SATURDAY JOKES - 340

 

Pantai Bersih Penang, Butterworth, Penang, Malaysia

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

 

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ….. Smiled and said, “He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week”.
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, “WOW~~That’s more than twice a week! ………. You could learn a lot from him”.
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, “That’s once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one”.
I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow”.
My condition has now been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a “Medium” and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven.
The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.
After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium.
“Well,” said Bill, “What did you find out?”
“I’ve got good news and bad news for you,” said the Medium.
“OK, what’s the good news?” Bill exclaimed.
“Well, there is a beautiful 36-hole golf course in Heaven, and you’ll have 24-hour access with your own personal caddy,” blurted out the Medium!!
“And the bad news?” asked Bill.
“You’re due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10.30 in the morning,” the Medium said!

A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said,

“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.

“Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great checkup.

Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favour 15 to 2.”

 

My pet mouse Elvis died today…
He was caught in a trap.

“Take it easy, Doc — you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”

 

“Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”

 

“Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

 

Why do men like to watch porno movies backward?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped.

What is a tiger?
A: A stri-ped!

Q: What did the lion say to her cubs when she taught them to hunt?
A: ‘Don’t go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.’

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Frustration with expat community in Mont Kiara boil over; “let’s just address them as immigrants”

 

AS A somehow follow up to the recent viral anti-Korean sentiment sparked by the behavior of some South Korean expatriates in the Mont Kiara enclave of Kuala Lumpur, a self-proclaimed corporate girl has mooted the labelling of expats who are rude and disrespectful to locals as simply “immigrants”.

The idea came about after she bumped into two European women (British judging from their accents) who “gave me the whole pandang atas bawah (look up and down) treatment before asking, ‘Do you live here? Are you local?’” when she visited her officemate’s place.

“Now I know people weren’t exaggerating when they said foreigners living in Mont Kiara pandang rendah (look down) at locals,” penned Fierasya (@fierasyaa) on Threads.

I haven’t even had my coffee yet this morning, so I got instantly irritable and replied right away, “Yes, I’m local. Malaysian. And you’re both immigrants from which country?”

Before they’re able to response, I quickly quipped, “oops, my friend’s here. Excuse me.” But I swear I noticed their facial expression change the moment I called them immigrants. And that’s what I found amusing about the whole encounter.

Before signing off, the irritated professional dropped another bombshell which somehow echoed DAP lawmaker Syerleena Abdul Rashid’s reminder in late August that “Mont Kiara isn’t owned by Koreans” and that “Malaysians shouldn’t compromise if they encounter any racist act”.

Funny how these immigrants, especially whites are comfortable questioning whether locals belong in their own neighbourhood but suddenly take offence when they’re reminded that they’re immigrants, too.

The audacity. Apparently, the label only sounds bad when it’s directed at them.

‘Mont Kiara was once Kampung Segambut Dalam’

Interestingly, the poster’s unpleasant morning encounter sparked a somehow widespread awareness as gauged from the 16.7K likes, 1.1K comments, 1.8K re-posts and 432 shares to her rant.

“Gonna start calling them immigrants now,” heeded one Stokin berlubang GD belah kanan (@majaghina_) with WSam (@wankenubi) seconding “please do”.

“Don’t use the word ‘expat’. Till Dooms Day comes, our professionals in Western countries will never be addressed as ‘expats’ but simply as immigrants,” asserted the commenter, alluding to a tit-for-tat treatment.

“Exactly. When I was stationed in Germany, they just didn’t believe I worked in a professional field. We’re treated as if we’re zero. Not all of them are like that yet most of them look at us up and down,” recounted a former Malaysian expat.

As calls were rife to normalise calling the Miont Kiara expat community “immigrants”, the poster earned herself the distinction for “not having been stuttered” but was able to put her foot down during the awkward encounter with unruly expats.

This was when one commenter made the call “to normalise calling Mont Kiara with its real name (which was) Kampung Segambut Dalam”.

‘And now I’ll call them immigrants at Kampung Segambut Dalam,” hailed another with one netizen reckoning “why changed the name to Mont Kiara when Segambut is more pleasant to hear”.

At the end of the day, a self-proclaimed Englishman living and working remotely in Kuala Lumpur somehow concurred with the poster that rude expats deserve to be chastised as “immigrants”.

“I’m an immigrant married to a local and I hate the behaviour of people in neighbourhoods like this which is why I would never live in them,” confessed one Darren Cronian (@remotedarren).

“I’m really surprised that people behave this way in a foreign country but honestly nothing surprises me anymore.” 

- Focus Malaysia

Seven candidates, seven seats: DAP’s Melaka game plan

 

Election Commission personnel prepare for nominations at the Dewan Tun Ali nomination centre ahead of the 16th Melaka State Election. — Bernama pic

MELAKA, Oct 31 — DAP aims to defend the four seats it currently holds in the 16th Melaka State Election, namely Kesidang, Kota Laksamana, Bandar Hilir and Ayer Keroh.

DAP National Election Director Wong Kah Woh said the party was also eyeing three additional seats allocated to it by Pakatan Harapan (PH), namely Gadek, Duyong and Pengkalan Batu.

The Deputy Education Minister said DAP’s nationwide election machinery would be deployed in phases to assist the party’s seven candidates, with the campaign coordinated by Melaka DAP chairman Khoo Poay Tiong.

“We will do our utmost not only to retain the four seats we won in the previous state election but also to win more this time,” he told reporters here today.

He told reporters this after officiating at the launch of the DAP Kota Laksamana state constituency election operations room, which was also attended by DAP Central Executive Committee member Lim Hui Ying, Khoo, and the party’s Kota Laksamana candidate Low Chee Leong.

Wong said DAP would keep its state-poll campaign positive, focusing on candidates’ performance and service records rather than playing up racial and religious issues.

“We will also highlight Pakatan Harapan’s record of administration at both state and federal levels as one of the foundations for earning voters’ trust,” he said.

He noted that voters in Melaka were increasingly mature in their ability to assess candidates who could represent them and champion their constituencies’ interests.

The Election Commission has set tomorrow as nomination day for the Melaka state election, with polling scheduled for November 14 and early voting on November 10.

For the latest updates on the 16th Melaka State Election, visit https://election.bernama.com/prn/melaka/2026/. — Bernama

Nomination day is here: Melaka’s 14-day campaign starts today

 

Election Commission personnel prepare for the 16th Melaka State Election nomination process, which begins at 9 am at Dewan Tun Ali in Bukit Katil on October 31, 2026. — Bernama pic

MELAKA, Oct 31 — The 16th Melaka State Election officially begins today, with the nomination process taking place simultaneously at 28 nomination centres across the state from 9 am.

Prospective candidates have until 10 am to submit their nomination papers to the Election Returning Officers before the list of eligible candidates is officially announced.

Following the announcement, the contest for the people’s mandate will enter a 14-day campaigning period, which runs until 11.59 pm on November 13, as stipulated by the Election Commission (EC).

The EC has set November 14 as polling day for the Melaka state election, with early voting scheduled for November 10.

It said 189 nomination forms had been purchased as of Thursday night, with 45 prospective candidates having paid their deposits.

EC statistics show that 687,697 people are eligible to vote in the state election, including 675,166 ordinary voters, 9,769 members of the armed forces and their spouses, and 2,762 police personnel.

The Malaysian Meteorological Department has forecast clear skies across the state in the morning, setting the scene for a lively nomination day.

The Melaka State Legislative Assembly was officially dissolved with effect from September 23 following the consent of Melaka Yang di-Pertua Negeri Tun Mohd Ali Rustam.

In the 2021 Melaka state election, Barisan Nasional secured 21 of the 28 seats, allowing it to form the state government, while Pakatan Harapan won five seats and Perikatan Nasional took two. — Bernama

Negri Sembilan assembly meeting awaits royal nod

 

Heritage on show: Ismail (centre) officiating at Perpatih Fest 2026 in Seremban. The three-day festival features demonstrations of traditional luak customs, traditional games, museum and ethnic exhibitions, heritage cuisine and cultural performances. — Bernama

SEREMBAN: The Negri Sembilan government is seeking the consent of Yang di-Pertuan Besar Tuanku Muhriz Tuanku Munawir for the proposed dates of the next State Legislative Assembly meeting.

Mentri Besar Datuk Ismail Lasim said it was scheduled to take place over five days from Nov 26, subject to royal consent.

“We are working to obtain consent, but the plan remains as previously announced, which is to hold a five-day sitting.

“We will see how it goes,” he told reporters after officiating at Perpatih Fest 2026, themed Adat Dijaga, Warisan Terpelihara, here yesterday.

On claims that the state assembly could automatically dissolve if it did not convene by February next year, Ismail said the matter required careful examination of the relevant provisions under the state constitution.

On a separate matter, Ismail said the state’s Adat Perpatih, a matrilineal customary system practised in Negri Sembilan, must be preserved.

He said the customary laws should be systematically documented and preserved through digital technology, academic publications and heritage education to ensure the state’s cultural traditions are passed on to future generations.

He added that safeguarding this heritage was not solely the responsibility of customary institutions and museums, but also required the involvement of communities, educational institutions and government agencies.

“Knowledge of the customs, oral histories and traditional practices must be documented for future generations and made more accessible through interactive exhibitions to help the public better understand this heritage.

“Adat Perpatih is more than a set of inherited customs, as it embodies a philosophy of life that emphasises consensus, consultation, justice and shared responsibility,” he said, Bernama reported.

Ismail said the customary laws and cultural traditions of other communities could also boost the state’s economy by drawing tourists through traditional cuisine, performing arts, handicrafts and local history.

He said the state aimed to strengthen its cultural heritage as a tourism product to attract visitors while creating economic opportunities for local entrepreneurs in conjunction with Visit Negri Sembilan Year 2026. - Star