TUESDAY JOKES - 206

 

Tuaran, Sabah, Malaysia.

A man has been undergoing medical treatment, and meets with his doctor to review some tests.
Doctor: I'm very sorry, but I have bad news. Your condition is now incurable, and you have only 6 months to live. I recommend you get your affairs in order.
Man: That's terrible! Isn't there anything you can do? Surely there's some treatment!
Doctor: No, we've been using the best available medicines, and they aren't working.
Man: I'll try anything...what about experimental treatments?
Doctor: There aren't any for your disease, I'm afraid.
Man, desperate: Maybe alternate medicine?
Doctor, impatient: Well, I don't believe in that stuff, but if you insist...you can go to the spa up the road every day and get a mud bath.
Man: Really? That will help?

Doctor: No, but it will get you used to dirt!

 

Private college is really just kidnapping done backwards...

If you don’t give them a ridiculously large amount of money in fees, they’ll send your child back!

 

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start!"

 

Q - What did the blanket say to the bed?

A - Don't worry, I have got you covered!

 

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. 

She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. 

He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" 

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs!"

 

Q - Why should you take a pencil to bed?

A - To draw the curtains!

 

Q - Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?

A - Because she could not control her pupils!

 

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.

A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. 

The first bee asked, "How did it go? "Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp!"

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