CHINESE NEW YEAR JOKES - 1

 

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I’m Sam Wan (someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this nonsense!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I’m Saw Lee (sorry).

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? 

Tai wan shu!

One day, two Chinese with broken English went to America. When they arrived, they went to a small place to eat. When they looked at the menu they saw “hot dog” but since their English is bad, they thought it was literally a roasted dog and ordered it. When the waiter came back with their order, they were both surprised and one of them asked "What part of the dog did you get!"

Why doesn’t China have a cricket team?

They always eat the bat!

In a proud, boastful voice, Stephanie told the old Chinese woman who was babysitting her that onions were the only food that could make her cry. The woman nodded and said that was true enough. They continued eating for a while. This is really good! the little girl exclaimed. What’s this meat! The old lady replied, "Well, there was this brown dog in your yard that wouldn’t stop barking!"

Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby?

Because two wongs don't make a white!

A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in World War 2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.

He sat down in front of their graves and prayed “I want to see your face again, mommy…”. 

A miracle happened, his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.

The boy cried then said “I want to see you too, dad”. 

He looked at his father’s grave but nothing happened.

Suddenly a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked “were you looking for me?”

A Chinese man moves to the United States after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

A friendly American neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door but on his way, up the driveway he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt these ‘Chinese customs’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

Next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees him urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another ‘Chinese custom’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the neighbour leading a bull down the driveway and then put his left ear next to the bull’s butt.

The American dude can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, “Jeez man, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s butt, it could just about shit on you.”

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, “Sorry sir, you don't understand, these are no Chinese customs I am doing, these are American customs.”

‘What do you mean’ says the neighbour, “Those aren’t American customs.”

“Yes, they are, the man at the travel agency told me” replied the Chinese man. “He says to become a true American; I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk and listen to bull-shit!"

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