SATURDAY JOKES - 334

Oyster Sinar Lentuong Farm, Tuaran, Sabah Malaysia.

Q: What is the lion’s favourite food?

A: Baked beings!

Pfizer Corp is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Co as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi’s proposed advertisement campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one!

Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of “Mount & Do!”

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. The guest let out a huge gasp.

When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, “I’ve heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I’ve met who passes out a sample of it!”

Jeff Dunham: You’re afraid of offending people?
Ahmed: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: You’re a terrorist. You kill people.

Ahmed: That’s different. Killing people is easy; being politically correct is a pain in the ass!

Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What’s a tiger?

A: A stri-ped!

 

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

 

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted because the index doesn’t hash, then your situation is hopeless, and your system is going to crash!

You can’t say this?
What a shame, sir!

We’ll find you another game, sir!

 

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that is repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall!

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, because as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker is going to hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Hisham passed away. His was provided RM100,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed from the ceremony, his wife, Aishah, turned to her oldest friend.
“Well, I’m sure Hisham would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Liza, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
“How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Aishah. “One hundred thousand.”
“No!” Liza exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but RM100,000?”
Aishah answered. “The funeral was RM16,500. I donated RM1,000 to the mosque. The food and drinks were another RM5,500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Liza computed quickly. “$77,000 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?”
“One and a half carats!”

 

What is the definition of a secret?

Something you tell to one person at a time!

 

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.
Finally, she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.”

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old thought of the lady gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, “Uh-oh … I know what “you’ve” been doing!”

 

Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long?

Waiter: No sir, round!

 

Healthcare costs are rising uncontrollably across the world.

In America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them.

In England, they have begun rationing healthcare services and, in some cases, they have waiting lists for services just to reduce costs even more.

In fact, they now have a nine-month waiting list for abortions!

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