SUNDAY JOKES - 339

 

Pantai Hiburan Kuala Rompin, Rompin, Pahang, Malaysia

What did the elephant ask the naked man?

“How do you breathe out of that thing?”

 

My wife claims I’m a baseball fanatic.

She says all I ever read about is baseball.

All I ever talk about is baseball.

All I ever think about is baseball.

I told her she’s way off base!

How is life like being a toilet paper?
You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone!

 

A Malaysian gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray. “I’ll have a pound of that salmon,” he said.
“That’s not salmon,” the clerk said. “It’s wagyu.”

“Mister,” the customer snapped, “in case nobody ever told you, you got a big mouth!

 

What is six inches long, two inches wide, and makes everyone go crazy?

A US$100 bill!

 

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it very, very slowly!”

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down the Main Street.
“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain”.
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”
“But officer, I just wanted to say….”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom!”

 

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!

 

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved myself today.

Do you know what that means?” the boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again!”

 

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her!

 

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 ringgit.”
“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.
The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
“That one costs 1,000 ringgit because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.” Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
“That one costs 2,000 ringgit.”
“And what does that one do?” the man asked.
The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”

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