“Uh, don’t do that,” says the man, “my wife might see us on TV!”
The man who hated fake politeness was so renowned when he died, they preserved him in formality hide!
I was recently sharing with my father how bad my college football team had lost to a major rival 58-0 and that it couldn’t get any worse.
Dad, in his infinite wisdom, indicated, “The score could have been 65-0!”
Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
She got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of her legs and was still stuck!
Priest 1: We’ve got to do something. Many of the young people are converting to the Quaker faith.
Priest 2: I’ve noticed that too. In fact, some of my best friends are becoming quacks!
Thirty ways to shape up for summer – number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three…
What was I talking about?
I’m so hungry right now!
A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant and saw that the sandwiches were named after planes.
“I’ll have a ‘jumbo jet’,” he said.
When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway.
He then called his waiter over. “Was that the ‘jumbo jet’?” he asked.
“Yeah,” the waiter answered. “Went pretty fast, didn’t it?”
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car to get. So, the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted “240-S”.
The dealer asks, “Why ‘S’?”
The snail replies, “‘S’ stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who’s driving.”
Well, the dealer doesn’t want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they’d say “Wow! Look at that S-car go!”
A holy man, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat. A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.
Finally, the holy man feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to splash wildly around. The priest and the minister finally drag the holy man back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, “Maybe we should have pointed out to him where the rocks were!”
Little Mary talking to Little Johnny: I found twenty cents on the sidewalk.
Little Johnny: That’s mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning.
Little Mary: But what I found was two ten-cent coins!
Little Johnny: That’s it. I heard it breaks when it hit the ground!
I worry about the germs in the holes of the bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I’m amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You’re wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell!
You call your spouse and tell her that you’d like to eat out tonight.
When you get home, you find a sandwich on the front porch!
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher. “You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do!” Little Johnny retorted. “It means the car won’t start!”
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,” countered one commenter.