My mom reminded me to get my baju kurung ready yesterday – a relative was getting married and mom wanted me to dress up for the wedding.
“I am not going to wear a baju kurung,” I said.
“What will you be wearing then?” Mom asked.
“I don’t know but I will figure it out.”
“Don’t be silly. Wear a baju kurung. Everyone will be in their baju kurung. You wouldn’t want to be the only girl who isn’t wearing one.”
“Why not?”
“You will feel awkward and left out.”
“No, I won’t.”
“Stop arguing and just get your baju kurung ready,” she said sternly.
“Ma…”
“On second thought, you can wear one of my baju kurung,” she said.
I’ve had the same conversations with my mom plenty of times, especially during wedding season. Come to think of it, my choice of attire isn’t the only thing my mom has opinions about.
I remember when I was 10, my mom made me learn how to scrub the toilets and clean the ceiling fan; at 12, she taught me to clean the fish and chicken she had bought from the wet market; and at 16 she taught me to cook a proper meal – all because she believes Mamak girls who are well trained with household duties bring honour to the family.
“That’s how you find a good mapillai (husband),” she used to tell me.
Even today, in my forties, I find my mom still lecturing me on what is right and what is wrong; what is acceptable and what is unacceptable; what is proper and what is improper – all based on her own perceptions.
She tells me what should be kept on the first shelf and what should be kept on the bottom shelf. She rearranges the pots and pans in my kitchen, claiming the strainer and sifter belong together in the drawers, and not with the rest of the items inside the kitchen cabinet.
But what if I like to pile my strainers with my pots and pans? What if I like it on my dining table? What if I like my strainers inside my fridge? Heck, what if I like my strainers inside my wardrobe or in my bathtub? It is after all, my strainer, is it not?
I used to ask Mom why it was so important for her to mould me into someone I was not, in order to fit the “normal” idea of how things are done. "Because that’s just how things are done," she’d tell me.
I’ve always wondered, why can’t we have our own standards or rules of how we’d like things done without being forced to conform to others?
But it’s not entirely Mom’s fault. She too was forced to conform to someone else’s idea of normal. Actually, she had to endure tougher times than most people I know.
At six, Mom was forced to help my grandma with chores – that’s what girls were expected to do around their house. At nine, she was told to learn using a stone grinder to grind wheat and rice like most of the kids her age in the neighbourhood.
At 13, Mom was made to stop schooling because, during the time, it was a better “investment” to send sons to school. And at 16, Mom was married off to my dad because it wasn’t a good practice to keep unmarried teenage daughters at home.
Having been brought up that way, I completely understand why Mom prefers things to be done a certain way. Being forced to fit into the cookie cutter for almost her entire life, Mom finds it almost unimaginable to do things differently.
But it’s not only her, for many people around us also come from the same cookie cutter
For years, they have been constructed to fit into a mould that is accepted as the norm. Those who do not make the cut are often treated like a failure, an outcast. And most of the time, people just end up pressuring themselves to fit the cookie cutter.
But where does it end?
Our new generation today are living amongst the older generation of cookie cutters who continue to force feed us with never-ending lessons on “how things should be done,” which they themselves had learned from their older generation.
What to wear and what not to wear; what to read and what not to read; what to say and what not to say; what to write and what not to write; what to draw and what not to draw; what to fight for and what not to fight for.
It’s not easy to stand up for ourselves once we are used to letting others have their way.
And most of the time, when we give up on our rights to do things our way in order to please everyone else, it can become a habit, which in the long term becomes difficult to unlearn.
So why conform?
Why do we accept everything thrown at us without deciding for ourselves what best suits us?
We matter. Our thoughts, our views and our opinions matter. We have the right to create our own norms and standards.
Stand up for yourself. Stand up for your thoughts. Stand up for your opinions.
Perhaps 2018 is a good time to begin.
Of course, changes won’t happen overnight, but the journey begins with the first step.
Happy New Year.
FA ABDUL is a passionate storyteller, a growing media trainer, an aspiring playwright, a regular director, a struggling producer, a self-acclaimed photographer, an expert Facebooker, a lazy blogger, a part-time queen and a full-time vainpot.- Mkini
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