SATURDAY JOKES -332

 

KLCC, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Mike and his wife Dara were walking along Port Dickson beach one Sunday afternoon.

In the bandstand, the combo was playing a catchy sounding tune and Dara said, “I wonder what the name of that tune is.”

Mike noticed that there was a sign posted near the bandstand and said, “It looks like they post the titles of the tunes they play. I’ll go down and see.”

A while later, Mike returned and said to Dara, “It’s one I don’t know, it’s called ‘Refrain from Spitting!'”

 

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

A: She missed.

 

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer – you’re in the wrong place.” So, the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff and I’m keeping him.

God says, “Send him back up here, or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a mutt sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the Secret Service about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of honorary medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’ve just retired. The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says “Ten ringgit.” The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?” The owner replies, “He’s such a compulsive liar!”

 

Three men and a young woman are travelling on a train. The four passengers get talking and the chat soon takes an erotic turn.
The young woman proposes: “If each of you give me RM1, I will show you my legs”. The men, charmed by the woman, all pulled a ringgit note out of their wallet and she proceeds to pull up her dress a bit to show her legs.
The woman then says: “If each of you gentlemen give me RM10, I will show you my thighs”. Again, the men pulled out their wallets, hands over the money and the woman pulls up her dress to show her thighs.

The woman continues: “If you give me RM100 each, I will show you where I was operated on for my appendicitis”. All three handed over the money.

The woman then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance, that’s the hospital where I had it done!”

 

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a deer beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the deer fell dead. What do you think of that?”
The 90-year-old said, “I’d say someone else shot that deer.”

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Ramasamy on PMX’s trump card, possibly using Azam Baki to nail certain ‘sakau’ UMNO leaders

 

HAVING tasted the fruits of electoral success in the recent Johor and Negri Sembilan state polls, both PAS and Barisan Nasional (BN) are sure to replicate the alliance in the soon-to-be-held Melaka state elections.

This is precisely the concern of Prime Minister Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim in speeding up investigations by the Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC) into the Tabung Haji and FELDA financial scandals that have rocked the country.

If UMNO had gone along with Anwar, the probe of financial irregularities and mismanagement into these two federal agencies might have been stopped.

Investigation and prosecution of mainly UMNO leaders is the trump card held by Anwar. Whether this trump card would be able to prevent UMNO from aligning with PAS remains to be seen.

UMNO leaders are upset with Anwar for opening up the investigations for no other reason than to prevent the political alliance with PAS.

Anwar might think that the investigations and prosecutions might contribute to derailing the alliance in the Melaka state elections.

Delegitimising UMNO can backfire

The investigations and prosecutions might drag on indefinitely – maybe four to five years or even more – considering the option of appeals.

UMNO’s present calculation is that it should go ahead with an alliance with PAS in Melaka to further defeat the ailing PH coalition.

A victory in Melaka would be sufficient for the opposition to call for national polls. If Anwar delays the 16th General Election (GE16), then BN would withdraw its support for Anwar.

I don’t think Anwar might have the political legitimacy to continue governing in the absence of UMNO and its allies.

I have a strange feeling that the move to delegitimise UMNO through investigations and prosecutions might have the opposite effect.

There are even rumours in UMNO circles that former graft buster head honcho Tan Sri Azam Baki – despite having officially retired – is in fact assisting Anwar in going after certain UMNO leaders for their alleged involvement in financial scandals.

Given this, will Anwar seriously go after Azam for his above-the-limit dabbling in the share market and the presence of a corporate mafia during his term in office?

It is obvious that Azam is needed more now than before. Wonder who is the real or de facto chief of the MACC at present? 

Former DAP stalwart and Penang deputy chief minister II Prof Ramasamy Palanisamy is chairman of the United Rights of Malaysian Party (Urimai) interim council.

The views expressed are solely of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of  MMKtT.

- Focus Malaysia.

PAS Youth warns it will bury PH in the next election

 

PAS Youth has warned Pakatan Harapan (PH) that its members are geared up to bury the ruling coalition headed by Prime Minister Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim in the next 16th General Election (GE16).

“This is a warning to PH. The youth remain with PAS. The youth are not easily swayed by PH’s propaganda. Get ready to be buried in GE16. The youth will be the gravediggers for PH,” said Kelantan PAS Youth chief Mohd Firdaus Mohamed Nawi.

He said this after leading a Youth Convoy gathering in conjunction with PAS’s 75th Anniversary Celebration. The gathering serves as a clear signal that the younger generation’s support for the party’s struggle remains solid.

He added that more than 1,000 PAS youth members from across the country have warned PH that the younger generation will not easily fall for the ruling party’s propaganda ahead of GE16.

According to him, the presence of participants from various states in such large numbers was not merely to join a motorcycling event but rather to deliver a clear political message to PH.

Mohd Firdaus stated that the wave of youth participation proves that the new generation is ready to play a larger role in determining the nation’s political direction.

He also said that young people will be among the crucial demographics in deciding the outcome of GE16; hence, PAS views youth mobilisation as a vital element in facing the upcoming general election.

Meanwhil Focus Malaysiae, PAS secretary-general Datuk Seri Takiyuddin Hassan announced that the party’s membership has now exceeded one million, reflecting growing support nationwide.

Speaking at the 75th PAS Jubilee Grand Lecture at the Pusat Tarbiah Islamiah Kelantan, Takiyuddin said the figure does not include non-member supporters and overseas sympathisers, which he estimated could reach three to four million. —  Focus Malaysia

Rightists up in arms over Penang declaring ‘burn thrash’ Hungry Ghost Festival as state heritage

 

THE rightist fraternity whose view of the Hungry Ghost Festival a.k.a. Teong Guan Phor Thor which runs from Aug 13 to Sept 10 this year is one from a distinct religious, cultural and political lenses has admonished DAP-ruled Penang for declaring the event as an official State Intangible Cultural Heritage.

By gazetting opening of the doors of Hades commemoration to allow wandering spirits roam the human world during the seventh lunar month under the Penang State Heritage Enactment 2011, the Pearl of the Orient has emerged the first state to recognise the festival as state heritage.

The recognition of the Teong Guan Phor Thor Festival in addition to six Heritage Sites reflects the state government’s commitment to protecting Penang’s diverse cultural heritage amid rapid development, according to Chief Minister Chow Kon Yeow.

“The relevant nominations also went through detailed screening and vetting by experts through the Intangible Cultural Heritage (Socio-Cultural) Expert Committee, before receiving confirmation from the State Heritage Council and approval from the State EXCO Meeting,” he penned on his Facebook page.

Heritage isn’t merely a legacy of the past. It’s an identity that connects previous generations with the present and a trust that we must pass on to future generations.

We hope that more of Penang’s cultural heritage can be identified, documented and recognised as state heritage in the future.

Unfortunately, news of Penang becoming the first state to recognise the Hungry Ghost Festival as a state heritage as headlined by Malay language news site The Merdeka Times has left many rightists unsettled.

“Malaysia is Tanah Melayu. Don’t bring in other cultures. Don’t recognise nonsensical cultures. This is the outcome of appointing infidels to rule a Muslim country,” berated a Kelantanese commenter.

This is despite a fair-minded Muslim called for constrain among his brethren to respect the cultures of others.

“This has nothing to do with Muslims. After all, Penang is a non-Muslim majority (state) with the Chinese making up majority of its population,” he justified.

“So it’s their right to preserve their culture. We shouldn’t interfere in their affairs. Likewise, we also don’t like non-Muslims interfering in Islamic affairs.”

However, the lone Muslim commenter found himself chastised as a “lapdog” as others who flocked the comment section of the publication ironically founded by Muslim convert preacher Firdaus Wong Wai Hung deemed the practice of praying to “dead ghosts” as a “warisan khurafat” (“superstitious heritage”).

This was when some pious rightists expressed concern that such practice “can invite calamity from Allah”.

“May Penang Muslims not be beset by catastrophe,” prayed some commenters with one lambasted “Malay heritage being sidelined and not recognised”.

“It seems like a DAP ploy to eliminate Malay identity,” he accused.

Elsewhere, one commenter wondered if the Hungry Ghost Festival is also celebrated in China while another mocked the “stupid practice of burning so many joss papers and ghost money at public spaces” by asking “why don’t you just burn it at your house”.

Editor’s Note: While both Singapore and China do celebrate the Hungry Ghost Festival, the former allows the burning of joss paper in designated containers while the latter enforces strict municipal bans on manufacturing, selling and burning paper offerings to prevent pollution and promote civic reforms.

Many major cities and local governments across China (including Beijing, Shanghai, and Harbin) ban the sale, production and open burning of ghost money and joss paper.

Generally, authorities classify open burning as a fire risk, an environmental pollutant and a “feudal superstition” thus pushing instead for clean and civilized ancestor worship.

A similar sentiment was also observed on the Facebook page of TV Pertiwi, another rightist-slant news site with the event slammed as a political agenda by DAP to undermine the Malay Muslim majority.

“It has become more glaring since the Malays lost power in Putrajaya. It seems that these tribes are showing their fangs more and more,” fumed one commenter with another lamenting as uncivilised the action of “leaving behind thrash” after each prayer session.

At the end of the day, even the Hungry Ghost Festival can be weaponised as a punching bag to bash DAP. 

- Focus Malaysia

PSM urges halt to PPR Taman Manggis evictions as housing board defends enforcement

 

Parti Sosialis Malaysia (PSM) has urged Penang authorities to halt evictions at PPR Taman Manggis, while the Penang Housing Board defended the action. — NSTP/AURIS FAQRURAZZI

GEORGE TOWN: Parti Sosialis Malaysia (PSM) has urged Penang authorities to halt evictions at PPR Taman Manggis, while the Penang Housing Board defended the action.

PSM Penang said five units at the People's Housing Programme (PPR) Taman Manggis were locked by authorities on Sept 3, with several more residents allegedly facing eviction.

PSM Penang spokesman Choo Chon Kai said residents deemed to have lost their eligibility were being evicted without being offered permanent housing alternatives.

He claimed some grounds for disqualification were unreasonable, including a resident allegedly losing eligibility after marrying a foreigner despite having been married for years and heirs of original tenants who had died and were required to vacate their units.

"Affected residents had submitted appeals to the board but some have yet to receive responses before units were locked.

"Such eviction action is inhumane. The board and the Penang government should consider the appeals carefully," it said.

Choo also called for affordable permanent housing options, including Rent-To-Own (RTO) schemes, to be offered to those who no longer qualified for PPR but still required housing.

He further urged the state government to review eligibility requirements for PPR and Penang government rental housing, saying existing income thresholds were outdated.

The previous thresholds of RM750 for an individual applicant and RM1,500 for household income did not reflect current economic realities, particularly with the minimum wage now at RM1,700, he added.

The Housing and Local Government Ministry allows households with gross monthly income of up to RM3,000 to apply for PPR, while Perak has raised its household income threshold to RM3,860.

Meanwhile, the Penang Housing Board said enforcement against the affected units was not carried out abruptly but followed cross-checks, detailed assessments, engagement sessions and the issuance of notices in accordance with government procedures.

It said the PPR scheme was intended as transitional or temporary housing for low-income B40 families, allowing them to rent at heavily subsidised rates while stabilising their household finances.

The board said rent at PPR Taman Manggis remained RM124 a month despite increases in the minimum wage.

"Tenancy agreements are for three years and renewal is not automatic, with tenants required to undergo reassessment upon expiry," it stressed.

The board said investigations found breaches involving several units, including tenants who owned other property, households whose income exceeded the eligibility limit, units being sublet to third parties and violations of house rules.

"Enforcement is necessary to ensure fairness to other applicants who remain on the waiting list," it said.

On claims that residents were not offered permanent alternatives, the board said it had conducted outreach sessions and interviews with affected tenants and heirs as early as Jan 16, last year.

It said eligible residents were advised to consider the RTO scheme if they no longer qualified to remain under PPR, describing it as a potential long-term and permanent housing solution.

"Affected residents had been given sufficient time to make relocation arrangements.

"Notices of termination and vacant possession were issued on Dec 31, last year, with an adjustment period until March 31, this year.

"However, physical enforcement was only carried out on Sept 3, giving affected families additional time to seek alternative accommodation," it said. - NST