SUNDAY JOKES - 70

 

An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his willy.
One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.
"Where have you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name." "What are you doing there?"
"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my willy."
"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"
"Parkinson's."

Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom!

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked: "What's wrong?"
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have made you so upset?"
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife, Alice and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."
"Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"
"Horrible?! You think it`s horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse, it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

I'm afraid for the calendar. 

Its days are numbered!

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill it up," he ordered.
The worker did as he had been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

In case they get a hole in one!

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight.
Why?
Because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to a charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "For God's sake, child, what on Earth for?"
The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap', I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

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