A multi-millionaire living in Penang decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Ramli Nor, the only aborigine living in his neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue and flirting.
Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, “I have a 15-foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million ringgit to anyone who’ll join him in the pool.”
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Ramli in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it, getting it in chokeholds, biting its tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Ramli and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell.
Finally, after what seemed like a rage, Ramli strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish.
An exhausted Ramli wearily climbed out of the pool with everybody staring at him in disbelief.
The millionaire said, “Well, Ramli, I reckon I owe you a million ringgit then.”
“Nah, boss, I don’t want it,” said Ramli.
So the millionaire said “Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million ringgit?”
“No thanks, I don’t want it,” Ramli insisted.
The millionaire said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex, or some stock options?”
Once again, Ramli said, “No.”
Confused, the rich man asked, “Well Ramli, then what do you want?”
“I want the bastard who pushed me in!” said Ramli.
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Ahmad: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Ahmad: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Ahmad: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Ahmad: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?”
Ahmad: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Four men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on the bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen to the conversation.
MAN: “Hello.”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me, Are you at the club.”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and I found this very beautiful leather coat. It’s only RM 5,000. Is it OK, if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead, if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Porche dealer and say the new 2020 models. I saw one I really like.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “RM 550,000.”
MAN: “OK but for that price, I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing ….. that house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking RM 5 million.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of RM 4 million. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra RM 1 million if it’s really a pretty good price.”
WOMAN: ” OK, I will see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The Man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns around and asks “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes him cry, so I threw a coconut at his face!
“I hate to have to tell you this,” said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed on cheese and bologna sausage.”
“That’s terrible!” said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine …. and the cheese and bologna sausage diet …”
“What’s with the cheese and bologna sausage diet anyway? I’ve never had such a diet before.”
“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor, “it’s just the only food that will fit under your door!”
One day, Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that he looks a bit like him: “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!” The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I have attended all of them and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could talk at the conference in your place.”“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.The driver looks at him, dead in the eye and says :“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me!”
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was pulled, sparks flew and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor!
A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane. The Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.” The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles!”
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a doctor?
A mechanic fixes his mistakes… A doctor buries his!
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