THURSDAY JOKES - 314

 

Kampong Penarik, Kuala Terengganu, Terengganu, Malaysia

Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, “We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to this academy, who killed Jesus?” The Jewish guy says “The Romans did it.” The Captain says, “Right, you’re admitted.”

The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same thing. “We have to ask you one question first before you’re admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?” The Italian guy says “The Romans did it.”The Captain says, “Right, you’re admitted.”

The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question. The Polish guy says “Gee, I don’t know.” The Captain tells him to go home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him. The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the academy, and he says to her, “You won’t believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to a murder case!”

 

“Brutus was at a buffet.

When he took a roll, Julius Caesar said, ‘Eat two, Brute.’”

 

A couple had been married 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows. They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. She wasn’t going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.
One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with her dress.
She replied, “Silver.”
At that point, her husband chimed in, “Yep, silver… to match her hair.”
Shooting a glaring look at his bald spot, her friend shot back, “So I guess you’re going barefoot.”

 

Darnell Madison, 37, was shot and killed in July in Alabama, when he burst into a motel room intending to rob the seven men whom he had seen with a lot of money. He was unaware they were armed police officers working on another case.

 

A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.”

The man says, “I didn’t know dogs can talk.”

The horse says, “Me neither!”

 

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me!

 

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait, Wait! There’s more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

 

Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. “My floppy drive won’t work; can you help me ?” she asked.

I told her I’d take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5″ floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
“Oh, you mean the condom!”, she said.

“Condom???”, I asked.
“Yes, John and Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses.”

By this point, John and Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The “condom” turned out to be a standard 3.5″ plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn’t do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):
“Does that mean I don’t have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???”

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Ramasamy backs Muhyiddin, hails Bersatu’s strategic role in enabling PN engage non-Muslims

 

THAT Bersatu being part of the opposition Perikatan Nasional (PN) coalition does not mean that the party should be submissive to the more dominant PAS.

PAS might have more electoral seats than Bersatu but it remains largely a regional party without a strong national posture.

Bersatu needs PAS as much as PAS needs Bersatu. Only with Bersatu in the PN coalition is there a real possibility of PN capturing national  political power.

With the majority of Malays on the side of PN, what is still needed is the support of the Chinese and Indians.

Without non-Malay support, it would be near impossible for PN to capture national power. In this regard, the role of Bersatu is more than important.

Despite the internal rift in Bersatu leading to the ouster of its former deputy president Datuk Seri Hamzah Zainudin, the party remains largely intact under the leadership of Muhyiddin Yassin.

Bersatu president Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin

PAS needs Bersatu to engage non-Muslims

It was on the basis of Bersatu’s potential national role within PN that the party recently submitted a list of nominees for six state chairmanships.

These states are Penang, Selangor, Perak, Negeri Sembilan, Johor and Sabah. The submission of this list to PN chairman Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Samsuri Mokhtar is perceived by analysts as a move by Muhyiddin to position Bersatu for a larger future role.

PAS might be content with the split in Bersatu but the Islamist party knows that it depends on Bersatu for both Malay as well as non-Malay votes.

While the Chinese and Indians might not be comfortable with PAS, they are unlikely to have the same reservations about Muhyiddin.

In essence, Muhyiddin is a power broker that PAS cannot do without. The recent formation of the loose coalition Ikatan Prihatin Rakyat (IPR) appears to augur well for Muhyiddin’s leadership.

By bringing together smaller Malay and non-Malay political parties such as the United Rights of Malaysian Party (Urimai) and Malaysian Advancement Party (MAP), he has demonstrated that non-Malays have a place in the opposition coalition.

Unfortunately, PAS despite its Malay electoral strength has failed to earn the trust of non-Malays.

It is not too late. By giving proper recognition to Bersatu within the PN coalition, PAS may be able to fill this electoral gap.

Over the years, Muhyiddin – both in government and in opposition – has demonstrated that he is no pushover. Without Bersatu’s role, PN can forget about attaining national power.

From this perspective, it is hoped that PN as a whole will accept Bersatu’s nominations for the six state chairmanships mentioned.

It is not that Bersatu is being greedy but rather that a strategic recognition of what needs to be done for the future must be acknowledged. 

Former DAP stalwart and Penang deputy chief minister II Prof Ramasamy Palanisamy is chairman of the United Rights of Malaysian Party (Urimai) interim council.

The views expressed are solely of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of  MMKtT.

- Focus Malaysia.

Firdaus Wong has bone to pick with Tiong over free-flow beer “amid display of nation’s coat of arms”

 

TOURISM, Arts and Culture Minister Datuk Seri Tiong King Sing has again been accused of getting his ministry involved in an event where free flow of beer was available.

This follows the question raised by Muslim convert preacher Firdaus Wong Wai Hung as to whether “a ministerial event such as that by the Tourism, Arts and Culture Ministry (MOTAC) which displays the nation’s coat of arms can serve alcohol”.

The event in question is the “MOTAC Pre-Gawai programme @ N69 Kemena Community” which was held last Friday (April 24) at the Dinner World Restaurant in Bintulu which happens to be Tiong’s parliamentary constituency.

“PMX had reprimanded last year’s Global Travel Meet gala dinner that was said to be a self-funded official event for serving alcohol even though there was a MOTAC logo on display,” jibed the Multiracial Reverted Muslims (MRM) founder in a recent Facebook post.

Every race and religion has the right to practice their own beliefs. It doesn’t matter if they want to celebrate and drink whatever they want. Perhaps if there was no MOTAC logo, my question wouldn’t arise.

“Will TKS (Tiong) use the same excuse or a different one this time?

To recap, the Global Travel Meet gala dinner held on Oct 1 1ast year became a hot potato between the rightist fraternity and non-Muslims who deemed that a little leeway was justified given the event’s international stature.

Mediating in the controversy, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim has issued a stern warning to Tiong and MOTAC over the serving of alcohol at an official government event while stressing that it must never be repeated.

PMX further shot down MOTAC’s explanation that alcohol was served only after the official programme had concluded as unacceptable given the government maintains a firm and no exception policy against serving alcohol at official functions.

With reference to the pre-Gawai event, Tiong has stressed its importance in the effort to preserve and uphold the cultural heritage which is the unique identity of the Sarawak community

“The Gawai celebration is not only a tradition of the Dayak community but also a manifestation of gratitude and harmony within the community of various races,” the six-term lawmaker and Sarawak-based Progressive Democratic Party (PDP) president penned in a FB post.

Although the rightist fraternity sided with Firdaus that government-linked events must exempt alcoholic beverages at all cost, presumed Sarawakians took exception given “tuak (fermented rice wine from Sarawak) has been part and parcel of the Dayak tradition since time immemorial”.

“Muslims need not touch it … In Sarawak, all races can sit and drink together to various types of food and beverages, including pork and alcohol, but in the Peninsula, the thinking is different,” observed a commenter.

This was when another commenter shared that according to the latest governmental stance, alcohol is prohibited so long as “it’s a ministerial Gawai event” but such ruling does not apply to “community or private celebrations”.

So the solution for Tiong is simply not to display MOTAC logo or the nation’s code of arms (can replace with logo of  political party/ies or sponsors) in future events that involve free flow of beers, wine or liquor. –  Focus Malaysia