THURSDAY JOKES - 340

 

Darul Aman Perdana lake, Sungai Petani, Kedah, Malaysia

There is an old story about the data centre of the future.
This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog.
The man’s job is to feed the dog.
The dog’s job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

 

A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, “I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here.”
The bartender looks at him like he’s nuts and says, ” I sorry but I don’t serve Gorillas in this bar.”
The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bartender gives it to them.
They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, “Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good-looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men?

 

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day; this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer

 

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there’s a big, bearded man standing there.
“Name’s Lars …Your neighbour from forty miles away….Having a birthday party this Friday … Thought you might like to come. About 5…
“Great,” says Sam, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Got to warn you…There will be some drinking’.”
“Not a problem… after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of them.”
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. “More ‘likely, there will be some fighting’ too.”
Sam says, “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Once again Lars turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”
“Now that’s really not a problem,” says Sam. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?”
Lars stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just for the two of us”.

Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, “We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to this academy, who killed Jesus?” The Jewish guy says “The Romans did it.” The Captain says, “Right, you’re admitted.”

The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same thing. “We have to ask you one question first before you’re admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?” The Italian guy says “The Romans did it.”The Captain says, “Right, you’re admitted.”

The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question. The Polish guy says “Gee, I don’t know.” The Captain tells him to go home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him. The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the academy, and he says to her, “You won’t believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to a murder case!”

 

“Brutus was at a buffet.

When he took a roll, Julius Caesar said, ‘Eat two, Brute.’”

 

A couple had been married 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows. They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. She wasn’t going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.
One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with her dress.
She replied, “Silver.”
At that point, her husband chimed in, “Yep, silver… to match her hair.”
Shooting a glaring look at his bald spot, her friend shot back, “So I guess you’re going barefoot.”

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Ridhuan, Firdaus, Zamri challenge Rayer to debate if indeed they’re guilty of sowing racial discord

 

THE country’s top three Muslim convert preachers have sought an open debate with their DAP critic RSN Rayer who claimed in the Dewan Rakyat yesterday (Oct 28) that the trio “are nodding in murky waters” while fanning the flames of disunity among multi-faith Malaysians.

This follows a proposal by PAS Pengkalan Chepa MP Datuk Dr Ahmad Marzuk Shaary who dared the Jelutong MP for a public discourse or to be in a unity dialogue panel for accusing the trio as well as their newly converted brethren S. Chandrasegaran a.k.a. Cikgu Chandra of being a menace to national unity.

Rayer had earlier interjected during National Unity Minister Datuk Aaron Ago Dagang’s winding-up speech on Budget 2027 by wondering “if only they can be educated by reading especially published books on the life of Tok Guru Nik Aziz who was a statesman and my idol” in the quest to better foster racial relations.

Firing the first salvo, Muafakat Nasional deputy chairman Ridhuan Tee Abdullah challenged Rayer who frequently identified himself as a pupil, protégé and staunch loyalist of the late Karpal Singh a.k.a. Tiger of Jelutong for a debate outside the four walls of Parliament.

“My name was quoted by an ultra kiasu (his favourite reference to non-Muslims) in Parliament as a pest of unity. I couldn’t defend myself in Parliament,” rebutted Ridhuan on his social media platforms.

“Therefore, I challenge him (Rayer) for a debate with me outside Parliament on the topic of unity. Is he brave enough? “

Immunity shield

NGO Multiracial Reverted Muslims (MRM) founder Firdaus Wong Wai Hung took a pot shot at Rayer by daring him “to repeat your sentence outside Parliament”.

“You speak in Parliament with immunity, hence why not just repeat your sentence outside Parliament if you are a anak jantan (real man) and a good & brave Hindu,” jibed Firdaus.

… I don’t see the National Unity Ministry organissing  a dialogue or debate between us after watching the answer from the Unity Minister.

Here’s my offer. Rayer, if you dare to accept Datuk Marzuk’s challenge to have a dialogue/debate with me or one of us, may I suggest this debate title, “Is Rayer or Firdaus Wong the Hypocrite Who Inflame National Unity?”

If Rayer doesn’t dare to repeat his statement outside Parliament and respond to Datuk Marzuk’s suggestion, then the people can judge who Rayers really is.

Echoing a similar sentiment, fellow independent preacher Zamri Vinoth, too, challenged the Jelutong MP to for a debate “rather than just mentioning my name in Parliament”.

“Rayer doesn’t need to be a coward. If you dare, let’s debate so we can know who’s really on the right side,” mocked the coordinator of Gerakan Anti Rumah Anutan Haram (GARAH)

“It’s not just about acting strong and mentioning my name in Parliament. If I win, he has to resign. If he wins, I’ll resign and remain silent.”

Short of challenging Rayer for a debate, Cikgu Chandra, too, chided the DAP lawmaker for “only brave to mention our names in Parliament ”.

“Rayer, you only validate illegal temples as a drug store by opening your mouth,” snubbed the social activist in a series of Facebook posts.

“I’ve many educated & civilised Indian friends who are not as disgusting as JELUTONG.” –  Focus Malaysia

Fadhlina: 691 teachers need immediate psychological intervention

 

Education Minister Datuk Seri Fadhlina Sidek said a total of 691 teachers need immediate psychological interventions following a nationwide screening of 82,126 educators by the Education Ministry. — BERNAMA

KUALA LUMPUR: A total of 691 teachers need immediate psychological interventions following a nationwide screening of 82,126 educators by the Education Ministry.

Education Minister Datuk Seri Fadhlina Sidek said the Psychological Well-Being Inventory (IKPsi) findings showed 636 teachers were at a moderate level, 32 at a moderately low level, and 23 at a low level.

She said the group accounted for 0.84 per cent of the total number of teachers screened.

However, she said the vast majority, or 99.16 per cent, recorded good psychological well-being, comprising 50,869 teachers at a high level and 30,566 at a moderately high level.

"Overall, these findings show that the majority of teachers who underwent screening are at a good level of psychological well-being, but the ministry will continue to provide attention and intervention to teachers identified as needing support.

"To assist teachers facing these challenges, the ministry implements a comprehensive intervention approach covering developmental, preventive, and rehabilitative aspects through psychological and counselling services.

"Among the services provided are individual and group counselling, psychological testing, guidance and consultation, as well as stress management programmes and emotional support for ministry personnel," she said in a written reply published on the parliament website.

She was responding to a question from Datuk Muslimin Yahya (PN-Sungai Besar) on the number of teachers facing health problems and mental disorders, as well as the intervention measures and support assistance provided by the ministry to help them sustain their lives and careers.

Fadhlina said the intervention approach begins with screening and identifying individual needs, followed by suitable psychological and counselling interventions.

"Among the intervention measures implemented are those focusing on individual issues and needs, covering financial management, serious indebtedness, moderate performance, and mental health-related issues.

"In crises, the support provided through intervention can help individuals stabilise their emotions, identify strengths and support resources, and develop an action plan to restore functioning.

"The ministry's approach not only focuses on resolving current issues, but also strengthens the capacity of teachers to maintain long-term well-being. This effort aims to help teachers regain stability and function well, enabling them to pursue their lives and careers more resiliently," she said.

Apart from psychological and counselling interventions, the ministry is also upgrading staffrooms with a total allocation of RM200 million, including an additional RM100 million, to support educators' welfare.

"This initiative aims to provide more comfortable workspaces, improved basic amenities, and a conducive, professional atmosphere to support teachers' needs in performing their daily duties.

"Providing a suitable work environment not only improves the comfort and convenience of teachers, but also supports their physical, emotional, and psychological well-being in carrying out their responsibilities effectively.

"This effort aligns with the ministry's comprehensive approach to teachers' well-being, including preparing a work environment that fosters a positive, harmonious work atmosphere and supports their productivity and motivation," she said.

Fadhlina said the ministry would continue to strengthen psychological and counselling services, and roll out appropriate interventions based on the needs of education personnel to safeguard teachers' psychological well-being continuously. - NST

New bridge to end Pulau Bruit's ferry dependence, ushering in economic revival

 

The new Batang Paloh Bridge, a RM289.8 million project opening tomorrow, will end Pulau Bruit, Daro's reliance on ferries and mark a new chapter in the island's economic growth. — PIC FROM MOHD AZWAN’S FB

SIBU: The new Batang Paloh Bridge, a RM289.8 million project opening tomorrow, will end Pulau Bruit, Daro's reliance on ferries and mark a new chapter in the island's economic growth.

The 1.7-kilometre bridge is expected to speed up the movement of residents and the transport of agricultural and marine produce to outside markets, easing the logistical constraints that have long hampered the island's economic activity.

Deputy Premier of Sarawak and Minister of Infrastructure and Port Development Sarawak Datuk Amar Douglas Uggah Embas announced the bridge's opening at a recent sitting of the Sarawak State Legislative Assembly.

He said the Batang Paloh Bridge, together with the completed Muara Lassa Bridge, will strengthen the coastal road network and enhance Pulau Bruit's connectivity with Daro, Tanjung Manis, Sarikei and surrounding areas.

A Bernama survey found that residents welcome the bridge's opening, expected to end the hardship of waiting for ferries, especially during festive seasons and school holidays, when waits can stretch to several hours.

Kampung Semop resident Salleh Jamain, 53, said the bridge's opening is highly anticipated, as it would not only ease travel to Sibu and Sarikei but also potentially boost his income through the vehicle-repair service he runs on the side.

"I was very happy when I learnt the bridge would open at the end of the month, because trips to town will become faster and easier.

"I also did not want to miss the chance to witness this historic moment," he told Bernama.

Salleh hopes the facility will invigorate local economic activity, opening up more job opportunities and sources of income for residents.

For smallholder oil palm farmers, the bridge's opening brings even greater benefits, as deliveries of their produce to markets outside the island will no longer be subject to ferry operating schedules.

Smallholder Omarmayah Rosli said he uses four pickup trucks a day to deliver oil palm fruit to buyers in Sarikei, but the number of trips depends on ferry services.

"Right now, the number of trips is rather limited because we depend on the ferry. Once the bridge opens, we can deliver oil palm fruit at any time and make more trips.

"This will not only boost the income of smallholders but also that of workers and vehicle owners transporting the oil palm harvest," he said.

Meanwhile, Kampung Semop community chief Kamri Haron described the bridge's opening as a key turning point in Pulau Bruit's development, particularly in widening market access for agricultural and fishery produce and stimulating local business activity.

"This bridge does not merely connect Pulau Bruit to the outside world but is also a symbol of progress that opens up more economic opportunities for residents," he said. — BERNAMA

Malaysia faces population decline as fertility rate continues to fall

 

Malaysia's total fertility rate (TFR) remains below the replacement level, recording 1.6 children per woman aged 15 to 49 in 2024. — BERNAMA FILE PIC

KUALA LUMPUR: Malaysia's total fertility rate (TFR) remains below the replacement level, recording 1.6 children per woman aged 15 to 49 in 2024.

National Population and Family Development Board (LPPKN) director-general Datuk Abdul Shukur Abdullah said the rate was well below the population replacement level of 2.1 children per woman.

"Based on the Vital Statistics Malaysia 2025 report published by the Department of Statistics Malaysia (DOSM), Malaysia's TFR for 2024 stood at 1.6 children for every woman aged 15 to 49.

"This rate is far below the population replacement level, which is around 2.1 children per woman," he said.

By ethnic group, the Malay community recorded the highest TFR in 2024 at 1.9 children per woman, followed by other Bumiputeras at 1.6, Indians at 1.1, and Chinese at 0.9.

He said that while the Chinese community recorded the lowest fertility rate, the trend should not be linked solely to cultural or racial factors.

"Among the factors influencing low fertility are delayed marriages, an increasing age when having the first child, living and housing costs, childcare and education expenses, higher female participation in education and employment, and challenges in balancing work and family responsibilities," he said.

He said couples in urban areas were also more cautious about family planning.

"The decision to have a second or third child does not depend merely on the desire to have children, but on whether the family has sufficient time, financial resources, childcare support, and workplace backing," he said.

He said Malaysia must intensify interventions to slow the declining fertility rate to prevent population decline and age-structure imbalances by 2100.

Abdul Shukur said the national TFR dropped from 2.0 children per woman in 2015 to 1.6 in 2024.

The drop was far below the replacement level of 2.1 children per woman, which is the level needed to maintain population size over the long term without taking migration into account, he said.

"However, declining fertility is not unique to Malaysia. It is a global trend, especially in developed countries where more women pursue higher education, enter the workforce, and postpone marriage and childbearing.

"Malaysia is among the countries experiencing a rapid decline in fertility rates. Looking at the data from 2015 to 2024, the rate fell by 0.4 points in about 10 years.

"Therefore, interventions must be carried out to slow this trend so that we can delay population decline," he said.

On long-term targets, Abdul Shukur said demographic studies showed Malaysia was unlikely to meet its previously projected target of 70 million people by 2100.

He said Malaysia must address changes in its population structure caused by declining birth rates and rising life expectancy.

"This situation can lead to an increase in the elderly population compared with the youth, which will strain social support systems, healthcare, and retirement savings.

"With the fertility rate at 1.6, we must look at the long-term impact.

"If births continue to fall behind deaths, the population could begin to shrink," he said.

On efforts to boost fertility rates, Abdul Shukur said it was not an easy task as it required substantial investment and a comprehensive approach to ease the cost of raising children.

"The experience of several countries that have succeeded in raising fertility rates shows that governments must provide financial support and facilities that enable couples to balance work and family life.

"The government needs to invest in reducing the cost of raising children, including financial aid, childcare, and family support.

"When couples are forced to choose between building careers and having children, costs and support facilities become key considerations," he said.

He noted that several states had introduced childbirth and family-related assistance, but their capacity to offer incentives varied depending on their financial standing.

"Therefore, efforts to raise fertility cannot rely solely on baby bonuses. They must be supported by a family-friendly ecosystem that encompasses childcare, education, and work-life balance," he said.

Abdul Shukur also said preparations for an ageing population must be prioritised, including ensuring that senior citizens have adequate retirement savings and strong family support systems.

He said longer life expectancy meant people must prepare financially and physically for extended retirement years.

"Ageing is not just about population figures. We must also look at physical and mental health, financial capacity, and family support.

"Family ties are essential so that the elderly are not marginalised or forced to live alone without support," he said.

Abdul Shukur added that strong family foundations must be established before marriage and maintained throughout family life to foster love, responsibility, and mutual support. - NST

Umno confirms pact with PAS, Perikatan for Melaka polls, to launch joint manifesto

 

Umno secretary-general Datuk Dr Asyraf Wajdi Dusuki said the decision was made at the party’s supreme council meeting yesterday. — File picture by Firdaus Latif

KUALA LUMPUR, Oct 29 — Umno has confirmed its political cooperation with PAS and Perikatan Nasional (PN) for the 16th Melaka state election, which will include a joint election manifesto between Barisan Nasional (BN) and PN.

Umno secretary-general Datuk Asyraf Wajdi Dusuki said the decision was made at the party’s supreme council meeting yesterday.

He said Umno had directed all its election machinery and supporters to give their full backing to PN candidates contesting in the state election.

“(The meeting) unanimously agreed to formalise the political cooperation and understanding with our strategic partner PAS and our friends from Perikatan Nasional to face the 16th Melaka state election.

“We also agreed for BN and PN to launch a joint election manifesto to offer the best service to the people and to continue the excellence in the state’s administration and development that has been achieved so far,” he said in a statement yesterday.

Asyraf Wajdi also called on party leaders and machinery to campaign courteously and ethically throughout the election period.

He said all parties should avoid slander, insults and personal attacks against rival parties to ensure a mature and harmonious campaign.

Separately, he urged the government, particularly the Finance Ministry, to withdraw its directive cancelling projects that involve the people’s interests, especially in Sabah and Sarawak.

He said rural development projects, including road construction and rural water and electricity supply, must continue for the wellbeing and development of local communities.- malaymail

Inside KL’s SMART Tunnel: The hidden work behind its flood-fighting operation

 

A general view of the SMART Tunnel pump room during a visit and media briefing in Kuala Lumpur on October 21, 2026. — Picture by Firdaus Latif.

KUALA LUMPUR, Oct 29 — On a daily basis, motorists driving through the motorway section of Kuala Lumpur’s SMART Tunnel may pass through without giving much thought to the two gates that remain shut beyond the familiar stretch of road.

Yet behind those gates lies another side of the tunnel — never seen by motorists.

During a visit to the facility, a current of air from the flood tunnel felt surprisingly cool against the skin, almost like a breeze offering relief from the heat outside.

This was coming from the 9.7km-long infrastructure beneath the city that is part of a flood-mitigation system designed to divert excess water from the confluence of Sungai Klang and Sungai Ampang at Kampung Berembang towards a holding pond in Taman Desa.

Only about 3km of the tunnel doubles as a motorway.

When heavy rain threatens to overwhelm the river system, that section can be closed to traffic so the tunnel can fulfil its other purpose: carrying floodwater away from vulnerable parts of Kuala Lumpur.

Constructing the tunnel required specialised underground engineering —a 13.2-metre-diameter Slurry Mix-Shield tunnel-boring machine (TBM) to excavate the passage beneath the city.

The machine was among the largest of its kind in the region at the time, helping create the stormwater tunnel that now serves two very different purposes, depending on the weather.

What happens behind the gates when the weather turns?

Two control centres, one flood threat

The first signs of a possible flood operation emerge well before water enters the motorway section.

The Department of Irrigation and Drainage (DID) monitors river conditions and water levels, assessing the threat posed by rising water and managing the diversion of excess flows.

Meanwhile, Amanat Lebuhraya Rakyat Berhad’s (ALR) SMART Traffic Control Centre oversees traffic operations, including traffic diversions and motorway closures.

ALR, is the holding company of the SMART Tunnel concessionaire.

When the threat of flooding requires the motorway to be closed, traffic must first be cleared and the road secured before the tunnel can be used for flood mitigation.

These warnings — through various channels, today via social media platforms — begin when Mode 3 is activated, as the motorway is closed and motorists are advised to avoid the SMART Tunnel and use alternative routes.

Mode 3 is a precautionary measure that places the tunnel on standby for possible flooding.

Although the motorway is closed, the traffic compartment is not necessarily flooded at this stage.

Only if heavy rain persists, Mode 4 is activated and the motorway compartment is used to trap floodwater.

Amanat Lebuhraya Rakyat Bhd group chief executive officer Muhammad Nizam Alias speaks during a visit and media briefing at the SMART Tunnel in Kuala Lumpur on October 21, 2026. — Picture by Firdaus Latif.

What happens behind the gates?

Under normal conditions, the motorway remains open and the gates stay shut.

Most motorists have little reason to think about what lies beyond them.

The tunnel is designed to operate in four modes, depending on rainfall and flood conditions.

Under Mode 1, the motorway operates normally, with no floodwater diverted through the tunnel.

In Mode 2, excess water is channelled through the lower section while the road remains open to traffic.

When a more serious storm threatens, the system moves to Mode 3, then subsequently, Mode 4 is activated if the rain arrives at a threatening stage.

For the first time in nearly 20 years, the gates were opened for viewing to the press, offering a glimpse of the tunnel’s interior.

Once diverted, excess water is channelled towards Taman Desa Pond, where it is temporarily stored before being released into Sungai Kerayong through a separate, approximately 500m-long twin box culvert.

The gates are only one part of a system that also relies on river monitoring, traffic control, water diversion and storage.

Since the tunnel began operating in 2007, Mode 4 has been activated 11 times, turning the motorway into a flood channel when heavy rain threatens Kuala Lumpur.

When the rain stops, work continues

After a Mode 4 operation, floodwater must be pumped out and debris removed before the tunnel can be restored for traffic.

About 30m underground, seven floors below ground level, there is the Pump Room that houses five large pumps.

These large pumps are responsible for draining water that’s been trapped in the tunnel.

Floodwater can leave behind mud, sediment, driftwood and other debris, while the force of the water may also damage lights, signboards and other tunnel fixtures.

Crews must check for gas and other potential hazards before proceeding with cleaning.

The recovery process is estimated to take an average of about two days, with a reopening target of up to four days after closure.

RM500,000 in average repair costs

The physical damage caused by floodwater also carries a substantial cost and could be estimated at RM500,00 each time Mode 4 was activated.

There is also a financial trade-off when the motorway closes. During Modes 3 and 4, vehicles cannot use the motorway section, meaning toll collection through that section stops while the road is unavailable to traffic.

A general view of the SMART Tunnel during a visit and media briefing in Kuala Lumpur on October 21, 2026. — Picture by Firdaus Latif.

Awaiting the next storm

For motorists, the SMART Tunnel may be little more than a few kilometres of road beneath Kuala Lumpur. Its other function is largely invisible during ordinary journeys.

Behind the closed gates is a system that must be monitored and prepared before floodwater can be diverted, then drained, cleaned and repaired before traffic can return.

Ventilation, pumping and maintenance all play a part in keeping the infrastructure ready for the moment it must change purpose.

The cool breeze ends once the visit was over, it was lights-off and the tunnel was left in pitch darkness, awaiting the next time it would be called into service. - malaymail