has the full works and we can’t muck around with the watch.

Don’t worry about the functionality of the watch. Look at the intrinsic value! You know that we can shoot mother Earth with this. Our scientists and IT experts are taking apart Brazen Sky, piece by piece, one by one. Knowing this Fat Boy, he too could have his big “Little Tricks Department” in his own backyard.

YB: Sir, you paid almost RM4 billion for a watch that cannot tell time? Siapa luluskan? Macam mana urusan di buat? Ada tender terbuka? Siapa satu YB jadi ejen?

Speaker: Order! Order! Order! Semua duduk.

YB: Tuan Speaker, what is the time, please? I am serious. Don’t look at Brazen Sky. Look at your watch. I think it is nearing your prayer time.

Speaker: Thank you, YB. Meeting adjourned.

YB (parting shot): Did anyone think about changing its name to "Brazen Lies"?

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R NADESWARAN felt it was time to have fun and laughter in addressing the “stupidest reply” to a parliamentary question. Comments: citizen.nades22@gmail.com.- Mkini