Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies … “No matter what!”
On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the manure cart. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, “Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our ball position! Remember? No matter what!”
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of manure. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, manure went flying but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop two inches from the cup.
“Great shot!” his friend exclaimed. “What club did you use?”
The man gave him a wry smile, “Your seven iron!”
I’m no weatherman but you can expect more than a few inches tonight!
A middle-aged man goes into the doctor’s office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man’s wife alone and says, “There is nothing that matters with your husband. If you make him a couple of meals a day and let him watch his favourite sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to his in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he’ll probably live another 20 years.”
She returns to her husband’s side in the waiting room. He asks, “What did the doctor tell you?”
“You are dying, my dear!”
I came home from work last night exhausted.
I said to my wife, “I need my glasses checked. I’m so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death.”
Perplexed, the wife asked, “What’s being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death?”
“I couldn’t tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work the whole time!”
You must be a doctor!
You just cured my erectile dysfunction!
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there were two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, “What’s wrong?”
He says, “One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.”
The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.” He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, “What’s wrong?”
The first guy says, “Small world!”
Are you an archaeologist?
Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine!
One dismal rainy night in Sydney, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear-view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
‘Where to?’ he stammered.
‘Kings Cross,’ answered the woman.
‘You got it,’ he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, ‘Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?’
‘Well, madam,’ he answered, ‘I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.’
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,
‘Does this answer your question?’
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, ‘Got anything smaller?’
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