SUNDAY JOKES - 73

 

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, “Take it, Max,” as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.
Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, “I think I'll let Tom drive for a while.”
“Tom who?” I asked.
My mother translated for me: “Tom Cruise, of course.”

My mother is a personal trainer. 

That's a tough job. 

I don't think I can do that. 

You got to help people with their fitness goals. 

Can you help me define my abs? 

Yeah - disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous!

At this ripe age now, it is not really a hobby, 

It's just a drinking problem!

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. 

She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's bloody wrong with me, Doctor!?
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight....!

A punk walked into a barbershop and sat on an empty chair.
"Haircut, sir?" asked the barber.
"No, just change the oil, please!"

Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday. My wife gave me a SUV".
Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!.....Imagine, a SUV!!.. What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!

 

I do not trip over things...
I just perform random gravity checks!

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favourite white sweater.
I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it'd never been there.
So, I took the sweater down to Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he'd probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So, on Thursday afternoon after work, I stopped by Wong's again.
Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.
And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal for this extraordinarily persistent stain.
The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So, on Friday I went back to Wong to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. "No charge," said Wong, "but you will have to take your sweater elsewhere to clean."

The Moral of the Story: ... Two Wongs cannot make a white!

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