SATURDAY JOKES - 320

 

Palace of Justice, Putrajaya, Malaysia.

Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, “We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to this academy, who killed Jesus?” The Jewish guy says “The Romans did it.” The Captain says, “Right, you’re admitted.”

The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same thing. “We have to ask you one question first before you’re admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?” The Italian guy says “The Romans did it.”The Captain says, “Right, you’re admitted.”

The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question. The Polish guy says “Gee, I don’t know.” The Captain tells him to go home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him. The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the academy, and he says to her, “You won’t believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to a murder case!”

 

“Brutus was at a buffet.

When he took a roll, Julius Caesar said, ‘Eat two, Brute.’”

 

A couple had been married 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows. They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. She wasn’t going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.
One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with her dress.
She replied, “Silver.”
At that point, her husband chimed in, “Yep, silver… to match her hair.”
Shooting a glaring look at his bald spot, her friend shot back, “So I guess you’re going barefoot.”

 

Darnell Madison, 37, was shot and killed in July in Alabama, when he burst into a motel room intending to rob the seven men whom he had seen with a lot of money. He was unaware they were armed police officers working on another case.

 

A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.”

The man says, “I didn’t know dogs can talk.”

The horse says, “Me neither!”

 

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me!

 

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait, Wait! There’s more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

 

Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. “My floppy drive won’t work; can you help me ?” she asked.

I told her I’d take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5″ floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
“Oh, you mean the condom!”, she said.

“Condom???”, I asked.
“Yes, John and Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses.”

By this point, John and Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The “condom” turned out to be a standard 3.5″ plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn’t do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):
“Does that mean I don’t have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???”

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A rarity of Ah Long finding the tables turned against them; they get whacked for pursuing debts!

 

SUCH was not fiction but a real-life scene that took place in the ‘notorious’ Jinjang sub-urb in the Federal capital as depicted by Kepong MP Lim Lip Eng via a 19-second clip on social media.

Aptly entitled “ Loan Shark Gets Beaten”, the DAP lawmaker related that chaos erupted behind Wisma MCA Jinjang on Thursday (June 11) evening when a group of loan sharks who came to collect debts ended up getting beaten up instead.

“Police acted swiftly and have arrested 13 people. The case is still under investigation,” Lim penned in a post on X that has garnered 234.2K views at the time of writing. “It’s just like a drama but this is a real incident.”

Editor’s Note: Free Malaysia Today (FMT) reported that cops have since arrested 13 men over the violent altercation in Jinjang Utara following a dispute believed to be linked to debt collection.

Sentul police chief Basri Sagoni said police were deployed to the scene after a member of the public made a 999 call reporting the incident near a business premise.

“Preliminary investigations found that the incident is believed to have stemmed from a dispute over debt matters which escalated into a physical altercation involving several individuals which resulted in injuries to a victim,” he said in a statement yesterday (June 12).

Kepong MP Lim Lip Eng

Acting on intelligence and information gathered, police launched several raids across the city and detained 13 local men aged between 18 and 51 within 12 hours of the incident. Several of them have a history of criminal and drug-related offences.

All suspects have been remanded for seven days. The case is under investigation for armed rioting and assault with dangerous weapons.

The post by the four-term DAP lawmaker (two terms each as Segambut and Kepong MP) elicited many interesting comments with opposition-slant political and legal commentator Sid (@Solisidtor) implying that “it’s no longer safe to be Ah Long (local slang for loan sharks) these days ”.

One commenter hailed the “beating of Ah Long till they’re limp” but took a pot shot at DAP nevertheless.

“They impose interest charges are higher than Zionist Tel Aviv … (But) Ah Long’s licensing matters come under purview of KPKT (Housing and Local Government Ministry) helmed by a DAP minister (Nga Kor Ming).”

True enough, many netizens supported the need to teach loan sharks a lesson they will not forget “for taking advantage of the vulnerable” by blackmailing and splashing red paint at their victims’ home, among others.

At the end of the day, some peace-loving netizens struck the right chord by advising the public against taking law into one’s own hand but instead leave it to the relevant authorities to investigate and pursue the right legal channel.

“Whatever the cause, violence is not the solution,” they forewarned. 

 - Focus Malaysia

Kelindan lori ditahan samun kedai serbaneka akibat hutang

 Polis berkata suspek mengaku menyamun kerana berhutang dengan along dan individu lain.

Pemangku Ketua Polis Melaka Tengah Halim Abas berkata suspek ditahan di Solok Bukit Bayan, Bukit Katil kira-kira 3.30 petang Khamis lalu.

PETALING JAYA:

Seorang kelindan lori ditahan selepas menyamun beberapa kedai serbaneka 24 jam di Melaka Tengah untuk mendapatkan wang akibat dibelenggu hutang, termasuk along.

Pemangku Ketua Polis Melaka Tengah, Halim Abas, berkata suspek 27 tahun itu ditahan di Solok Bukit Bayan, Bukit Katil kira-kira 3.30 petang kelmarin.

Menurutnya, enam kes samun kedai serbaneka 24 jam di sekitar daerah itu membabitkan kerugian kira-kira RM1,500 selesai.

“Suspek berpura-pura menjadi pelanggan sebelum mengacukan pisau kepada pekerja dan memaksa mereka menyerahkan wang tunai, sebelum melarikan diri menggunakan motosikal yang diletakkan berhampiran premis,” katanya menurut Harian Metro.

Beliau berkata, suspek yang tiada rekod jenayah lampau dan negatif dadah, mengaku menyamun kerana berhutang dengan along serta individu lain.

Kes disiasat mengikut Seksyen 392/397 Kanun Keseksaan kerana melakukan samun dan samun menggunakan senjata, yang memperuntukkan hukuman penjara sehingga 14 tahun serta boleh didenda atau disebat, jika sabit kesalahan. - FMT

In landmark ruling, court rejects British woman’s bid to fast-track drug trial

 The Court of Appeal rules that magistrates must wait for the chemist’s report before transferring drug trafficking cases to the High Court.

The decision by the Court of Appeal was made by Justices Wong Kian Kheong, Hayatul Akmal Abdul Aziz and Meor Hashimi Abdul Hamid.

PUTRAJAYA:

A magistrate cannot transfer a drug trafficking case to the High Court before receiving a chemist’s report that confirms the identity and weight of the seized drugs, the Court of Appeal has ruled in a departure from earlier precedent.

The decision was made by Justice Wong Kian Kheong, sitting with Justices Hayatul Akmal Abdul Aziz and Meor Hashimi Abdul Hamid, in dismissing a British woman’s application for leave to appeal against the High Court’s refusal to revise a magistrate’s decision not to transfer her case.

The woman, Deishanei Ciara Hall, is charged with trafficking 19kg of cannabis at KLIA. She argued that the magistrate was required under the Dangerous Drugs Act 1952 to immediately transfer the case to the High Court.

However, Justice Wong, in a 31-page judgment released on Thursday, ruled that the Court of Appeal had no jurisdiction to hear the application as the High Court had merely declined to exercise its revisionary powers, and had not conducted a substantive revision.

In a departure from a ruling in a 2007 drugs case, the court held that a case is only exclusively triable in the High Court once a chemist’s report confirms the drug type and quantity fall under Section 39B of the Dangerous Drugs Act.

Wong said expert evidence is essential in determining jurisdiction and that without a chemist’s report, trial scheduling and court allocation could be affected.

He said the decision in the 2007 case, PP v Marwan Ismail, had failed to consider the statutory and practical role of the chemist’s report. He added that the Court of Appeal was therefore not bound to follow a previous legal principle if the earlier decision was made incorrectly against a statutory provision.

Wong said an accused person may lawfully remain in custody under the Dangerous Drugs Act pending completion of forensic analysis.

Hall was arrested in April 2025, and charged at the Sepang magistrates’ court. Her lawyers’ application to transfer the case to the High Court was rejected by the magistrate. Hall sought but failed to obtain a revision by the High Court, prompting Hall to seek leave to appeal to the Court of Appeal.

Deputy public prosecutor Abdul Malik Ayob, who objected to Hall’s application, argued that the appellate court lacked jurisdiction as the High Court had not exercised its revisionary powers.

Hall was represented by lawyers Michelle Tan, Isaac Hong and Michelle Liu. - FMT

Aminuddin: Negri Sembilan PH seat negotiations completed in record time

 

Aminuddin, who is also PKR vice-president, expressed satisfaction with the smooth allocation process, attributing it to strong cooperation and consensus among PH leaders. - NSTP/MUHAMMAD FATULHAZIM ADNAN

SEREMBAN: Pakatan Harapan (PH) in Negri Sembilan will contest all 36 state seats in the upcoming 16th state election on Aug 1.

Caretaker menteri besar and state PH chairman Datuk Seri Aminuddin Harun said seat allocations among the component parties have been finalised, with PKR contesting 16 seats, DAP taking 11, and Amanah the remaining nine.

Aminuddin, who is also PKR vice-president, expressed satisfaction with the smooth allocation process, attributing it to strong cooperation and consensus among PH leaders.

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"Alhamdulillah, the negotiations for the state seat allocations have been finalised. This has been the fastest and easiest seat-sharing process ahead of an election under my leadership.

"The three parties understand the situation, and their leaders are confident.

"Out of the 36 state seats contested, PKR will run in 16, DAP in 11, and Amanah in nine. This is the swiftest and easiest consensus we have ever achieved in allocating state seats," he said after launching the Negri Sembilan PH state election machinery campaign here last night.

The machinery launch was officiated by prime minister and PH chairman Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim. Also present were PH secretary-general Datuk Seri Saifuddin Nasution Ismail, DAP secretary-general Anthony Loke, and Amanah deputy president Datuk Seri Dr Mujahid Yusof Rawa.

Commenting on PKR's candidate lineup, Aminuddin said the list is being finalised and is expected to be settled soon.

"Insya-Allah, the candidate selection for PKR is being finalised. We have the names and will complete the process soon. For the other parties, their respective leaders will make the decision," he said.

On whether he will defend his Sikamat state seat or move to another constituency, Aminuddin said no decision has been made.

He left it to the PKR top leadership to determine where he would contest, noting that it remains part of the party's strategy to secure victory in the state election.

"Loke (Anthony) will defend the Chennah state seat, but I have not decided yet. I will contest, but the seat has not been fixed. I am waiting for a sign in my dreams," joked Aminuddin, who has led Negri Sembilan for eight years.

Earlier in his speech, Aminuddin reminded coalition leaders and machinery members not to sabotage the party if they are not selected as candidates.

The Negri Sembilan PKR state leadership council chairman urged everyone to accept the party's decisions and continue working hard to guarantee a PH victory.

"To all party members and the machinery, whatever name is chosen by the leadership, please do not betray them. Continue to support them, as this is a matter of political survival," he said. - NST