TUESDAY JOKES - 330

 

Kundasang, Sabah, Malaysia recently

A man went to police station to file a report for his missing wife.
Man: I lost my wife (misty)
Inspector: What is her height?
Man: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Man: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Man: Never noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair?
Man: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Man: I don’t remember exactly.
Inspector: Was somebody with her?
Man: Yes my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together… And the man started crying.
Inspector: Let us search for the dog first!

 

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else!

 

Why were the horses so happy?
Because they lived in a stable environment!

 

Teacher: “What is the chemical formula for water?”
Student: “HIJKLMNO.”
Teacher: “What are you talking about?”
Student: “Yesterday, you said it’s H to O!”

My friend is making an absolute fortune by selling pictures of salmon dressed up in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel!

 

How do construction workers party?

They raise the roof!

 

Two husbands, Bill and Doug, were discussing their married lives.

Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
Then Bill said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word.”
“Wow!” said Doug, “How do you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied Bill. “My last words are always ‘Yes, Dear!'”

Q: How did the bee hurt his back?
A: He fell off his honey!

I use artificial sweetener at work.

I add it to everything I say to my boss!

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. “Mommy, how old are you?” she asked.
“Now dear,” said her mother, “You should never ask a woman what her age is.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it isn’t polite. You’ll understand better when you grow up.”
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

“Jenny,” said her mother, “That’s not a question you ask people.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it’s not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You’ll understand some day.”
“Mommy,” Jenny asked, “Why did you and Daddy get divorced?”
“Darling,” her mother replied with a sigh, “That’s something that’s still very painful for Mommy and I really can’t talk about it now. I’ll explain when you are a little older.”
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, “All you have to do is get a look at your mom’s driver’s license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it.”
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother’s purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, “I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!”
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. “And I know how much you weigh!” said Jenny. “You weigh 135 pounds.” “Jenny, where did you learn this?”, her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, “And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.” Her mother just gasped and asked, “Why?”
Jenny replied, “Because you were pathetic in bed!”

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Rightists shocked, fumed as stray vigilante Shah gets charge in court instead of canine Rocky’s owner

 

“IS the woman who obstructed a civil servant from doing his job by claiming to be owner of the unlicensed dog not charged at the same time?”

“Why is the Indian woman who obstructed a civil servant from doing his job not being prosecuted? Create a legal aid fund for Malaysians to help out.”

There seems to be so much furore in the air amid news that Muhammad Shah Idham Nor Haikal Shaharom will be charged at the Klang Sessions Court on Thursday (Aug 20) with allegations of choking a male dog using a “loop” rope till causing excruciating pain to the poor animal.

Based on the court summons sighted by Malay language news portal, The Merdeka Times, Shah is required to appear at the Klang Sessions Court at 9 am to answer charges related to the incident at Taman Telok Gedong Indah, Port Klang.

According to details of the charges, Shah is alleged to have committed the act on July 29, 2026 between 11pm and 11.30pm in front of a house at Jalan Sama Gagah 20 in Taman Telok Gedong Indah.

He is alleged to have unreasonably strangled a male dog using a “loop” rope which caused pain to the animal.

In this regard, the 24-year-old stray vigilante who is also a local resident will face charges under Section 29(1)(e) of the Animal Welfare Act 2015 (Act 772) which is punishable under Section 29(1) of the same act if convicted.

Among others, Act 772 is intended to protect animals, promote responsible pet ownership and prevent animal cruelty.

‘Stand by innocence’

In a reaction to the latest development, Muslim convert preacher Firdaus Wong Wai Hung revealed that Shah will be represented by lawyers Muhammad Rafique Rashid Ali who is also the Pejuang information chief, Mahmud Abdul Jumaat and Akif Rusli.

“We stand by the statement from our media conference the other day (Aug 14) that Shah has abided by the SOP (standard operating procedure) as stated by the MBDK (Klang Royal City Council) mayor,” penned founder of NGO Multiracial Reverted Muslims (MRM) in a Facebook post.

Shah who has sacrificed his time to serve voluntarily for the community has received threats to his own safety and that of his family.

Be courageous to seek the truth. Friends who have free time are invited to attend to support #Justice4Shah.

For context, Firdaus who has positioned himself as a sympathiser for Shah has presented what he deemed as “10 Facts From the #Justice4Shah Media Conference You Need to Know” following the event whereby Shah himself has vouched for his innocence after being singled out as the main perpetrator behind Rocky’s death.

However, senior journalist and political commentator Andrew Sia claimed that the “truth telling” session organised by the independent preacher “was one-sided as expected”.

“He (Shah) admitted to being at the scene but denied that he intended to harm Rocky. Is that true? Then Shah should have revealed who did the dastardly deed,” he wrote in an opinion editorial published in FocusM while debunking the “10 Facts” laid out by Firdaus.

Yet many online already accused Rocky’s lady owner of killing her own beloved dog! This is really a heartless rubbing of salt into the wound.

 

As an online battle ensued between the pro-canine Rocky owner’s faction and those who believe in Shah’s innocence, Firdaus somehow “succeeded” in injecting a large racial “fear-dose” into the debate.

Well, furore has erupted within the rightist fraternity against what is deemed to be grave injustice against Shah beyond the two ‘mild’ reactions featured at the outset of this article.

Opposition-slant cybertroopers have certainly seized the moment to bash the Madani government for what is perceived to be a blatant ac of only penalising the Malay Muslim community.

“This PH (Pakatan Harapan) government must fall. Have those who insulted Islam/Malays about this dog case been charged?” berated one commenter. “What about those who interfered with the duties of civil servants?”

“My country is peaceful and prosperous without DAP and PH and their sycophants … Laws are there to protect animals not humans,” chastised another.

Some even ticked off the PH government over its tendency of “always making the wrong move”.

“That things like this happen to the Malays will make people hate the government (even more). That’s why a devastating Malay tsunami will happen in GE16 (16th General Election). Don’t believe me. We shall wait for GE16,” projected one commenter.

One farsighted commenter even urged his brethren to put their political differences aside for if they fail to wake up from their deep slumber by allowing “a united minority, the majority will fall just like the fate of Palestine when the Jews unite”.

“A small population doesn’t mean weak … Learn from all previous mistakes you’ve made, don’t keep being in a state of animosity because of political stance.” 

 - Focus Malaysia

DAP kekal kerajaan demi pengaruh, ‘kos keluar’ lebih tinggi

 Penganalisis berkata DAP pilih kekal dalam kerajaan perpaduan kerana pengaruh dan akses kepada dasar kerajaan lebih menguntungkan berbanding risiko keluar menjelang PRU16.

Ahad lalu DAP meluluskan usul kekal dalam kerajaan perpaduan sehingga tamat tempoh pentadbiran sekali gus menepis spekulasi mengenai hala tuju politik parti itu.

PETALING JAYA:

Keputusan DAP kekal dalam kerajaan perpaduan sehingga tamat penggal dilihat sebagai langkah strategik bagi mempertahankan pengaruh parti di Putrajaya menjelang PRU16, kata penganalisis.

Sivamurugan Pandian dari Universiti Sains Malaysia berkata, kedudukan dalam kerajaan memberi DAP akses kepada kuasa dan ruang mempengaruhi dasar, namun pada masa sama parti itu terpaksa berkongsi beban jika kerajaan berdepan kelemahan atau kegagalan.

Katanya, keluar daripada kerajaan mungkin membolehkan DAP kembali membawa imej sebagai parti yang lebih bebas dan tegas mempertahankan prinsip, tetapi risikonya lebih besar ketika PRU16 semakin hampir.

“Kalau tidak duduk di meja membuat keputusan, ia akan menyukarkan mereka. Namun, ia juga menunjukkan DAP tidak mahu mengambil risiko keluar daripada kerajaan ketika PRU16 semakin hampir.

Sivamurugan Pandian.

“Setiap masalah kerajaan boleh menjadi ‘getah yang melekat pada kasut’ DAP menjelang PRU16,” katanya kepada FMT.

Ahad lalu, DAP meluluskan usul untuk kekal dalam kerajaan perpaduan sehingga tamat tempoh pentadbiran, sekali gus menepis spekulasi mengenai hala tuju politik parti itu.

Keputusan itu dicapai menerusi pengundian pada kongres parti di Pusat Konvensyen Antarabangsa Putrajaya (PICC), selepas usul khas dibentangkan Setiausaha Agung DAP, Loke Siew Fook.

Sivamurugan berkata, keputusan itu tidak semestinya bermakna DAP mengetepikan prinsip, sebaliknya menunjukkan parti tersebut cuba menyesuaikan prinsip dengan realiti politik.

“Prinsip tanpa kuasa sukar diterjemahkan menjadi dasar, tetapi kuasa tanpa prinsip pula boleh menghakis identiti parti,” katanya.

Beliau berkata, persoalannya sejauh mana DAP mampu meyakinkan akar umbi bahawa penyertaannya dalam kerajaan masih selari dengan mandat dan harapan mereka.

Katanya, keputusan perwakilan DAP juga belum tentu mencerminkan sentimen keseluruhan pengundi, khususnya selepas prestasi parti dalam PRN serta tanda-tanda sebahagian pengundi bukan Melayu semakin kritikal terhadap DAP.

“Yang akan menentukan untung rugi keputusan ini bukan kongres DAP semata-mata, tetapi pengundi di peti undi PRU16,” katanya.

Mujibu Abd Muis.

Sementara itu, Mujibu Abd Muis dari Universiti Teknologi Mara menyifatkan keputusan DAP sebagai langkah pragmatik bagi memastikan parti terus menjadi sebahagian daripada penentu dasar kerajaan.

Katanya, kos politik untuk meninggalkan kerajaan ketika ini lebih tinggi berbanding manfaat yang mungkin diperoleh.

“Secara keseluruhan, DAP memilih untuk kekal dalam kerajaan kerana keuntungan strategik dari dalam lebih besar berbanding risiko keluar,” katanya.

Bagaimanapun, Mujibu berkata kelangsungan kerajaan perpaduan bergantung kepada keupayaan parti komponennya mengurus persaingan politik, terutama di peringkat negeri.

Katanya, PRN Melaka dan persiapan menghadapi PRU16 akan menjadi ujian penting terhadap kerjasama antara parti kerajaan sehingga tamat penggal.

Tawfik Yaakub dari Universiti Malaya pula berpandangan, keputusan DAP dapat menghapuskan ketidaktentuan politik dalam gabungan kerajaan ketika ini sekali gus memastikan kestabilan negara kekal sehingga tamat penggal Parlimen. - FMT

Govt reviewing RM1,700 minimum wage

 HR minister says the basic needs of workers and the financial capacity of employers will be taken into account.

Human resources minister R Ramanan said the minimum wage review will consider inflation, labour productivity and the unemployment rate.

PETALING JAYA:

The government is reviewing the RM1,700 minimum wage, with a final decision on maintaining or raising the amount to be made by the National Wages Consultative Council.

Human resources minister R Ramanan said the review would consider basic economic indicators such as the poverty line and median wage to gauge the basic needs of workers and the financial capacity of employers.

He said the review would also consider inflation, labour productivity and the unemployment rate, Utusan Malaysia reported.

“The ministry has not conducted any specific study on a living wage yet, although Bank Negara Malaysia introduced the concept in 2018, estimating that the living wage in Kuala Lumpur, for example, was RM2,700 for a single person.

“The statistics department’s basic expenditure of decent living provides a more granular measure based on location, demographics and actual household spending patterns.

“The 13th Malaysia Plan also outlines strategic labour market reforms, including accelerating wage adjustments through minimum wage reviews that take into account the living wage,” he was quoted as saying.

The RM1,700 minimum wage has been in force since August 2025 and applies to all workers in Malaysia except for domestic workers and apprentices. - FMT