TUESDAY JOKES - 162

 

Durian tree

A Chinese doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." 

A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." 

A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." 

A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work!

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school. 

He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 in his final examination. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.

"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly - and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler!"

A police dog responds to an advertisement for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."
With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they must present something related to or associated with Christmas. 
The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in. 
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in. 

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. 
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" 

"They're Carol's!" 

Q. What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? 

A. Lettuce alone without dressing!

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped in my pants!"

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, he asked her the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my text?"

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituary page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for information on him by the local newspaper several months earlier was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.
"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Brad, open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Brad, get the paper and open it to PAGE 31 NOW!"

"Ok, ok, I've got the paper here, so what's on page 31?"
"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, ok, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues...
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly, and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"

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