SUNDAY JOKES - 240

 

Teluk Senangin, Lumut, Perak, Malaysia

Taliban TV Guide

MONDAYS:

8:00 – “Husseinfeld”
8:30 – “Mad About Everything”
9:00 – “Suddenly Sanctions”
9:30 – “The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show”
10:00 – “McBeal”

TUESDAYS:

8:00 – “Wheel of Terror and Fortune”
8:30 – “The Price is Right If Osama Says Its Right”
9:00 – “Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Damn Things”

9:30 – “Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”

10:00 – “Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer”

WEDNESDAYS:

8:00 – “U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”
8:30 – “Bowling For Food”
9:00 – “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread”

9:30 – “Just Shoot”

10:00 – “Veil watch”

THURSDAYS:

8:00 – “Matima Loves Chachi”
8:30 – “M*U*S*T*A*S*H”
9:00 – “Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils”
9:30 – “My Two Baghdad’s”
10:00 – “Diagnosis: Heresy”

FRIDAYS:

8:00 – “Judge Laden”
8:30 – “Funniest Super 8 Home Movies”
9:00 – “Who Wants to Execute a Multi-millionaire”
9:30 – “Achmed’s Creek”
10:00 – “No-witness News”

 

“I had to borrow money for my wedding garb.

The only two things in life that are certain are debt and taxes.”

 

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture.

Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time.

I guess it wasn’t a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master!

 

What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant?
Big ones!

 

Why do elephants have wrinkly ankles?
Because their shoes are too tight!

 

It’s a sign of the time… it’s like being 16 again…
Gas is cheap and I am grounded again!

 

Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. “Please God send me a new doll for my birthday.”
Her mother, overhearing this, said, “Don’t shout dear, God isn’t deaf.”

“No, but Grandad is and he’s in the next room,” Sonia replied.

 

Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to the water. The chief says, ‘We will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honourable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes.’
The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this, he recites the Pledge and shoots himself. He is carried off. The next man asks for a sword. A warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man.
The last man asks for a fork.
‘A fork? asks the chief?’
But it’s his dying wish, so they hand him the fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, and yells, ‘I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!!’

 

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stink, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy.

The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.

The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning at about 5:30 am, the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.

 

With a look of shock on his face, the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!!!”

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Floods: 97,128 victims affected in Kelantan, shows no signs of improvement

 

PETALING JAYA: The flood situation in Kelantan shows no signs of improvement, with the number of victims rising to 97,128, involving 30,017 families currently taking shelter in 284 temporary evacuation centres.

According to the InfoBencana update from the Social Welfare Department at 8:05am, Pasir district recorded the highest number of evacuees, with 29,663 individuals from 9,895 families housed in 66 relief centres.

The second hardest-hit district is Tumpat, with 17,713 victims from 5,492 families. Meanwhile, Pasir Puteh has set up 30 relief centres to accommodate 9,872 victims from 2,983 families.

In Bachok, 15 relief centres are sheltering 6,952 flood victims, while Kuala Krai recorded 6,614 victims. Tanah Merah has 5,309 evacuees.

The portal also reported 6,098 victims in Machang, while Jeli and Gua Musang have 600 and 36 victims, respectively, currently housed in relief centres

Meanwhile, according to Sinar Harian, the Malaysian Meteorological Department (MetMalaysia) has reported widespread rainfall from Sunday to Saturday.

The weather forecast also predicts thunderstorms in several areas, with waves reaching heights of 1.5 to 3.5 metres. - Star

Sanusi and family flee flooded official residence

 

Kedah menteri besar Sanusi Nor and family seen in a video clip to be moving out of his flooded official residence, Seri Mentaloon.

ALOR SETAR: 

Kedah menteri besar Sanusi Nor and his family also became flood victims today, when they were forced to relocate as his official residence, Seri Mentaloon, was flooded.

Sanusi’s special media officer Helmi Khalid said the flood level at the official residence had been increasing since the morning, approaching 1m-deep by evening after Sungai Anak Bukit, behind Seri Mentaloon, overflowed its banks.

“The menteri besar decided to move to a safer place earlier this afternoon,” he said.

He posted a video showing Sanusi carrying his daughter out of the residence, while his wife, Jusmalailani Jusoh, and their other children were seen carrying their belongings out of the residence.

The two-storey building, located less than 100m from the banks of Sungai Anak Bukit, had been flooded since yesterday morning. - FMT

Yes to affirmative action, no to discrimination, says PM

 

Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim greeting a fellow old boy of the Malay College Kuala Kangsar at their annual dinner in Kuala Lumpur tonight. (Facebook pic)

PETALING JAYA: 

Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim has reassured the Malays against fears that his government’s more inclusive policies would sideline the community’s interests.

The government supports affirmative action but does not believe in discrimination, he said in a speech at the annual dinner of the Malay College Old Boys Association, Bernama reported.

He said previous implementations of affirmative action policies were marred by nepotism, and abused to enrich families and party leaders at the expense of the Malay community as a whole.

Anwar said he supports a modernised version of affirmative action that is more transparent and inclusive, ensuring that benefits are distributed more equitably to all Malays, including the urban poor and rural communities.

He said that the constitutional protection of the rulers, Malay special privileges, Islam, and the Malay language would never be jeopardised.

“The government and I through our formidable coalition partners have made it very clear that constitutional guarantees are in place and will never be compromised,” he said.

Concerns that the government’s policies would sacrifice Malay interests are clearly misplaced, he said.

“In fact under this government, for the first time, when we took back Bandar Malaysia (project) from a foreign entity, we made it clear that there is a minimum portion of 50 acres preserved as a Malay reserve land, the first time since independence.

“This instills confidence in me because not only Malays, but also non-Malays, including my Cabinet, understand that this position and government policy make it very clear that we are here to be fair, to consider every single Malaysian as one great member of one great family,” he said.

“We cannot expect to succeed if we abandon the principles of inclusivity and transparency, and ensure that these policies benefit the vast majority of Malays, including the urban poor and those from rural areas,” he added.

Regarding MCOBA, Anwar acknowledges the Malay College’s historical role as a provider of elite education, with ties to the colonial establishment and British values while maintaining its Malay identity.

He said the college traditions had not strayed from its roots, with its alumni making significant contributions to the nation’s development while remaining true to Islam, Malay heritage, and national values.

This combination of tradition and modernity, he argues, is critical as Malaysia faces 21st-century challenges such as digital transformation and energy transition.

Anwar is an old boy of the Malay College Kuala Kangsar, which he attended from 1960-1966. - FMT

When Tunku Abdul Rahman changed his views on Malay rights

 

Tunku Abdul Rahman and Syed Jaafar Albar held differing views about Malay rights and multiracialism.

PETALING JAYA: 

The nation’s first prime minister, Tunku Abdul Rahman Putra, believed Malaya should be for the Malays but he changed his views after independence, according to a new book.

His government’s tolerance of non-Malays caused friction with Umno’s “ultras” – a term used at the time for Umno members seen to be holding staunch nationalist views.

Among the “ultras” were Dr Mahathir Mohamad, later to become prime minister twice, and Syed Jaafar Albar, known as the “lion of Umno”.

The Tunku’s more inclusive approach after Malaya gained independence was a stark contrast to his outlook before 1957, according to the book “Idealis: Syed Hamid Albar”, a biography of Syed Jaafar’s son, Syed Hamid Albar.

When the Alliance Party was formed in 1952, Tunku Abdul Rahman believed that Malaya was for the Malays and that it should not be governed by a multiracial group.

Malays must also safeguard their rights, he was reported as saying.

The book “Idealis: Syed Hamid Albar”, a biography of Syed Hamid Albar, is published by Ilhambooks.

However Tunku’s perspectives changed after independence, and he had to reject the notion that Malaya belonged to the Malays.

The book says Tunku appreciated Syed Jaafar’s contribution to the party, despite their conflicting views on Malay rights.

Syed Jaafar was even honoured with the “Songkok Merdeka” award for his role in helping the Alliance win the 1955 general election, the first in Malaya’s history.

“Tunku also backed Syed Jaafar when he opposed Lee Kuan Yew (who would later become Singapore’s first prime minister),” the book read.

Syed Jaafar emerged as Lee’s fiercest critic, when defending the rights and positions of the Malays. Lee had viewed communalism and Malay dominance as a threat to unity.

According to the book, it was Lee who coined the term “ultra” to describe Umno members seen to be holding radical views in defending the special privileges of the Malays and Islam.

The book, written by Noor Hasilah Ismail and Firdaus Zainal, is published by Gerakbudaya. It was launched by Mahathir and is available online as well as from Gerakbudaya and Ilhambooks. - FMT

Daim and AK: towering legacies of 2 tycoons

 

Malaysia has seen the passing of two iconic national figures within days of each other in November – Daim Zainuddin, a businessman and two-time finance minister under the (also two-time) prime minister Dr Mahathir Mohamad, and T Ananda Krishnan, the billionaire owner of equally iconic Malaysian businesses Maxis, Astro, and Tanjong plc.

They were both 86. They were both supremely wealthy. In another coincidence, they were both also born within days of each other in April 1938, on the cusp of what would turn out to be the second world war.

The coincidences don’t stop there. Though immensely wealthy and powerful, they remained rather reclusive, keeping themselves mostly out of the limelight, especially in the case of Ananda Krishnan, or AK as he was more commonly known.

They let their actions speak for themselves. And what actions indeed!

Rising to the top

Daim accrued immense wealth as a businessman, and then went into politics – reluctantly if some people are to be believed – to help manage and grow Malaysia’s wealth as finance minister from 1984-1991.

He reprised this role during Mahathir’s unexpected second premiership in 2018. Both stints caused a lot of controversy, with much of it still reverberating today even if Daim is no longer around.

Ananda, meanwhile, started from a humbler position as a Brickfields-born Colombo Plan scholar and a Harvard MBA, at a time when that degree had not become an icon in itself.

He then went on to trade oil and help organise the Live Aid charity concerts that raised millions in the eighties, and built a business empire that spanned almost everything from telecommunications, media, satellites, oil and gas services, properties, power production and even gambling.

These businesses remain a legacy that will be around for a while yet, a testament to his acumen and enterprise.

The Mahathir connection

One thing Daim and AK had in common was a close relationship with Mahathir, the most powerful and controversial figure in Malaysia’s history, and Malaysia’s longest serving, and only two-time prime minister.

That relationship, as in many other similar power relationships, was part transactional and part personal, but was a tremendous help with their ambitions, even if it didn’t help them much in the end. And Mahathir, older than both by many years, is still around, perhaps out of sheer willpower to outlive everybody, friends or enemies.

A bystander’s thoughts

I can hardly claim to know Daim or AK. I am not and never was in the same pay grade as them – off in fact by a factor of billions. But I have been an observer, both as a citizen and also as an employee in some of the more interesting companies in Malaysia, including one associated with one of these figures.

These three people always come to mind when I ponder my favourite question of when enough is enough.

The fact I actually bother to ask myself that question is the prime reason that I am not, nor ever was, or will ever be, in the same pay grade as them, not to mention my lack of business acumen, guile, ruthlessness, energy and cunning.

I am a testament to the fact that charm and good looks alone (ahem ahem) aren’t enough to make you rich and powerful.

Going out on a low

Daim ended his days in court, facing multiple charges from his time in business and politics. Many claim the charges against him were politically motivated, which could very well be but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are baseless.

He died before the conclusion of the trial (which was likely to be the first of many) leaving many questions hanging in the air, and creating many new questions too.

AK also ended his days not quite on a high. His businesses are no longer the juggernauts they once were. He was clearly a recipient of political patronage early on, as that was indeed the game back in the gung-ho days of Mahathir-versus-the-world.

But unlike many of his crony contemporaries, he had the brains to make his businesses work.

Perhaps he was helped by his Harvard MBA, or more likely that he was actually smart enough to be accepted to do a Harvard MBA.

Under a cloud

However his wealth took a tumble as the valuations of his venerable telecommunications and media companies shrunk amid the challenges of new patronages, stiff competition and emerging business models that an old Harvard MBA didn’t quite prepare him for.

AK also ended his days under a cloud – or rather with a curt request for his presence in India regarding some allegations of impropriety with his earlier business forays in that country.

His Indian business plays also didn’t quite pan out as intended – not to mention a few other similar investments in other countries. Business life wasn’t all sweetness and light for him.

AK and Tony Fernandes

AK’s travails in India remind me of Tony Fernandes, another Malaysian tycoon of Indian descent. (An interesting aside: many used to refer to AK as a Tan Sri, even though he never was conferred such a title, perhaps out of his own refusal and desire to remain private).

Fernandes and AK both saw the obvious potential of India in their respective specialities – telecommunications and media – as well as low-cost airlines. Both sashayed into the country with high hopes and in Tony’s case, a huge amount of fanfare. In both cases, they exited with their tails between their legs.

They also had various court decisions and legal instruments requesting for their presence in India to explain some aspects of their business ventures there. It was never likely for them to ever grant the Indian authorities the honour of their presence. But their travel and holiday plans are somewhat curbed.

Both also learnt that just being of Indian ancestry and being superstars in their business arenas don’t guarantee success in Mother India, a harsh place to do business, especially for foreigners, as opposed to China, where many ethnic Chinese Malaysians have indeed found their mojo and pot of gold.

Role in Petronas

But I digress. AK also helped to start Petronas, Malaysia’s national oil company that is now a behemoth in its own right and, as far as national oil companies go, one of the best-run in the world.

That is not a fact known to many, and Malaysia indeed owes AK a huge gratitude, even if he indeed has had his ample rewards in many other ways.

But I can’t help but feel sorry for Daim and AK. They had their highs early on in life, only to end it in less happy circumstances. They both left behind a rather messy legacy, in reputation as well as in wealth, that means many years ahead of lawyers getting rich.

Earlier this year we had a similar death of another rich and powerful old Malaysian, Abdul Taib Mahmud, the controversial previous chief minister of Sarawak. In my article at the time, I again pondered way beyond my pay grade, even if perhaps with some degree of self-satisfaction and schadenfreude.

As someone who wonders often about when enough is enough, I’d say enough right here.

I wish no disrespect to these bigger-than-life personalities even as I urge everyone to put their own lives in perspective. And I offer my sincere condolences to those who loved them and miss them. - FMT

The views expressed are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of MMKtT.