SATURDAY JOKES - 170

 

An 87-year-old said to his buddy; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on his way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th it'll be very hard?"
He replied, "Holy shit ... does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!"

A programmer went to the doctor complaining about wrist pain. 

The doctor poked and prodded for a while and then issued a prognosis:

"You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but it's in the early stages. You should be able to continue work, but you should give up half of your programming."

"Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?"

Top researchers concluded that cutting out beans, tomatoes and peppers will dramatically improve your diet...
That is how I determined that top researchers hate chili!

The summer band class was just getting underway when a large insect flew into the room. 

The Sixth Graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually, one student, Tommy, could stand it no longer. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its demise.

"Is it a bee?" another student asked.

"Nope," Tommy replied. "Bee flat!"

 

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband - who was a big burly man - tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes!"

 

I think that Vanna White has the best job ever. Is that not the best job? If I were a woman, I would want that job so badly. Like, that's her job! 

What a great country - she just turns letters. I turn letters, but only when they glow. I'm not stupid!

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a try-out. 

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Christmas Day?'

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too!" his son replied.

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