A religious man, a Christian priest and a
pastor have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see
the pastor lay hands on the hood of the car and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the
priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just
dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest
exclaims, running into his Church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick,
shaking water out of it onto the car.
The religious man stares. "What are you
doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy
water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the religious man says and
runs into his temple's tool shed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an
inch of the tailpipe!
A
husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic
hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country
all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want
to do, knit or have sex?"
Three women were returning to their Hungarian village
when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them.
As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into
a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if
she recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud that she
bent over and unzipped his pants.
She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."
The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed,
"Your right, he's not your husband."
The
third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said,
"He's not from our village!"
Cop: So, I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone
in the carpool lane.
Criminal: You’re going to feel really stupid when you
look in my trunk!
Thank
you for calling the Russian Embassy.
No
SVF officer here right now... Err,
no diplomats are able to answer the phone, so at sound of the capitalist tone,
leave your name, telephone number and a short description of the secrets you
wish to sell!
A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet
dachshund.
The
passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.
The
cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get a long little doggie!"
I'm
in my 30s; and everybody in my age group is talking about having kids or
miracles.
Oh,
it's a miracle.
It's
always a miracle.
I'm
like, you had sex, right? Yeah?
Then
no, that's exactly what's supposed to happen from having sex.
I
spend all my time preventing miracles; that is what's happening.
I
call it a miracle when the girl doesn't get pregnant.
That's
when I start getting spiritual!
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a
"hole."
Saddam
was roundhouse-kicked in the head by George W Bush in Texas, which flew him
across the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq!
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every
night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit
and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the
garden.
They
begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After
a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do
you know what I miss most of all?
She asks, "What?"
"SEX!!!"
Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you
couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Howard says, "but it would
be nice if a woman just held it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who
gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward,
they agreed to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and
talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.
Then, one night,
Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed,
Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K.
She
walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool
with another female resident - who was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious,
Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't
have?!"
Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's!!!"
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