TUESDAY JOKES - 145

 

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to the Social Welfare Department looking to adopt a child but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So, the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with Mandarin, Tamil and computer skills.”

Next one though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon!”

A Johore Baru lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Sir, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested RM 5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of RM 15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

The art collector replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You have just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary!”

A multi-millionaire living in Penang decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Ramli Nor, the only aborigine living in his neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, “I have a 15-foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million ringgit to anyone who’ll join him in the pool.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.

Everyone turned around and saw Ramli in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it, getting it in chokeholds, biting its tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Ramli and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell.

Finally, after what seemed like a rage, Ramli strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish.

An exhausted Ramli wearily climbed out of the pool with everybody staring at him in disbelief.

The millionaire said, “Well, Ramli, I reckon I owe you a million ringgit then.”

“Nah, boss, I don’t want it,” said Ramli.

So the millionaire said “Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million ringgit?”

“No thanks, I don’t want it,” Ramli insisted.

The millionaire said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex, or some stock options?”

Once again, Ramli said, “No.”

Confused, the rich man asked, “Well Ramli, then what do you want?”

“I want the bastard who pushed me in!” said Ramli.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Ahmad: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Ahmad: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Ahmad: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Ahmad: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?"

Ahmad: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Four men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on the bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen to the conversation.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me, Are you at the club."

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and I found this very beautiful leather coat. It's only RM 5,000. Is it OK, if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead, if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Porche dealer and say the new 2020 models. I saw one I really like."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "RM 550,000."

MAN: "OK but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ..... that house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking RM 5 million."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of RM 4 million. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra RM 1 million if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: " OK, I will see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The Man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns around and asks "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes him cry, so I threw a coconut at his face!

"I hate to have to tell you this," said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, "but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you'll only be fed on cheese and bologna sausage."

"That's terrible!" said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. "I don't know if I could handle being in quarantine .... and the cheese and bologna sausage diet ..." 

"What's with the cheese and bologna sausage diet anyway? I've never had such a diet before."

"It's not exactly a diet", responded the Doctor, "it's just the only food that will fit under your door!"

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