TUESDAY JOKES - 114

 

So once there was a Chinese man, a Malaysian and an American all in the same plane.

Now the Chinese man takes a pair of chopsticks and throws them out of the door.

Then he claims "We have too many of those in my country!".

Then the Malaysian grabs a politician and throws him out the door and says "We have too many of these in my country!".

Then the American picks up the Mexican and throws him out of the door and claims "We have to many of these in my country too!".

God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "Call it a day!"

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. 

Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the bitch in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose!''

What has a bottom at the top?
I don't know?
Your legs!

In 1997, at the ripe age of 87 and not acquainted with modern technology, Ruth was given a "cordless" phone by her son. He lived 1500 miles away. 

After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her. "How is your new phone working, Mom." 

Her reply astonished him. 

"Oh, we took it back. It wouldn't work. It did not even have a cord!"

What is the quickest way to double your money?
Fold it in half!

English teacher says to her student: Sam, please use the word "wagon" in a sentence.

Sam: If I told my dog to stop wagon his tail, he would still wag on!

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. 

One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual sex maniac.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"

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