A testing time for a prodigal son

SATIRE | The prodigal son returns to the classroom for the first of the 42 papers he has to sit for in examinations.

His journey is no parable to draw an analogy with the son of Joseph. Then why use the phrase? Wikipedia describes a prodigal person as one who spends, or has spent, his or her money or substance with wasteful extravagance; a spendthrift.

That, in a nutshell, relates to his first examination paper, which starts this afternoon. He had tried and is still trying to avoid sitting for the examination under various guises.

He has challenged almost all the (examining) authorities. He had previously used all kind of tactics, including expert advice from his top-notch teacher, who has been described as “high-flying”.

Nevertheless, the headmaster has decreed that the first examination, at least, should proceed as scheduled.

An attempt was made, appealing to the Board of Governors, who unanimously declared that the examination must proceed without any further delay.

The “dog ate my homework” ploy brought some respite – more comic relief than a legitimate reason for at least for two days. But the inevitable conclusion was that this series of examinations had to be taken.

In between, while awaiting the question paper, in an act of defiance, he sat outside the prescribed secluded area. The headmaster, the invigilator and the teacher pretended they did not notice the re-arranged seating in the examination hall.

The son seems to have indicated that he has an incontinence problem too. He sneaked out from his desk to visit the washroom while in the preliminaries were in session in the examination hall.

The headmaster noticed his disappearing act and he was ticked off, but the teacher came to his defence.

Previously, friends, who wanted their five minutes of fame, removed their jewellery and handed them over to him to raise funds to pay his super-duper teacher. That fizzled out. 

Then he went riding with the Mat Rempits, trying to identify himself as “one of them”.

Then came the “What to be shy about?” campaign. T-shirts, posters and stickers were quickly made by friends and supporters who, of course, inflated the costs. That, too, did not take off and many had a good laugh at his expense.

But for one who revelled in millions and at one time had RM2.6 billion in his bank account, money was and is still the least of his problems.

In the coming months, his partner will also be called to sit for her own set of examinations.

She had donned attire from the Houses of Versace and Dior in the past. These days, to look humble and solicit sympathy, those expensive clothes have disappeared. These days, a simple baju kurung sewn by the neighbourhood mak cik is her choice.

The Bijan handbags are not with her anymore – in safe custody in a bank vault somewhere. The last we saw, she was carrying a jute bag! The RM1,200 hair-dos are longer visible. The bare skin is exposed – previously masked by a thick layer of make-up.

As for him, security has to be tightened in the hall. Restrictions will be made. Should he be frisked before entering the hall in the name of conducting exams free from cheating and copying? Someone suggested it, but his teacher retorted: “Such acts often lead to mental agonies like depression and panic attacks.”

Surely, this is an ominous sign that the headmaster should exercise caution so as not to do or say anything that will prompt another round of attempts to stall the examinations.

At 2pm today, the proceedings of the examination will be reported extensively and instantaneously by the international media.

Their interest in this case is understandable. For years, he was traversing the globe in a private jet, masquerading as “Mr Nice Guy” – the Messiah of good governance.

But all those cloaked impressions ended on the night of May 9 last year.

When the examiners finally give their verdict (it may take months), will it be a case of “passed with distinction”, a borderline pass or fail?

What are the consequences of the latter? A rap on the wrist or an all-expense paid residency at the Bamboo River Resort? The world is waiting with bated breath.

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R NADESWARAN is a veteran journalist who occasionally injects humour into serious issues. Comments: citizen.nades22@gmail.com - Mkini