SUNDAY JOKES - 96

 

A young mother finds out she is pregnant again and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. 

One day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. 

And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits!"

 

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. 

I’m still employed. 

I just can’t remember where!

Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a nun?
He wanted to take her to the county fair but she declined on account of the fact that she had taken a vow abstaining from Carnival pleasures!

Some people say the glass is half full. 

Some people say the glass is half empty. 

Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary!

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me!"

I asked the Corporate Wellness Officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” 

He said, “How flexible are you?” 

I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. 

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied six.
The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said," What is it? "
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas!"

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