A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.
The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!."
The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick!"
A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773."
A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773. Otherwise, I would have died without it!"
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs!
Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything!
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed mathematics but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a mathematics question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
I just read a book about Helium.
It was so good that I can't put it down!
- What do clouds do when they become rich?
- They make it rain!
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So, the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still, he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300-pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!"
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34!
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