TUESDAY JOKES - 339

 

Padang Jerami, Gurun, Kedah, Malaysia.

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbour who was also an older man.
“Say, is this really a healthy place?”
“It sure is,” the man replied.
“When I first arrived here, I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”
“That’s wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”
“I was born here!”

 

If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake!

 

A blonde goes horseback riding.
It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop.
The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden, she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.
The horse doesn’t stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down.
She doesn’t know what to do.

Finally, the Tesco manager comes and unplugs it!

 

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.
The first nurse said, “I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn’t hear.
The second nurse said, “Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.
The third nurse fainted!

 

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what!?”
“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”
“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”
“Murdered the owner?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car, please?”
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, “Is this your car, sir?”
The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence.

He looked quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”
The man replies, “I bet you, the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

Fresh out of accountancy school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I’ll start you at ten thousand ringgit a month.”
“Ten thousand ringgit!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That” the owner said, “is your first worry!”

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift to women?
Exchange him!

I recently went to my 30th class reunion from nursery school.
I didn’t want to go because I’ve put on maybe 150 or 160 pounds since then!

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can’t believe it!
He said, “What’s wrong with you? We’re being boiled alive! They’re going to eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?”
The other missionary said, “I just urinated into the soup!”

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Christmas comes early for Teresa Kok; steep lesson in litigation for ‘loud mouth’ UMNO Youth chief

 

EVEN if DAP veteran Teresa Kok only walked away with a tiny slice of RM300,000 from her initial RM25 mil legal suit over the Nyonya Tua debacle following her stance against mandatory halal certification in July 2024, this is still a big slap on the face to UMNO Youth chief Datuk Dr Muhamad Akmal Saleh.

Above all else, the latest court victory comes fresh from her having squeezed every dime from fellow UMNO senior Datuk Seri Jamal Md Yunos a.k.a. Jamal Jamban earlier this year – RM366,600 in total (RM300,000 in general, aggravated and exemplary damages alongside RM50,000 in legal costs and RM66,600 in remaining costs and interest).

Little wonder, pro-Madani political observers are wary that Akmal has subconsciously embraced the political culture of slandering opponents as his association with PAS to foster the ummah unity spirit deepens.

“It seems as if this political disease that is often associated with PAS has started to infect Akmal … Accuse first, prove later. If the supporters believe it, the mission is considered complete,” argued Facebooker Ahmad Mursi.

But the court is not a stage for political speeches. It is not the number of supporters that determines right or wrong.

Akmal can continue to speak out. That is his right. Only from now on, he may have learnt the hard way that not everything in politics can be solved with a loud voice, a fierce face and by pointing fingers.

Because in politics, people can applaud when we attack our opponents. But when we lose a lawsuit, the one who has to pay is not the supporters.

The one who has to fork out the money is we ourselves.

Losing court case to elder brother

As it is, the self-proclaimed staunch defender of race and religion can still appeal or apply for a stay of execution from paying the Seputeh MP RM250,000 in general and aggravated damages in addition to RM50,000 in legal costs as ordered by the Melaka High Court yesterday.

While his appeal must be filed within the mandatory 30-day window from the date of the court decision, his formal stay application would hinge on the Merlimau MP’s compliance with the mandatory injunction to take down the defamatory videos (ie the name calling and sticking of halal logo on the forehead) within seven days.

Elsewhere, news portal Arus Daily took a swipe at the Melaka state EXCO for Rural Development, Agriculture and Food Security in that “people enter politics to gain influence but Dr Akmal seems to also gain experience in the legal field”.

“Not as a lawyer. As a defendant! ” jibed the publication. “I salute Dr Akmal. Not all politicians are capable of turning a halal certificate issue into a learning experience worth RM300,000.”

Interestingly, Arus Daily further dug up a somewhat family feud in which the Russia-trained medical doctor was ordered by the Melaka Sessions Court in December 2023 to pay RM45,000 in damages and RM4,200 in costs in a defamation suit brought by his biological brother Dr Muhamad Solehin Saleh (now with BERSAMA).

“Other people have family history. Dr Akmal has a history of family litigation. ” mocked the news portal.

If you add up the two court decisions, the total is RM349,200. But let’s not be too hard on Dr Akmal.

Maybe he is conducting a very important social experiment for the country. To what extent can freedom of speech be tested before the court issues an invoice? First experiment RM49,200. Second experiment RM300,000.

Another political slant news portal Nadi Daily stressed that Akmal’s court defeat should serve as a lesson to all politicians that “religious issues are not a license to attack the dignity of others at will”.

“If you disagree with Teresa’s views on halal certification, answer with facts. Explain the policy, explain the importance of certification and present the argument,” asserted the news portal.

Don’t jump straight to personal attacks. The most interesting thing is when Teresa was attacked, there was no shortage of cheers.

Now when it comes to the RM300,000 chapter, let’s see how many are willing to help pay.

Hopefully, politicians will be more careful from now on by thinking twice before opening their mouth. Because on the political stage, a loud voice may get applause.

But in court, what is needed is evidence. –  Focus Malaysia

Jiran yang bikin semak

 Toleransi hidup berjiran tidak bermaksud kita perlu terus berdiam diri apabila gangguan sama berulang tanpa rasa tanggungjawab.

Hidup berjiran memang ada macam-macam ragam.

Ada jiran yang baik hati, suka menolong, ringan tulang dan mengambil berat tentang orang sekeliling. Ada juga jiran yang kita tidak begitu kenal, tetapi tidak pernah mendatangkan masalah. Masing-masing menjaga hal sendiri.

Ada yang sudah bertahun-tahun tinggal berdepan-depan, tetapi sekadar angkat tangan dan senyum. Tidak pernah berbual. Janji tidak menyusahkan orang lain, kita baik-baik sahaja.

Ada juga yang langsung tidak mahu memandang, apatah lagi bertegur sapa. Tetapi selagi tidak membuat susah kepada orang lain, itu pun tidak mengapa.

Yang susah apabila mendapat jiran yang selalu buat hal. Entah apa penyakitnya, suka membuat orang lain tidak senang.

Laman rumahnya bersemak-samun sehingga mungkin menjadi tempat pembiakan nyamuk. Ditambah pula suka membuat bising tidak mengenal waktu. Sudah tentu kita semua akan rimas dan serba salah.

Apabila ditegur, dia tidak berubah. Silap-silap kita pula diajak bertumbuk.

Bukan dia sahaja yang menyusahkan, seluruh keluarganya pun sama. Anak-anak bukan main nakal, suka mengganggu rakan sebaya. Emaknya pula bermulut jahat, suka mengata sana-sini. Tidak boleh tengok orang lain lebih sedikit, dinaikkan pula hantaran menyindir di media sosial.

Lama-kelamaan, seluruh kejiranan bengang dan terganggu dengan perangai jiran seperti ini sehingga masalah itu terpaksa dibawa ke mesyuarat persatuan penduduk, malah memerlukan campur tangan ketua masyarakat atau pihak berkuasa.

Tetapi masalah tetap tidak selesai. Dia masih tidak berubah.

Apabila ada pihak datang sebagai wakil pendamai untuk memujuk, pandai pula dia mengajar orang lain. Disuruhnya kita bersabar. Katanya, hidup berjiran perlu ada toleransi.

Kemudian dia merengek dan berlakon menjadi mangsa. Orang lain semuanya salah, dia sahaja yang betul. Disebut-sebut dan diungkit-ungkit pula apa yang sudah dilakukannya selama ini. Kononnya dia juga ada jasa di kawasan kejiranan.

Ini bukan cerita rekaan.

Kalau kita tinggal di kampung, rumah pangsa rakyat atau taman perumahan, memang ada orang jenis begini. Kadang-kadang kita pun tidak faham bagaimana orang seperti mereka boleh wujud di muka bumi ini.

Ketika orang lain sepakat dan boleh hidup aman, dia muncul mengocak ketenangan. Apa kepuasan yang dia dapat, kita pun tidak boleh hendak hadam.

Takkanlah tidak tahu bahawa dalam beragama memang ada bab adab hidup berjiran. Kita dituntut supaya menghormati jiran, menjaga hubungan baik dan tidak menyusahkan orang lain.

Tetapi hubungan baik sepatutnya berjalan dua hala. Tidak bolehlah seorang jiran sentiasa diminta bersabar sedangkan jiran yang menyebabkan masalah sewenang-wenangnya melakukan apa sahaja yang dia suka.

Hal-hal mudah pun sepatutnya kita boleh fikir sendiri.

Jangan halang pintu keluar masuk rumah jiran dengan kereta kita. Jangan biarkan haiwan peliharaan membuang najis merata-rata di atas jalan atau di rumah jiran.

Pada musim perayaan, kalau boleh elakkan membakar mercun apabila sudah masuk waktu tidur. Ada anak kecil dan orang tua yang tidak sihat, pasti mereka akan terkejut.

Jangan pula bakar sampah sehingga asap masuk ke rumah jiran.

Ini semua perkara yang kita boleh fikir sendiri.

Tetapi nanti sekejap.

Bagaimana kalau mereka sebenarnya tahu perbuatan itu menyusahkan orang lain, tetapi tidak mempedulikannya?

Lebih teruk lagi jika mereka mendapat keuntungan daripada perbuatan itu, sedangkan orang lain terpaksa menanggung akibatnya.

Ini bukan lagi soal kesedaran atau common sense. Ini sudah masuk soal tanggungjawab.

Rasulullah SAW bersabda, maksudnya:

“Demi Allah, tidak beriman! Demi Allah, tidak beriman! Demi Allah, tidak beriman!”

Apabila ditanya siapakah orang itu, Baginda menjawab:

“Orang yang jirannya tidak berasa aman daripada gangguannya.”

(Riwayat al-Bukhari, no. 6016)

Apabila dikatakan jiran, ia jelas tidak terbatas kepada kaum dan agama. Jiran ialah mereka yang paling dekat di sekeliling kita, yang bersama-sama menjadi sebahagian daripada sesebuah kelompok atau komuniti.

Begitulah Islam mementingkan kesejahteraan jiran tetangga. Kita dituntut berbuat baik kepada jiran walaupun berbeza warna kulit dan kepercayaan.

Tetapi watak pengacau tetap ada.

Bukan di rumah sahaja. Di dalam bilik darjah, pasti ada seorang watak pengacau atau kaki buli. Di pejabat pula ada kaki mengadu domba.

Malah, di peringkat dunia pun ada negara yang kita panggil jiran tetapi suka buat hal.

Tiap-tiap tahun rumah kita dimasuki asap gara-gara jiran membuat pembakaran “di halamannya”. Kita dan jiran-jiran lain sudah puas mengeluh, tetapi dia tidak peduli.

Apa kita hendak buat dengan mereka?

Sikap tidak mempedulikan pihak lain ini cukup membuatkan kita tertekan. Kita bingung dan mati kutu. Sampai bilakah keadaan ini akan berterusan? Bilakah pula mereka akan sedar dan berubah?

Maka, setelah puas mengeluh, ayuhlah kita berdoa kepada tuhan agar pintu akal mereka terbuka dan mereka menjadi lebih bijak sedikit.

Berdoalah sungguh-sungguh sebelum terlambat. Sebelum keamanan dan kesihatan kita musnah.

Bukan apa.

Saya sudah bosan dengan jerebu ini.

Tolonglah, wahai jiran!

Bebaskan kami daripada kekaburan yang melemaskan paru-paru ini.

Kami semakin tidak tahan! - FMT

Artikel ini adalah pandangan penulis dan tidak semestinya mewakili MMKtT

Two decades of building the people who build Malaysia

 From universities to high-tech chip labs, Khazanah continues to raise Malaysia's economic floor and give more Malaysians a meaningful chance to move upwards.

K-Youth is one of several Khazanah initiatives aimed at nurturing the next generation of Malaysian talent in diverse fields.

PETALING JAYA:

Malaysia’s progress is usually measured in headline figures: GDP growth, foreign direct investment and global competitiveness. In June 2026, the country climbed eight places to 15th in the IMD World Competitiveness Ranking, underscoring its growing global standing.

Yet headline indicators do not always reflect the lived reality of Malaysians. While the economy continues to grow and attract investment, many still face challenges in securing quality jobs, progressing to higher incomes and moving up the economic ladder.

One manifestation of the challenge is graduate underemployment. A degree or vocational qualification does not automatically lead to a suitable job or higher income, leaving many young Malaysians struggling to secure opportunities that match their qualifications and aspirations. 

Under the Ekonomi Madani framework, “raising the floor” is therefore not simply about getting more people into jobs, but ensuring those jobs offer better wages, greater security and a clearer path upwards.

“If productivity is soaring and companies are making billions in profits, but workers are still earning RM1,700, then we have not raised the floor,” Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim said in late September. 

Budget 2027 responds by raising the minimum wage to RM2,000 from June 2027 and setting RM2,500 as the starting wage for graduates and semi-skilled jobs. But wage measures must be matched by pathways that help young people secure and sustain quality employment.

For Malaysia’s sovereign wealth fund, Khazanah, national progress is therefore not measured by financial returns alone. Its work runs on two fronts: strengthening strategic sectors and Malaysian companies to raise the ceiling of the economy, while building the capabilities, businesses and talent that raise the floor for the rakyat.

“Khazanah’s unique mandate enables us to deliver sustainable commercial returns while advancing Malaysia’s developmental priorities. These objectives reinforce each other: strong investments allow us to recycle capital into strategic sectors, talent and enterprise development, creating long-term economic value and broader opportunities for Malaysians.

Amirul Feisal Wan Zahir

“As we catalyse priority ecosystems and strengthen the economy, we must deepen the talent pools that will sustain their growth. This means building capabilities in tandem with investment, so that Malaysians are equipped to participate in, lead and benefit from the industries of the future,”, said Khazanah Nasional Berhad managing director Amirul Feisal Wan Zahir.

Moving up the career ladder

Khazanah’s talent development efforts span different stages of a Malaysian’s career. 

The Khazanah graduate trainee programme helps fresh graduates build strong professional foundations through structured training and on-the-job experience, while its residency programme gives Malaysian professionals and creative practitioners access to specialised learning, international perspectives and professional networks that can benefit their respective fields at home.

At a broader level, K-Youth addresses the mismatch between the qualifications young Malaysians acquire and the skills, experience and industry exposure employers require. 

Khazanah’s employability and talent development programme works with industry to provide job-specific training, practical workplace experience and pathways into employment in high-growth sectors such as semiconductors, aviation and digital technology.

Under its Accelerate track, 85% of participants secured jobs within three months of completing the programme in 2025, while 81% remained employed in 2026. 

Three-quarters of trainees come from B40 households, and half of those surveyed now earn between RM3,000 and RM4,000 a month. Since 2023, more than 35,000 young Malaysians have benefited from Khazanah’s programmes, complementing the government’s Bakat Madani initiative.

Talent development, however, must be matched by companies able to create quality jobs. Entrepreneurs and mid-tier firms need more than financing to grow, innovate and compete; they also require the capabilities, networks and expertise to scale. 

Through Dana Impak, Khazanah combines capital with capacity building to strengthen enterprises, develop Malaysian capabilities and generate employment in strategic sectors.

Tailored initiatives such as the mid‑tier growth innovation programme and Elevate in collaboration with Securities Commission Malaysia, have supported 54 companies to strengthen their growth capabilities. 

Budget 2027 builds on this effort by expanding Dana Ciptawan, a fund for Bumiputera and Malaysian mid-tier companies, to RM250 million in collaboration with Teraju.

Upskilling Malaysians works best when there are high-value companies ready to employ them. Malaysian semiconductor design company SkyeChip shows how enterprise and talent development can reinforce each other. 

Supported by Dana Impak, it has built a team of more than 300 designers, invested substantially in research and development, and employed K-Youth trainees, demonstrating how stronger companies can create better opportunities while stronger talent enables those companies to grow.

These efforts are underpinned by a longer talent pipeline that begins well before a young Malaysian enters the workforce. Since 2006, Yayasan Khazanah has supported more than 1,700 scholars, 71.8% of whom are from Bumiputera backgrounds, pairing academic funding with leadership development, mentorship and industry attachments.

Raising the floor and raising the ceiling are mutually reinforcing: talent, enterprises, capital and institutions must work together so that Malaysia’s progress is felt in the everyday lives of the rakyat, and one opportunity creates the next.

“For more than two decades, Khazanah has believed that a nation’s greatest asset is its people. As Malaysia seeks to move into more knowledge-intensive, innovation-driven and higher-value activities, sustained investment in talent becomes a strategic imperative. 

“Our aim is not simply to prepare Malaysians for the jobs of today, but to equip them to create, lead and compete in the industries of tomorrow. 

“By building stronger talent pipelines, capabilities and institutions, we are helping to strengthen Malaysia’s competitiveness, deepen its economic complexity and create more pathways for Malaysians to succeed. 

“Ultimately, raising the floor and raising the ceiling begins with investing in the people who will build the nation’s future,” said Amirul Feisal. - FMT