A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day; this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer
Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there’s a big, bearded man standing there.
“Name’s Lars …Your neighbour from forty miles away….Having a birthday party this Friday … Thought you might like to come. About 5…
“Great,” says Sam, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Got to warn you…There will be some drinking’.”
“Not a problem… after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of them.”
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. “More ‘likely, there will be some fighting’ too.”
Sam says, “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Once again Lars turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”
“Now that’s really not a problem,” says Sam. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?”
Lars stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just for the two of us”.
Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, “We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to this academy, who killed Jesus?” The Jewish guy says “The Romans did it.” The Captain says, “Right, you’re admitted.”
The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same thing. “We have to ask you one question first before you’re admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?” The Italian guy says “The Romans did it.”The Captain says, “Right, you’re admitted.”
The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question. The Polish guy says “Gee, I don’t know.” The Captain tells him to go home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him. The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the academy, and he says to her, “You won’t believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to a murder case!”
“Brutus was at a buffet.
When he took a roll, Julius Caesar said, ‘Eat two, Brute.’”
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