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Tuesday, October 3, 2023

TUESDAY JOKES - 180

 

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There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." said John.

"Well, then, where are you?" asked Marthab

"I'm a rabbit in Arizona!" said John.

 

I sat in my hair stylist's chair and said, “Make me look sexy!”

She then got drunk!

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of whiskey. I got it specifically for my horny husband'.

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. 

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Great foresight!'



What breed of dogs can jump higher than buildings?

Any dogs, because buildings cannot jump!


A bishop, a boy scout and the Prime Minister of Israel were passengers in a small plane. The pilot announced a very serious engine trouble and asked everyone to leave the aircraft. However, there were only two parachutes, so the bishop suggested that as he was the oldest, he should stay behind. The scout said: "Don't worry, sir! There are still two parachutes. Mr. Prime Minister has jumped using my haversack!"

 

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once! Because the next time you will be subtracting 10 from 90!

 

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing. 
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again. 

One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees has taken off sick today!"

 

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as numerous rats swarm out from the sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats kept pace, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surged over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze politician!" 

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. For more information or to order for Memo Plus Gold, please visit : https://oze.my.

Quranic verse: Islamic affairs minister offers advice to DAP MP

 


Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department (Islamic Affairs) Mohd Na'im Mokhtar was visited yesterday by Ipoh Timor MP Howard Lee, who came under fire recently for citing a Quranic verse in one of his TikTok videos.

Na'im (above, left) said the meeting was a constructive one, adding the duo shared an understanding that Islam must be upheld as the religion of the federation.

"Lee agreed when I advised him to be more prudent in quoting the Quran (in the future) to avoid misunderstandings," wrote Na'im on his Facebook page.

Lee's video, which has since been removed, was the subject of police reports and criticisms from Perikatan Nasional, most notably by Kedah PN chief Muhammad Sanusi Md Nor.

Sanusi claimed that the "liberal values" allegedly advocated by the Anwar Ibrahim administration had allowed non-Muslims to openly interpret Quranic verses.

Following this, Lee apologised for his actions but not before pointing out that PN did not mind their non-Muslim supporters and Gerakan members quoting Quranic verses in their public speech. - Mkini

Boustead Plantations, KLK share trading halted amid news of RM1.15bil deal falling through

 Trading in Boustead Plantations Bhd (BPlant)  and Kuala Lumpur Kepong Bhd's securities were halted earlier today pending an announcement, amid news that a RM1.15 billion deal for KLK to buy into BPlant has fallen through.

KUALA LUMPUR: Trading in Boustead Plantations Bhd (BPlant)  and Kuala Lumpur Kepong Bhd's securities were halted earlier today pending an announcement, amid news that a RM1.15 billion deal for KLK to buy into BPlant has fallen through.

A report in a financial daily, quoting sources, said that the deal, which was to be sealed by this Friday, has fallen through.

The news comes as the Armed Forces Fund Board LTAT), a party to the deal, faced backlash for what opposition leaders called a move which deviates  from the country's agenda of achieving 30 per cent Bumiputera corporate equity target by 2025.

BPlant lost RM370 million of its market capitalisation yesterday after its share price closed at RM1.27 a share. 

KLK's share price closed at RM21.48 on Monday.

To recap, KLK announced its plan to buy a 33 per cent ownership stake in BPlant, along with one share, from Boustead Holdings Bhd (BHB) and the Armed Forces Fund Board (LTAT) for RM1.15 billion, which equals RM1.55 for each BPlant share.

KLK, LTAT and BHB agreed to extend the cut off date for the deal to October 6, 2023. Once sealed, the three were to launch a mandatory general offer for the remaining shares in BPlant at RM1.55 a share. -  NST

Bila Tuan-Tuan Bayar Harga Monopoli Yang Mahal Untuk Beli Beras Apa Yang Berlaku Dengan Duit Anda?

 Untuk mengetahui jawapannya sila klik di sini.

SEJARAH BAHASA - KALLUKOTAI, PUDDUKOTAI, RAYAKOTAI

 

There is a sizeable town in Mindanao called Cotabato. "Cotabato" is a Spanish mangling of the Malay name Kota Batu. Kota means fort. So Kota Batu means Stone Fort. A simple name because most forts were indeed made of stones.

 


 

 

Then we also have the famous Kota Bahru aka Kota Baharu in Gopeng, Perak. Kota Bahru Perak is famous (in history) for its railway station. Possibly the second railway line in Malaysia (after Taiping - Port Weld) that was built by the British in Malaya. At one time the British considered making Kota Bahru the district capital of the Kinta Valley. By the way some Perak people say 'Kenta' and not Kinta. Sungai Kinta is a British mispronounciation of Sungai Kenta. Kota Bahru, Perak is also famous now because the cartoonist Lat was born there.


There is another place with the same name somewhere else in the jungle where the drinking water is almost black in color.

Then we also have places like Kota Raja. As well as "Kota Raya".

There is Kota Raja in Kelang. There is also a Kota Raja in Aceh in Sumatra.



So these names Kota Batu, Kota Bahru, Kota Raja (and Kota Raya) are quite common throughout South East Asia from Indonesia, Malaysia and the Philippines.

The Malay word 'kota' which means a fort comes from the Tamil word 'kotai' which of course also means a fort. 

And in Tamil Nadu, India they have very old place names like KALLUKOTAI, PUDDUKOTAI, and RAYAKOTAI  which means Kota Batu, Kota Baru and Kota Raja respectively. (The British mangled the spelling and pronounciation by saying Puddukottai, Kallukottai and Rayakottai).



 

Kallu in Tamil means stone, and Kallukotai means a stone fort. Or Kota Batu.

Rayakotai means the king's fort or kota raja. (The common Tamil word for king is 'raja'. Raya could be dialect).  Rayakotai would also be 'kota raya' in Malay.

Puddukotai means kota baru or a new fort.

How did this happen?



The Tamil Chola Empire which lasted from the 3rd century BC until the 13th century AD (about 1,600 years) is not only the longest lasting empire in history (longer than the Roman Empire) but it ruled directly and indirectly (through vassals) over southern India, the east coast of India, into Burma, Thailand and across South East Asia including the Malay Archipelago. The Chola's maritime, cultural and religious influences also spread in Indo-China.

"There is evidence of trade and cultural exchange between the Chola dynasty and the kingdoms of Giao Chỉ and Đại Việt, which existed in what is now Vietnam, during the 2nd century. The Cholas were known to have maintained trade relations with Southeast Asian countries, including those in present-day Vietnam."

To understand Malaya's modern history (post 14th century) our scholars must learn to speak Portugese, go to Portugal and research their colonial archives. Our researchers must also learn to speak Dutch so that they can research the Dutch archives in Holland.

Both the Portugese and the Dutch who ruled this part of the world for so long maintain a tremendous amount of historical records covering the centuries when they were here. We must be able to study and research those records.

And of course we must research the British archives in the United Kingdom. 

Likewise to understand our earlier history, including  the evolution of the Malay language, we need local scholars to learn the Tamil language and study the Cholas and other Indian empires who were so influential in this region for such a long, long time. 

Artikel ini adalah pandangan penulis dan tidak semestinya mewakili MMKtT.

Tular pukul tepi jalan, polis tahan 3 suspek

 

Tular di media sosial kejadian tiga lelaki memukul mangsa di Jalan Langat-Klang, Ahad lalu.

PETALING JAYA: Tiga suspek ditahan polis selepas disyaki terbabit dalam kejadian pukul di tepi jalan dekat persimpangan lampu isyarat, Jalan Langat-Klang, Ahad lalu.

Ketua Polis Klang Selatan Cha Hoong Fong berkata warga tempatan berusia antara 20 hingga 29 tahun itu ditahan oleh pasukan D7 daripada Bahagian Siasatan Jenayah IPD Klang Selatan bermula 6.30 petang semalam.

“Polis menahan tiga suspek warga tempatan yang bekerja sebagai penarik kereta. Semakan terhadap semua suspek mendapati, mereka mempunyai dua rekod lampau berkaitan dadah.

“Ujian saringan awal air kencing terhadap semua suspek mendapati, suspek utama yang berumur 39 tahun positif methamphetamine,” katanya dalam satu kenyataan, menurut Berita Harian.

Katanya, Bahagian Siasatan Jenayah Narkotik IPD Klang Selatan turut membuka kertas siasatan mengikut Seksyen 15(1)(a) Akta Dadah Berbahaya 1952.

Menurutnya, permohonan tahanan reman mengikut Seksyen 117 Kanun Prosedur Jenayah akan dimohon di Mahkamah Majistret Klang, hari ini.

Semalam, beliau berkata polis menerima laporan dari mangsa, seorang warga tempatan berusia 21 tahun mendakwa ditahan oleh sebuah kereta yang dinaiki tiga lelaki.

Katanya, mangsa melaporkan seorang daripada lelaki berkenaan bertindak memukul dan merosakkan motosikal miliknya. - FMT

Ancaman ‘Pak Belang’, Maik salur makanan di 2 pos Orang Asli Gua Musang

 

Tengku Mohamad Rizam Tengku Abdul Aziz melihat bakul makanan bagi misi bantuan bekalan makanan kepada penduduk Orang Asli yang terjejas akibat gangguan Harimau Belang di Pos Bihai. (Gambar Bernama)

PETALING JAYA: Majlis Agama Islam dan Adat Istiadat Melayu Kelantan (Maik) menghantar bantuan makanan kepada penduduk Orang Asli Pos Bihai dan Pos Belatim, Gua Musang, susulan ancaman harimau sejak sebulan lalu.

Yang Dipertuanya yang juga Tengku Temenggong Kelantan Tengku Mohamad Rizam Tengku Abdul Aziz, berkata bantuan makanan itu bagi meringankan beban penduduk yang tidak dapat keluar bekerja atas faktor keselamatan.

“Maik menerima permohonan bantuan bakul makanan dari Jabatan Kemajuan Orang Asli Negeri Kelantan (Jakoa) dan ia diluluskan sekali gus membuktikan kami sentiasa prihatin dan tidak sesekali meminggirkan masyarakat Orang Asli.

“Walaupun mereka (Orang Asli) berada jauh di pedalaman, Maik dengan kerjasama pihak berkaitan akan memastikan bantuan bakul makanan ini sampai dengan segera,” katanya menurut Harian Metro.

Sumbangan makanan bernilai RM73,000 itu akan diserahkan kepada 304 isi rumah di Pos Bihai, manakala Pos Belatim (185).

Sementara itu, Pengarah Jakoa Negeri Kelantan dan Terengganu, Zarina Razlan berkata, difahamkan tiga ekor harimau dikenal pasti berkeliaran di penempatan dua pos itu.

Beliau berkata, dalam tempoh itu pihak Jabatan Perlindungan Hidupan Liar dan Taman Negara (Perhilitan) berkampung di kampung berkenaan dan Sabtu lalu, seekor harimau berjaya ditangkap.

“Berbaki dua ekor yang menjadi ancaman kepada masyarakat Orang Asli di dua pos itu. Saya juga dimaklumkan sebelum ini seekor anjing sudah menjadi mangsa harimau dan disebabkan itu operasi menangkap haiwan liar terbabit digerakkan kerana bimbang akan keselamatan penduduk.

Zarina juga melahirkan penghargaan kepada sumbangan bakul makanan kepada penduduk di dua penempatan yang rata-rata bergantung kepada sumber hutan. - FMT

SPRM pelopori siasatan jenayah kewangan, kata Azam

 

Ketua Pesuruhjaya SPRM Azam Baki, berkata pihaknya terus bekerjasama dengan agensi tempatan serta antarabangsa memerangi rasuah termasuk jenayah kewangan. (Gambar Bernama)

PUTRAJAYA: Suruhanjaya Pencegahan Rasuah Malaysia (SPRM) memperluaskan lagi skop penyiasatannya dengan mempelopori kaedah siasatan jenayah kewangan bagi menyiasat sebarang salah laku dalam kewangan negara.

Ketua Pesuruhjaya SPRM Azam Baki, berkata ia merupakan kaedah terkini digunakan suruhanjaya itu bagi menyiasat kes berkaitan rasuah dan salah guna kuasa melibatkan jumlah kewangan berskala besar dan berprofil tinggi.

“Kaedah siasatan jenayah kewangan ini bukan saja dilaksanakan dan dipelopori oleh SPRM tetapi kita akan bekerja bersama beberapa agensi lain seperti Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri (LHDN), Bank Negara dan juga polis apabila siasatan melibatkan kes yang besar atau yang bersindiket (syndicated crime) berkaitan kewangan,” katanya.

Beliau berkata demikian semasa wawancara khas sempena ulang tahun SPRM ke-56 di Ibu Pejabat SPRM, baru-baru ini.

Azam berkata, SPRM perlu menggunakan kaedah dan strategi bersesuaian dengan peredaran semasa dalam usaha menangani rasuah dan salah guna kuasa dengan lebih efektif.

Beliau berkata, menerusi kaedah tersebut juga, SPRM telah mencatatkan kejayaan antaranya menumpaskan sindiket penipuan pelaburan antarabangsa menerusi Op Tropicana, hasil kolaborasi siasatan dengan agensi luar negara.

Februari lalu, SPRM berjaya membongkar satu sindiket penipuan pelaburan yang menyaksikan lima warga Britain dan dua rakyat Filipina antara 10 individu yang ditahan suruhanjaya itu dalam serbuan di Kuala Lumpur dan Pulau Pinang yang mana ia turut melibatkan aktiviti pengubahan wang haram dan rasuah.

Susulan kejayaan itu, beliau berkata SPRM perlu terus bekerjasama dengan agensi tempatan serta antarabangsa, memandangkan masing-masing mempunyai kepakaran dalam aspek tertentu yang dapat membantu dari pelbagai sudut siasatan, ke arah memerangi rasuah dengan lebih berkesan.

“Kita tidak boleh ‘work in silo’ (bekerja sendiri) kerana ia menyebabkan kita (SPRM) hanya fokus kepada satu perkara atau sudut sahaja.

“Dengan kerjasama agensi lain yang dinamakan pasukan petugas atau pun secara berpasukan, mereka boleh membantu dari segi kepakaran dan undang-undang mereka, manakala siasatan diketuai oleh SPRM bagi siasatan sesuatu kes,” katanya.

Selain itu, Azam berkata beliau tidak mahu berbicara soal menambah keanggotaan sahaja, sebaliknya menekankan soal pelaksanaan tugas dengan lebih berkesan dalam kalangan anggota.

“Sekali lagi, kita tidak mahu bercakap hanya mahu menambah keanggotaan, tetapi yang pentingnya adalah cara kita melakukan kerja.

“Begitulah perkembangan SPRM, kita mulakan dengan tenaga dan bajet yang sedia ada tetapi memfokuskan kepada kes yang mendatangkan kebaikan kepada negara dengan keanggotaan yang ada,” katanya. - FMT