SUNDAY JOKES - 332

 

Walking along the sea shore

Three little boys were sitting on a porch. The first little boy says, “What would you do with a million dollars?” The second boy said, “I’d buy that blue Cadillac over there.” The third little boy said, “I’d buy the pink Cadillac sitting over there.”

Then the third little boy asked the first what he’d do with the money. The first boy replied, “I’d cover myself in hair.” The other two asked “why?” and he said because my sister has a long patch of hair and she owns both those Cadillac!

 

A couple days ago, I was crossing this bridge and there was this character standing there with a cup in his hand. He goes, Hey, can you help out my wife and family? I said, Sure. And I pushed him off the bridge!

 

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously grounded to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

“I know,” said the Branch Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems and we can be on our way.”

“No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me and in no time at all, I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it and we can be on our way.”

“Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again!”

 

Dear Tech Support,

Last year, I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

I M Depress.

 

Dear I M Depress,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.
Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often these systems have become infected with viruses.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.
The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use utilities such as The Learning Channel and Fight To Death!
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0

With best wishes,
Tech Support.

One night an angel was flying around.

She saw a guy is counting sheep in bed: “one, two, three, four, five, six …”
The angel removed his left brain, and the guy counts: “one … three … five …”
The angel then returns his left brain and removed his right brain, the guy counts: ” … two, … four, … six …”
Finally, the angel removed both brains and the guy counts: “satu … dua … tiga … empat…”

 

An Indian, a Chinese and a Malay guy were walking down the street, then suddenly a car came and knocked all three of them in one go. Soon it attracted a crowd as they tried to help the victims. While waiting for the ambulance, the Indian guy suddenly woke up and the crowd asked what happened? He said when all three were hit, they went to heaven. God told them that it wasn’t really their time so with a fee of RM 100 each, they can return back to their bodies. So, the crowd asked where were the Chinese and Malay guys. He said “The last time I remembered the Chinese guy was bargaining for a lower fee and the Malay guy was insisting his Government will pay for it!”

 

A Korean guy asked God.

“God, when will Korea win the World Cup?”

God said “50 years”.

The Korean guy cried because he won’t live to see his country win.

A Singaporean asked God.

“God, when will Singapore win the World Cup?”

God said “100 years”.

The Singaporean guy cried because he and his son won’t see his country win.

Finally, a Malaysian guy asked God.

“God, when will Malaysia win the World Cup?”

God cried instead!

 

They were selling brains for brain transplant at the hospital and so the doctor was explaining to the customer: “This here is a brain of a fellow doctor, he has a lot of experience and knowledge in medicine, it costs 10 million ringgit”‘

At the next brain: “Here we have a brain of a professor, he knows a lot of theories and have seen a lot of the world, it costs 50 million ringgit”.

At the third brain: “This is a brain of a Malay man; it costs 100 million ringgit”.

The customer was startled at the price, “Why” he asked.

Doctor: “Because it can store a lot of things!”

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. For more information or to order for Memo Plus Gold, please visit : https://oze.my

Was anti-govt offer reported to authorities, asks MP

 Kepong MP Lim Lip Eng says the claim by PAS president Abdul Hadi Awang must be supported by evidence.

Kepong MP Lim Lip Eng asked if police had opened an investigation into the alleged offer to overthrow the government in 2014.

PETALING JAYA:

Another DAP MP has joined in the call for the authorities to investigate a claim by PAS president Abdul Hadi Awang that a foreign power once offered assistance to the party to bring down the government.

Hadi had said at the PAS muktamar in Kota Bharu, Kelantan, yesterday that the offer of help to unseat the government was made at a meeting at the US embassy in 2014 during US president Barack Obama’s visit to Malaysia.

In a statement this morning, Kepong MP Lim Lip Eng asked if Hadi or other PAS leaders had informed the authorities about this earlier.

Lim described the claim as serious and said it must be supported by evidence.

He asked if the police had opened an investigation into the matter.

“The police must obtain statements from them and identify the American representative they were referring to.

“What exactly was offered? Was it merely a political conversation or a plan to unlawfully overthrow the government?” he said.

Last night, Jelutong MP RSN Rayer also called for an investigation into Hadi’s claim, saying the public deserved to know what was discussed at the meeting.

Rayer said that if the allegation was true, it would constitute a matter of national security and sovereignty.

“What is even more disturbing is the apparent failure to report such an alleged meeting to the Malaysian authorities,” he wrote in a Facebook post.

In his speech, Hadi said PAS leaders Takiyuddin Hassan and Ahmad Samsuri Mokhtar went to the US embassy for the meeting.

He claimed the US was “prepared to help topple the government”, but Takiyuddin and Samsuri were not swayed by the offer and remained firm in rejecting it. - FMT

LBGT haters shouldn’t smear Penelope Wong’s personal life just because her spouse is of same gender

 

MALAYSIAN anti-LBGT campaigners should accord due respect by refraining from passing derogatory remarks on Australian Foreign Minister Penelope Wong Ying Yen just because of her Malaysian ancestry or her past ties with her country of birth.

This follows a post on the Sahabat Anwar Ibrahim Facebook page which featured the 57-year-old who is better known as Penny Wong with erroneous descriptions of “Australian Prime Minister (PM)” and “her wife First Lady Sophie Allouache”.

Fortunately, a Xavierian Penangite spotted the factual blunder by calling the post “fake news”.

Kota Kinabalu-born Penelope Wong is not the Australian PM but a senator/Foreign Minister. She is only acting as the Australian PM while the country’s PM and DPM (Deputy PM) are abroad between Aug 31 and Sept 3 on official business.

The Australian PM since May 2022 is Anthony Albanese while his Deputy is Richard Marles.

Here are the results of a google search: No, the wife of an acting PM doesn’t become a “first lady”.

Having showcased his/her stupidity by being unable to differentiate the roles of PM and Acting PM aside, what is more concerning about post of this nature in the Malaysian context is that certain so-called ultra-pious quarters would weaponise it to hit out at the local LBGT community.

Setting the record straight

True enough, one LBGT hater recounted how prominent Malaysian transgender entrepreneur, influencer and LGBT rights icon Muhammad Sajjad Kamaruz Zaman a.k.a. Nur Sajat “ran away to Australia to seek protection and continue being a bapuk (male homose*ual) there”.

“The higher-ups there don’t even care about the life of transgender. Hmm … Different worlds … May Allah spare us a calamity that can destroy us all.”

Thankfully, there were some commenters who stood up to contradict the somehow rightist’s sweeping statement.

“You care so much about other people’s sexual orientation yet aren’t bothered at all that our leaders are plundering wealth of the rakyat and nation?” jibed one netizen while another ticked off the LBGT hater for “not only interfering in the personal lives of others but also spread slanders along the way”.

Whatever the case is, the post has invited undesirable amount of anti-LBGT sentiment among the conservative and ‘busy body’ faction of the Malaysian society.

Truth be told, LBGT haters must accept that Australia both recognises and legalises same-s*x marriage since Dec 9, 2017 following the passage of the Marriage Amendment (Definition and Religious Freedoms) Act 2017

As for Wong who has two daughters (born 2011 and 2015) with Allouache via the IVF (In Vitro Fertilisation) method, both she and her spouse officially tied the knot after nearly two decades together on March 16, 2024.

Her father is Malaysian Chinese of the Hakka dialect while her mother is Australian and of English ancestry.

When her parents separated when she was eight, she moved to Adelaide, South Australia with her mother and her four-year-old brother younger brother, Toby, who later died by suicide in 2002.

Wong formally renounced her Malaysian citizenship in 2001 before entering the Australian Senate in compliance with Section 44 of the Australian Constitution. Apparently, Malaysia’s National Registration Department (NRD) issued a confirmation letter verifying the renunciation.

As for her assuming Down Under’s Acting PM role, this Instagram post by Foreign Fillagadu who regularly shares news, community updates and Australian immigration information is noteworthy.

 

All in all, instead of harping on her se*ual orientation, wouldn’t it be better if Malaysians join hands to be proud of Wong’s political success by being handpicked as Acting PM as espoused by this proud Sabahan? 

- Focus Malaysia

UiTM student dies, 8 hospitalised after heat-related illness at endurance challenge

 

A Universiti Teknologi Mara (UiTM) student died and eight others were hospitalised after suffering heat-related illnesses during the Komander Kesatria Endurance Challenge (KKEC) at the UiTM Jengka campus here on Sept 4. — SCREENGRAB UiTM CAWANGAN PAHANG’S FB

MARAN: A Universiti Teknologi Mara (UiTM) student died and eight others were hospitalised after suffering heat-related illnesses during the Komander Kesatria Endurance Challenge (KKEC) at the UiTM Jengka campus here on Sept 4.

Fadhlan Fakhry Solana Mohd Fellimal, 21, died at Sultan Haji Ahmad Shah Hospital (Hoshas) in Temerloh at noon yesterday.

Maran district police chief Superintendent Wong Kim Wai confirmed that two of the students were treated at Hoshas, while seven others received treatment at Jengka Hospital.

He said initial checks found that the students had suffered heat-related illnesses, including oxygen deficiency, while taking part in the endurance event.

"Further updates will be provided after receiving Fadhlan Fakhry's post-mortem report," he said.

Meanwhile, UiTM Pahang, in a statement, expressed its condolences and said it was providing support to Fadhlan Fakhry's family.

"The university has mobilised comprehensive assistance to ensure all arrangements related to the deceased's remains, documentation, transportation and emotional support for the family are handled with minimal difficulty," it said.

UiTM said KKEC, an annual programme involving Komander Kesatria participants from its branches nationwide, was scheduled from Sept 2 to 8 at its Pahang branch campus in Jengka.

"The programme has been conducted in compliance with strict health and safety standard operating procedures. All participants were required to undergo health screenings before the programme began, as well as periodic health checks before each event.

"In fact, several participants had previously been asked to withdraw after failing the final screening. UiTM takes this incident seriously and will continue to closely monitor the situation to ensure the welfare of all parties involved," it said.

The university said organisers had decided to cancel KKEC's outdoor activities scheduled for today as part of its commitment to the health and safety of students.

Fadhlan Fakhry, who represented UiTM Negri Sembilan at the event, was a final-year diploma student at its Seremban campus.

KKEC is an annual physical and mental endurance competition designed to test students' physical strength, tactical skills, agility and teamwork. - NST