SATURDAY JOKES - 157

 

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on his round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So, he heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car, just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's just lying there crying"
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's just lying there not moving."
There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 03-854-7039?"

 

Yō momma so fat when she trips in California, she lands in the Philippines!

 

Teacher: “Little Johnny, please spell the word 'pole'.”
Little Johnny: “P-O-L.”
Teacher: “But what is at the end of it?”

Little Johnny: “Electrical Wires, but I can’t spell that yet!”

 

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening out with her friends when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Act 238.
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a statement to you."
"Statement?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tyre suffers a flat. While he is changing the tyre, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."

Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tyre without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid!"

 

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road - if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

 

A blonde got a deck of playing cards as a birthday gift but she couldn't find anyone to play solitaire with!

 

Several cannibals were recently hired by Talk America.
"You are all part of our team now," said the HR Manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised to be good. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but no, you had to go and eat the secretary!" 

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