TUESDAY JOKES - 201

 

Menara Kuantan188, Kuantan, Pahang, Malaysia.

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. 

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear!"

 

A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."
The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."

"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband too!"

 

Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.
Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.

It was a card. On it was written, "Yes, we do clean under here, too!"

 

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.
One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."
The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife!"

Q: Why can't the Buddhists vacuum in the corners?

A: No attachments!

 

Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take your phone number on a credit card charge. 

What this fails to address, however, is that if you are perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, you are not going to give out a correct phone number. 

They make no effort to validate the phone number before you leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.
Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?

When asked as to why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that the thieves have been caught because they stupidly put down their home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card!

 

 What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?

“Put it on my bill!"

 

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater - Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
"Two million dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer!"

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