SATURDAY JOKES - 131

 

Taliban TV Guide

MONDAYS:

8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "McBeal"

TUESDAYS:

8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Damn Things"

9:30 - "Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"

10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:

8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"

9:30 - "Just Shoot"

10:00 - "Veil watch"

THURSDAYS:

8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdad's"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:

8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants to Execute a Multi-millionaire"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"

“I had to borrow money for my wedding garb. 

The only two things in life that are certain are debt and taxes.”

 

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. 

Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. 

I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master!

 

What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant?
Big ones!

 

Why do elephants have wrinkly ankles?
Because their shoes are too tight!

It's a sign of the time... it's like being 16 again...
Gas is cheap and I am grounded again!

Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday."
Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."

"No, but Grandad is and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.

Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to the water. The chief says, 'We will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honourable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes.'
The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this, he recites the Pledge and shoots himself. He is carried off. The next man asks for a sword. A warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man.
The last man asks for a fork.
'A fork? asks the chief?'
But it's his dying wish, so they hand him the fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, and yells, 'I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!!'

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stink, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy.

The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.

The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning at about 5:30 am, the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong.

 

With a look of shock on his face, the young man says, "OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!!!"

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