SATURDAY JOKES - 101

 

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you wish but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbott said to him: "Brother John, you have been here 5 years now. You may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbott said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "
You may say another two words, Brother John."

"Cold Food," said Brother John and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I Quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best," said the Abbott. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here!"

Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things!

A little kid is in school is taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. 

At the end of the test, he's flipping the coin again. 

The teacher says, "What are you doing?" 

He says, "Checking my answers."

 

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 80!"

If you can’t convince them, confuse them!

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. 

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. 

"Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose!" the drunk replied.

It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters most is whether I win!

This man had just bought a brand-new Ferrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a moped stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the man if he could take a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he spoke. "Oh, around 175-200. Want to see?"
Of course, the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. When the light changed, the man took off at a very high rate of speed. As he was travelling down the road, he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him.
"No! it couldn't be the boy on the moped, could it?" He asked to himself.

Then the light came flying back and went way behind him. The guy then realized that it indeed was the boy on the moped!

Then the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to let the boy catch up so that he could find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and said..
"Would you mind taking my suspenders off your rear-view mirror?

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