TUESDAY JOKES - 332

 

Merdeka theme - Bajau Sabah style

Tammy and Ann were shopping.

When they started to discuss their home lives, Tammy said, “Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”

“Why don’t you just leave him then ?” said Ann.

“Oh! Not yet.” Tammy replied, “I’d like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first!”

 

Want to hear a construction joke?

Oh, never mind, I am still working on that one!

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, “Daddy fell into the well last week…”

“My goodness!” the teacher exclaimed. “Is he alright?”

“He must be,” said the boy. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday!”

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks “Have you got the time?”
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.
“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out” – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice say something in Japanese. Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all,” says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake. “View recede ten,” Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs,” says the inventor. “But look at this,” and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with the thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books,” though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far,” says Jake.
“I’ve got to have this watch!” says the stranger.
“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready.”
“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than…”
“I’ll give you $5000 for it!
“But it’s just not….”

“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a cheque book. Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”

Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK,” he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

“Hey, wait a minute,” calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station and says “don’t forget your batteries!”

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV…

The 10 pm news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, ‘Do you think he’ll jump?’ Jack says, ‘You know what, I bet he will.’

The blonde replied, ‘Well, I bet he won’t.’ Jack placed 50 ringgit on the bar and said, ‘You’re on!’

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 50 ringgit to Jack, saying, ‘Fair’s fair… here’s your money.’

Jack replied, ‘I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.

‘The blonde replies, ‘I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.’

Jack took the money…

 

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

His wife got up, unplugged the television and threw out all the beer!

 

One day, Mom was cleaning junior’s room, and in the closet, she found a Playboy magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, ” Well, what should we do about this?”

Dad looked at her and said, “Well, I don’t think you should spank him!”

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. For more information or to order for Memo Plus Gold, please visit : https://oze.my

Is 101-year-old TunM a 69th Merdeka Day killerjoy or has Madani being ungrateful to elderly statesman?

 

THAT twice former Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad was left unsheltered under the little hazy sunny Putrajaya sky during the 69th Merdeka Day parade yesterday (Aug 31) has sparked a patriotic-themed cyber war between Madani backers and detractors.

“How dare they let TunM like that as if there is no place in the VIP stage? He had done so much for the nation and deserves to be celebrated more than the current PM. Very sad indeed,” decried Threader @cloudyspace__.

Such sentiment was seconded by caterer Faizan Dasuki (bos_katering) who, too, found it a tad absurd that the centenarian who had served the country for 22 years and 22 months was left “to sit by the fence with spectators”.

“It would be better if Tun is given a more comfortable seat considering his great service to the country,” sympathised the founder & director of Rasa Catering Group which serves royal and VVIP clientele.

“Moreover, he’s a senior citizen who’s already over 100 years old. What’s wrong with giving him a better seat?”

Added Shah AK (@mshahbak) in a somehow neutral tone:

Many felt sorry to see TunM sitting like that. He’s already over 100 years old wheelchair-bound after falling earlier this year and the weather is hot, too. It does look a bit difficult.

Some say he should be given a special place or a VIP seat on the stage as a twice former premier.”

“But there’re also those who praise him for choosing (or being forced) to sit with ordinary citizens by the roadside for this makes him look humble.

At his age, the important thing is that he still managed to attend and watch the Merdeka parade with the rakyat.

This was when mother of a teenage boy T A K Y A H (@nadiahisaa) who happened to be on-site claimed that “TunM upon his arrival was escorted into the fenced are with VVIP treatment”.

“No need to wait, queue and be crowded like others. Nobody was unruly to Tun. Nobody was impolite to Tun. Everything was calm when he arrived,” witnessed the entrepreneur who sells “seasonal car bonnet nasi lemak”.

“Maybe Tun chose to sit on his wheelchair and greet the people in a crowd like that. Don’t make slander posts like this. TunM’s service will be eternally remembered.  Chill OK everyone ”

Interestingly, a media statement by the Communications Department late yesterday did not offer much of help but in fact further fuelled anger between both factions of Madani and TunM loyalists.

An apparent TunM critic LagaCawan (@lagacawan) likened the elderly statesman to being a “Joykiller” by condensing/interpreting the statement by the National Day and Malayia Day 2026 Secretariat chairman Datuk Abdul Halim Hamzah as follows:

1. Since Madey (impolite moniker of TunM by his detractors) became PM for the second time in 2018, there has been no such practice of inviting former PMs (to attend national level Merdeka Day parade) automatically.

2. Can come if you want. Can be arranged if you apply.

3. Has Madey applied?

4. Madey was supposed to be overseas between Aug 28-31. Use public funds (our tax money).

5. PMX has approved.

6. Still want to come and be a Joykiller.

7. That’s all.

Even then, TunM loyalists insisted that on account of his deeds for the nation – that he is dubbed the “Faither of Modern Malaysia” or that Putrajaya is his legacvy – perhaps he deserves to be accorded automatic invitation pass to the Merdeka Day parade as “basic recognition and respect”.

“After all, PM8 Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin and PM9 Datuk Seri Ismail Sabri Yaakob are going up and down the court for corruption cases,” observed one commenter to an Astro Awani Threads post on the statement by Halim who is also the Communications Ministry’s secretary-general.

“Meanwhile, PM6 Datuk Seri Najib Razak is serving his jail sentence.” 

- Focus Malaysia

File police report if Pearl Hill dog attack was encouraged, says Penang vet dept

 The department says police can investigate allegations that the dog was prompted to attack another animal.

Screenshots of a viral video showing a man’s dog attacking a stray at Pearl Hill, and the injured animal after it was rescued.

PETALING JAYA:

Those who believe the dog involved in a fight with another animal at Pearl Hill in Tanjung Bungah, Penang, was encouraged by its owner to attack should lodge a police report, the state veterinary services department said today.

The department said it had reviewed the complaint and video footage submitted and determined that the incident involved a fight between two dogs.

It said no provision under the Animal Welfare Act 2015 clearly makes owners liable for their animals’ involvement in a fight or for failing to intervene.

However, it said action could be taken under Section 8 of the Minor Offences Act 1955 if a person was found to have encouraged or prompted a dog or other animal to attack, alarm or frighten another person or animal.

“If there are allegations or evidence that someone encouraged or prompted an animal to attack, the public is advised to lodge a police report,” it said in a statement.

It said this would allow the police to investigate and take appropriate action if an offence had been committed.

The department said it took all animal welfare complaints seriously and would act based on the facts, evidence and relevant provisions of the Animal Welfare Act.

A recent viral video showed a large dog, described online as a pit bull, attacking a smaller white stray dog at Pearl Hill while a man appeared to be holding its leash.

The Penang Island City Council seized the dog after receiving a complaint and referred the matter to the veterinary services department for further action.

The stray dog, known to locals as Tim, was taken to a veterinary clinic for treatment. - FMT

Asian Games: age no barrier to success for Pandelela — Tze Liang

 

(FILE): Age is no barrier for national diver Datuk Pandelela Rinong to challenge for honours at the Aichi-Nagoya 2026 Asian Games, with her wealth of experience among her main strengths, according to her coach. — NSTP FILE PIC

KUALA LUMPUR: Age is no barrier for national diver Datuk Pandelela Rinong to challenge for honours at the Aichi-Nagoya 2026 Asian Games, with her wealth of experience among her main strengths, according to her coach.

Ooi Tze Liang said Pandelela still showed hunger for success and could deliver her best performance at the Games if her physical fitness was at the optimal level.

"In terms of experience, I am very confident. Now we need to maintain her physical condition and preparations to improve her performance at the Asian Games.

"This time, we will have a training camp in China and we are confident it will improve her physical, mental and overall condition. We will help and work with her as much as we can to improve her performance," he said when met recently.

Pandelela, 33, is the most experienced diver in the national squad and will compete in the women's 10-metre platform event at the Games, which will be held from Sept 19 to Oct 4.

"The motivation is always there for every athlete who wants to go to the Asian Games. We need to trust the process, be consistent and have confidence. That is the most important thing.

"I understand her better because I have fought alongside her. I have known her since she was nine or 10 years old, and now I am her coach. I know what she needs and how I can provide the right kind of assistance," said Tze Liang, a former national diver.

He urged Pandelela not to dwell too much on negative opinions from outsiders, including comments on social media questioning her age.

"As a professional athlete, she needs to have the wisdom to deal with this kind of situation.

"Focus on the present and what needs to be done. Let the rest go, because it is beyond her control," he said.

Tze Liang said Pandelela could also have a positive influence on the younger athletes who are also preparing for the Asian Games.

Besides Pandelela, Nur Eilisha Rania Muhammad Abrar Raj will also compete in the women's 10m platform event, while Yong Rui Jie will compete in the men's 3m springboard event.

Eilisha Rania and Rui Jie will be making their Asian Games debuts, making Pandelela's experience an important asset in the squad's preparations.

For Tze Liang, his main target is not solely about winning medals, but ensuring his athletes maintain consistency in training and show progress from day to day.

"My target is consistency in training. I want what we do every day to be repeated and for there to be progression.

"If there is consistency, I believe there must be a bonus," he said. — BERNAMA