THURSDAY JOKES - 101

 

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband - who was a big burly man - tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes!"

When the dwarf stopped the cattle stampede in its tracks, everyone called it a miracle. 

“He's done the imp-pause-a-bull!” they said.

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm!

 

I was so bored the other day that I just started memorizing the pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing!

A blonde woman in Georgia bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery but after only a few months, its leaves shrivelled and it appeared to be on its last legs. She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation.
"Oh, I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia tree, ma'am," said the manager.
"Good," she replied. "What is it?"
"Autumn!" he said.

I foolishly mixed two food groups. 

The results were, at best, meaty yogurt!

If you think Thursdays are bad, just wait two days...
It will be a sadder day!

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of travelling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. 

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After a while he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there, do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him!" replied the lady.

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