Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said.
“You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.”
Joe said, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee.
The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Again, Joe replied, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee.
Two days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and the power went out and Joe didn’t get the rest of the instructions.
He turned to Joan, “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?”
Joan replied, “Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today!”
A taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective!”
A young man and woman were eager to enjoy a picnic in the park one Saturday noon and they opted to go through a fast-food drive-in for a quick snack.
They ordered, paid, got their bag of goodies and headed for the park. When they opened the bag, it was full on money instead of the hamburgers they expected.
They rushed back to the fast-food place and returned the money.
“This is WONDERFUL,” exclaimed the manager. “We’ve been looking for this money all morning and couldn’t figure out where it could have been misplaced. You two are an honest couple. A lot of people would not have the morals and honesty to return the money. I’m going to call the TV and the newspapers and let everybody know what an honest deed you’ve done.”
“Uh, don’t do that,” says the man, “my wife might see us on TV!”
I got a trophy wife.
I know that’s not right to say, cause if you’re married that’s your trophy.
I’m just saying not everybody got a first-place trophy.
Some people end up with a plaque.
You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon!
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband!”
On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.”
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.”
So, God agreed again.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”
And God agreed once again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.”
Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty years the cows gave back, the ten years the dogs gave back and another ten years the monkeys gave back. That makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”
So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody!
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third said: “You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can’t see very well. So, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took the elders in the church around 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. “William,” she said, “the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room but I have to clean the whole house.
“Arnold,” she said, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He’s a pain!”
“But David,” she said, “the chicken was very delicious!”
There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears.
The genie says to the man, “I’m a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes.”
The man says “That’s fine, two is enough.” “First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”
Poof – The genie hands the man a paper and says “Here’s the number to your account.”
Next the man says, “Second, I would like to be irresistible to women.”
Poof – the genie turned him into a box of chocolates!
An angry wife to her husband on phone: “Where the hell are you?”
Husband: “Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”
Wife, with a smile and blushing: “Yeah I remember that, my love!”
Husband: “I’m in the pub just next to that shop!”
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