THURSDAY JOKES 75

 

A pastor, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his temple. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The minister stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the minister says, and runs into his office's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

My dad is retired now, and he moved to Langkawi. 

And it's really great to be able to finally go down and visit him now that he's finally able to do those things in life that he's always wanted to do, which apparently is to start drinking at noon and then head on out into the city centre to buy me those vulgar worded shirts.

Moses: “How are we going to get across the sea? The Egyptian battalion is close behind us!”

General of the army: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build our own bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time for that.

”Admiral of the navy: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.”

Public relations officer: “I don’t have a solution, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of here, I’ll get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!”

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An in-vest-igator!

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off. Written in large red letters across the tape was the sentence: Get well quick..... From the nurse to whom you gave a ticket last week."

Two guys walk into a bar.

The third guy ducks!

A husband and his wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to board the bus.
So, the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding that bus ... so SHUT UP!"  

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