There were two lovers, who were
really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the
other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly
30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died
in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the
spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John,
John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John.
I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where
you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze,
sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good
breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap
until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it
again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken
aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in
heaven, Martha." said John.
"Well, then, where are
you?" asked Marthab
"I'm a rabbit in
Arizona!" said John.
I sat in my hair stylist's
chair and said, “Make me look sexy!”
She then got drunk!
Sally was driving home from one
of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman
walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she
stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a
silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of
small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking
intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed
a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old
woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of whiskey.
I got it specifically for my horny husband'.
The Navajo woman was silent for
another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet
wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Great foresight!'
What breed of dogs can jump higher than buildings?
Any
dogs, because buildings cannot jump!
A bishop, a boy scout and the
Prime Minister of Israel were passengers in a small plane. The pilot announced
a very serious engine trouble and asked everyone to leave the aircraft.
However, there were only two parachutes, so the bishop suggested that as he was
the oldest, he should stay behind. The scout said: "Don't worry, sir!
There are still two parachutes. Mr. Prime Minister has jumped using my
haversack!"
How many times can you subtract
10 from 100?
Once! Because the next time you
will be subtracting 10 from 90!
A passerby noticed a couple of
city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with
their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I
appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It
seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it
back up again.
One of the city workers
explained, "The third guy who plants the trees has taken off sick
today!"
A tourist wanders into a
back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the
objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a
rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks
the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop
owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies,
"but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with
the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store,
two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time
he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time
he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people
begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as
numerous rats swarm out from the sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned
cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at
the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats kept pace, squealing
hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes
rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is
behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it
with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the
other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light
post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surged over the breakwater
into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique
shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the
story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze politician!"
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