I am in the chemist lab and I said to the assistant, “What gets rid of germs?”
She said, “Ammonia cleaner.”
I said, “Oh sorry, I thought you worked here…”
One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said, “God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?”
God relied, “Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them.”
St. Peter went back to carry out the order but he suddenly came running back and yelling, “God, God, they’re gone! They’re gone!”
“The street gangs?”
“No, the Pearly Gates!”
If a woman says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be…
There’s no need to remind her every hour!
Doctor: What’s wrong with your brother?
Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.
Doctor: Really? How long has this been going on?
Boy: Five years.
Doctor: Five years!
Boy: We would have brought him in earlier but we needed the eggs!
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they could get under way.
The pilot and the co-pilot finally appeared in the rear of the plane and began walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appeared to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers did not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines started revving, and the airplane began moving down the runway.
The passengers looked at each other with some uneasiness. They started whispering among themselves and looked desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane started accelerating rapidly and the people began panicking. Some passengers were praying and as the plane got closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices were becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane had less than twenty feet of runway left, there was a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screamed at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream and we aren’t going to know when to take off!”
Because of a dense fog, a steamboat had to stop at the mouth of the river. A passenger demanded to know the cause of the delay.
“Can’t see up the river,” the harassed captain replied. “Fog’s too thick.”
“But I can see the stars overhead,” the passenger said.
“Yes,” the captain growled, “but unless the engines explode, we’re not going that way!”
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After making love, she spent the next hour just rubbing his private part … something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love doing that?”
“Because,” she replied … “I really miss mine!”
So, they ask me, would you like to answer your secret security password question?
I think, oh yeah, I can surely answer a question posed by a slightly younger me!
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and the man’s girlfriend kissing in the back seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar, laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That darned Pete!” the drunk chortled. “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening onshore.
As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, “Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!”
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief-mate why.
“Well Sir, when we undressed you, we found that he had also shit in your pants!”
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