SUNDAY JOKES - 170

 

Kedah, Malaysia

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is going to kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put the money in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten ringgit to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea," says the drunk guy.

When he gets home, sure enough, his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there is a ten ringgit note in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty ringgit.
"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.
"He did," says the drunk.

"But he shits in my pants too!"

 

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"



I sell plastic pens. 

I'm kind of a Bic deal!

 

Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.
Billy: Who, me?
Teacher: Very good!

"Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?"
"No idea, they just ransomware!"

 

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." 

The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! 

She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." 

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!"

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand, and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"

 

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I am not giving him any of mine."
The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'I'm till I run him off or kill him, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.
The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice, really quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to talk about it."
The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

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