TUESDAY JOKES - 337

 

Hiking in the morning at Felda Palong 1, Gemas, Negeri Sembilan, Malaysia recently.

Whoever made the alphabet was wrong because the letters ‘U’ and ‘I’ should be together!

 

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘willy’.
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

 

I xeroxed my watch.

Now I have time to spare.
And I can also give away free watches!

NED: I don’t get along with bakers.
ED: Really.
NED: Let’s just say, there’s no loaf lost between us.

Tonto and the Lone Ranger had a falling out… because the Lone Ranger discovered that “Kimosabee” actually means… “asshole!”

Hi, I’m Mr. Right.

Someone said you were looking for me!

 

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for RM 500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a cheque for RM 250 and enclose the following typed note:
“Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for RM 250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
1. it had never been occupied;
2. there was plenty of heat; and
3. it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.”
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for RM 250 with the following note:
“Dear Sir:
Firstly, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!”

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time.

One day he walked into Miss Sandy Smith’s 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History. Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names. Miss Sandy Smith came up with four more.
Not impressed, Mr. Jones told them that in his day, every student knew the names of all the states.
From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, “Yeah, but in those days, there were only 13!”

 

As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses.
“I really only need mine for close reading,” explained the first.
Remarked the second, “I only use mine when the light is bad.”
The third confessed, “I rarely wear mine – except when I want to see!”

A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.
The local news heralded . . . “St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant.”

 

The real estate boss has a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. “Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?” Looking him in the eyes, she replied, “My lawyer!”

 

I phoned up the fishing helpline today.

I said, “I’m really hopeless at fishing and need some tips.”
The man said, “Okay, can you hold the line?”
I said, “No.”

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