Life lessons for Malaysia at 50 - KARIM RASLAN

There was a time in my thirties when the only significance I attached to my birthday was the fact that my waistline seemed to expand in tandem with my age. Thankfully, I managed to get that under control before I hit my forties... but that is another story.

Now that I am fifty and everyone is suddenly so very aware of our Malaysian-ness and not just our Federation of Malaya-ness, I have become a lot more aware of the fact that I share my birth year with my homeland.

And since I am one of those rare people who are very definitely Malaysian first, the synchronicity of our birthdates does have certain resonance. Of course, there is a vague possibility that this is all part of some great Malaysian literary plan – a la Salman Rushdie's Midnights' Children – but I am afraid that is kinda unlikely.

Whatever the case, I am still in the business of writing, hitting my eighteenth year as a columnist and becoming an inescapable part of the Malaysian media landscape in the interim, which is perhaps why people enjoy using my column page to line their cat litter.

Interestingly, as I have become older, people have also started asking me to advise them on a whole host of matters.

They generally begin with their more standard corporate problems – staffing and strategies (especially in Indonesia and across the region). But after a while, the really important stuff emerges. There's often a wayward son and daughter (a regular problem for the super-rich) to deal with, all of which requires discretion, delicacy and ingenuity.

But today, I feel I need to give some advice to Malaysia – to my country and, more importantly, its government. Now, we are practically contemporaries so there is bound to be a bit of uneasiness – I mean no one wants to receive unsolicited advice, but never mind, that is the tukangcerita's duty in life, no?

So here goes:

* Lighten up! Live life to the fullest and stop being such a killjoy. You are only fifty so there is no need to be carrying on as if you have got one foot in the grave;

* At the same time, please drop those sappy, soft-focused National Day ads. Only Yasmin Ahmad could do them right;

* 'Fess up: it is time to tell the truth about crime, corruption and all the bad things. Once you've told everyone how bad everything is, it is much easier to address the problems;

* Be bold on corruption. Charge a few present and former politicians in court and make sure they're imprisoned;

* Open up the media. Give us the freedom to tell you what we really think about you... in short, get the feedback you deserve from the mainstream media instead of agonising over obscure bloggers and web-portals;

* Get to the bottom of the Altantuya issue… Tukangcerita fears that otherwise her unquiet soul will torment Malaysians forever;

* Build a museum to honour the Proton Saga, but do not force us to drive one;

* Ban plastic bags forever! Can someone also explain why Kelantan is the dirtiest state in Malaysia?;

* Teach West Malaysians about life in Sabah and Sarawak: how come our fellow citizens over there aren't so screwed up over issues of race and religion? Use a portion of the National Unity budget to send West Malaysians to enjoy Keningau, Sibu and Tawau;

* Turn our public universities into centres of academic excellence and real intellectual inquiry. They're not kindergartens;

* It is high time we ban the "sombong bodoh" (stupid and arrogant) men and women from political office;

* Commandeer the vast, cleared TRX land behind Imbi Road for low and medium-cost housing. There's already too much office space in KL;

* Celebrate the really cute and clever Malaysians like Asha Gill, Daphne Iking, Jo Kukuthas and Yuna;

* Make Tony Fernandes our National Icon. He is cuddly, clever and cheeky;

* Stop all hand-kissing at political functions. Hand-kissing is only for family members and lovers. Too much protocol deadens personal initiative. Malaysia is not a feudal society – or at least it should not be;

* Move the National Art Gallery somewhere that is closer to public transport and make it a proper museum;

* Jail anyone who starts land-clearing on Penang Hill;

* Rediscover the pleasures of small-town Malaysia: Kluang and Mersing in Johor, Taiping and Batu Gajah in Perak;

* Tell Lim Guan Eng to lay off the char kway teow, he is beginning to look like a property developer;

* Organise better buses and trains for rural Malaysia;

* Remind political party members that their membership is smaller than the nation's population – ergo, we come first and you guys come second;

* Rethink our language policies. English is crucial as is Mandarin. But tukangcerita also speaks (and increasingly even writes) Indonesian. He can reach an audience of over 240 million.

Yes, Malaysia has got a long way to go but so does every country in the world.

It is never too late to change for the better — as I have said before — life begins at 50.

Selamat Hari Malaysia!