SUNDAY JOKES - 342

 

Beautiful view fromTrig Hill Steamboat Restaurant, Sandakan, Sabah, Malaysia.

A middle-aged man goes into the doctor’s office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man’s wife alone and says, “There is nothing that matters with your husband. If you make him a couple of meals a day and let him watch his favourite sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to his in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he’ll probably live another 20 years.”
She returns to her husband’s side in the waiting room. He asks, “What did the doctor tell you?”

“You are dying, my dear!”

 

I came home from work last night exhausted.

I said to my wife, “I need my glasses checked. I’m so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death.”

Perplexed, the wife asked, “What’s being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death?”

“I couldn’t tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work the whole time!”

You must be a doctor!

You just cured my erectile dysfunction!

 

Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there were two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, “What’s wrong?”
He says, “One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.”
The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.” He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, “What’s wrong?”

The first guy says, “Small world!”

 

Are you an archaeologist?

Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine!

 

One dismal rainy night in Sydney, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear-view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
‘Where to?’ he stammered.
‘Kings Cross,’ answered the woman.
‘You got it,’ he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, ‘Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?’
‘Well, madam,’ he answered, ‘I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.’
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,
‘Does this answer your question?’
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, ‘Got anything smaller?’

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV but the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he opened the door, there stood Grandma’s milkman. The milkman said, “Hello son, is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend!”

 

A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.
Yes, says the receptionist irritably.
Excuse me, says the woman, but I’m in a frightful hurry, could you check me out, please?

The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down. Not bad, he smiles, not bad at all!

Is your name winter?

Because you’ll be coming soon!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a “Truck Wedgie.”
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”

Husband throwing darts at his wife’s photo and not even a single throw hitting the target.
From another room the wife calls, “Honey, what are you doing?”

Husband: “MISSING YOU…”

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid fool!

 

Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Bystander: It’s a girl. She is my daughter.
Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father.
Bystander: I’m not. I’m her mother!

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Can BN(-PN) landslide victory after 4 state polls (Sarawak next) translate into national power?

 

AS EXPECTED and widely predicted, Barisan Nasional (BN) in an electoral alliance with Perikatan Nasional (PN) emerged victorious in the Melaka state election held on Saturday (Nov 14).

BN which scored a hattrick in the state polls (after Johor and Negeri Sembilan) won all 24 seats it contested while its electoral ally PN secured three seats – two for PAS and one for Wawasan.

Together, the two coalitions command a super-majority in the state assembly which gives them a strong mandate to govern Melaka.

The victory also sends a message to Prime Minister Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim whether he wants to proceed with the unnecessary Cabinet reshuffle or call for an early general election (before February 2028).

Pakatan Harapan (PH) which contested 24 seats managed to win only four – all through DAP which contested seven seats It appears that without the Rocket, the national ruling coalition would have ended up with zero seats.

Final 16th Melaka state election scoreboard (Source: China Press)

PKR’s string of misfortune

DAP retained its support in the two Chinese-majority constituencies and secured victories in two mixed constituencies.

Again, PKR – despite contesting the largest number of seats within PH at 10 – suffered a humiliating defeat by being completely wiped out.

Although Anwar is helms PKR, the party’s performance of not just in the Melaka state election but also in the earlier polls calls into question the continued relevance of the party in the country.

Amanah, meanwhile, lost its vice-president Adly Zahari’s Bukit Katil seat to PAS. The PAS splinter party is neither alive nor dead with a 7-0 drubbing.

So much for the leadership of Datuk Seri Mohamad Sabu who recently suggested to the civil society organisations to pressure the Madani government to extend house arrest for other convicted criminals.

Adly, the former chief minister and PH’s designated candidate for the Melaka chief ministership, suffered a particularly damaging personal defeat.

Bersatu which had earlier entered into an electoral arrangement with PH also suffered a major setback. It lost all four seats it contested while its three allies failed to secure another three seats.

It appears that confidence and supply agreement (CSA) between Bersatu and PH has not benefited the former in the form of electoral gains.

‘UMNO becomes even more relevant’

Overall, BN improved its electoral performance, particularly in constituencies that it had won with narrow majorities in the 2021 state election.

Its ability to consolidate support and secure victories in these marginal seats demonstrates that the party has successfully recovered some of its electoral strength.

It is an interesting research question that needs to be pondered is the remarkable comeback of UMNO when other political parties that participated in the national independence movement in other countries have just politically drifted away.

Melaka Chief Minister Datuk Seri Ab Rauf Yusoh (left) and UMNO president Datuk Seri Ahmad Zahid Hamidi

Is it the salience of ethnicity as result of the deep seated racial and religious nature of the society or something else that needs to be examined.

It is obvious that UMNO rather than fading seems more relevant than ever!

All in all, the Melaka state election represents another excruciating defeat for the PH coalition following its disappointing performances in Sabah, Johor and Negeri Sembilan.

In Sabah, the DAP was virtually wiped out of the electoral map. In Melaka, however, the party managed to retain some of its political clout.

It was always expected that the DAP would perform relatively well in Chinese-majority constituencies and – to some extent – in mixed constituencies.

The argument that there is no alternative to DAP, together with the recent political drama surrounding its secretary-general and former Cabinet minister Anthony Loke Siew Fook might have influenced Chinese voters to continue supporting the party.

Nevertheless, DAP appears to be a party that is currently “burning the brightest” before potentially fading from the Malaysian political scene. Its electoral survival in Melaka should not be mistaken for a recovery of PH’s overall political fortunes.

BN-PN pact now a formidable force

The outcome of the Melaka state election provides a clear indication of the changing direction of electoral politics in the country. It suggests that the political landscape is increasingly moving towards a contest between BN-PN and a beleaguered PH coalition.

It will be increasingly difficult for PMX to withstand the political pressure for an early dissolution of Parliament and the calling of the 16th General Election (GE16).

The Melaka polls results have exposed the vulnerability of the PH-led federal government and raised serious questions about its ability to retain power at the national level.

PH can no longer take for granted the support of its traditional constituencies, particularly when its partners are increasingly struggling to maintain their electoral relevance.

DAP’s limited success in Melaka cannot compensate for the broader electoral setbacks suffered by the coalition.

Five candidates with the highest vote count (Source: The Vocket)

With its victory in Melaka, the BN-PN political alliance has gained considerable momentum. There is now little to prevent this emerging electoral force from taking on PH at the national level.

The Melaka election may well be remembered as a turning point in Malaysian politics, signalling the possible end of PH’s electoral dominance and the emergence of a formidable BN-PN challenge in the next general election.

Anyway, can the stellar electoral performance of the BN-PN combine at the state level translate for the achievement of national power?

If political power at the state level can be translated to federal power, then it possible to speak of the demise of the one-term PH coalition in power.

Whether Anwar can go on for the second term remains a big question mark but nonetheless he would have achieved his dream of becoming Malaysia’s PM during his lifetime.

Editor’s Note: He waited 24 years following his sacking and arrest by twice former premier Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad in 1998.

It is really unfortunate that he seems to reject the politics of ethnic dominance at a time his hold on power remains rather tenuous! 

Former DAP stalwart and ex-Penang deputy chief minister II Prof Ramasamy Palanisamy is chairman of the United Rights of Malaysian Party (Urimai) interim council.

The views expressed are solely of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of  MMKtT

- Focus Malaysia.

Bersatu masih bergelut, perlu perubahan drastik, kata penganalisis

 Tawfik Yaakub berkata keputusan buruk pada PRN Melaka turut memberi isyarat berkait keperluan perubahan berkait kepimpinannya.

Mazlan Ali berkata Bersatu pimpinan Muhyiddin Yassin masih belum pulih daripada perpecahan dalaman sebelum ini.

PETALING JAYA:

Bersatu perlu melakukan perubahan drastik dan memperkukuh semula organisasinya selepas kekalahan dalam tiga PRN berturut-turut, yang menunjukkan parti itu masih bergelut memulihkan pengaruh serta sokongan pengundi, kata penganalisis.

Tawfik Yaakub.

Tawfik Yaakub dari Universiti Malaya berkata kekalahan Bersatu di semua tujuh kerusi ditandinginya pada PRN Melaka menggambarkan kemerosotan politik parti itu yang amat serius sejak penubuhannya.

Menurutnya, keputusan PRN Johor, Negeri Sembilan dan terbaru Melaka memberi isyarat Bersatu semakin kehilangan pengaruh dalam kalangan pengundi Melayu.

“Bersatu sudah tidak relevan dan ditolak oleh orang Melayu,” katanya kepada FMT.

Pada PRN Melaka, Bersatu gagal memenangi semua tujuh kerusi ditandinginya, termasuk Bemban dan Sungai Udang yang dimenangi parti itu pada 2021.

Kekalahan itu menyusuli nasib sama pada PRN Johor dan Negeri Sembilan, menjadikan Melaka kekalahan menyeluruh ketiga berturut-turut bagi Bersatu.

Tawfik turut berpandangan rentetan kekalahan itu memberi isyarat berkait kepimpinan Presiden Bersatu Muhyiddin Yassin sekali gus memerlukan perubahan drastik segera jika parti itu mahu terus bertahan dalam arena politik negara.

Mazlan Ali dari Universiti Teknologi Malaysia (UTM) pula berkata Bersatu masih dalam proses pemulihan selepas mengalami perpecahan dalaman yang menyaksikan sebahagian pemimpin utama dan pertengahannya menyertai Parti Wawasan Negara (Wawasan).

Beliau berkata keadaan itu menyebabkan Bersatu memerlukan lebih masa untuk menyusun semula kekuatan dan memperkemas jentera pilihan rayanya sebelum mampu kembali bersaing dengan berkesan.

“Bersatu masih dalam proses pemulihan selepas perpecahan teruk, sebahagian kepimpinan utama dan pertengahan telah pergi ke Wawasan,” katanya merujuk kepada parti pimpinan bekas timbalan presiden Hamzah Zainudin.

Mazlan turut berpandangan ketiadaan kerjasama rasmi antara Bersatu dengan PH di Melaka menyebabkan pemindahan undi penyokong kedua-dua pihak tidak berlaku secara ketara.

Katanya, walaupun kerjasama antara kedua-dua pihak mula kelihatan di peringkat persekutuan dan Selangor, persefahaman sedemikian tidak diumumkan secara rasmi di Melaka.

“Kalau berlaku pun pemindahan undi itu sangat minimum. Begitu juga undi Bersatu kepada PH, kadarnya sangat rendah,” katanya. - FMT

Pesawat dari China dilencong ke LTSM akibat cuaca buruk

 Polis Kuala Terengganu berkata pesawat itu mendarat di LTSM selepas sejam berlegar di udara kerana tak dapat mendarat di KLIA.

Ketua Polis Kuala Terengganu Azli Mohd Noor berkata penerbangan Qingdao Airlines (QW907) yang membawa 207 penumpang dan anak kapal itu selamat mendarat di Lapangan Terbang Sultan Mahmud kira-kira 5.30 petang semalam. (Gambar Wikipedia)

PETALING JAYA:

Sebuah pesawat penerbangan dari China ke Kuala Lumpur terpaksa dilencongkan ke Kuala Terengganu petang semalam akibat cuaca buruk.

Ketua Polis Kuala Terengganu Azli Mohd Noor berkata pesawat Airbus A321neo itu sepatutnya mendarat di Lapangan Antarabangsa Kuala Lumpur (KLIA), namun terpaksa dilencongkan ke Lapangan Terbang Sultan Mahmud (LTSM).

Katanya, penerbangan Qingdao Airlines (QW907) yang membawa 207 penumpang dan anak kapal itu terpaksa dilencongkan ke LTSM selepas lebih sejam berlegar-legar di udara akibat cuaca buruk, lapor Bernama.

“Penerbangan tersebut dilaporkan selamat mendarat di LTSM kira-kira 5.30 petang semalam selepas turut tidak dapat dilencongkan ke Lapangan Antarabangsa Pulau Pinang (LTAAP) berikutan masalah kekurangan bahan api.

“Memandangkan LTSM tidak mempunyai perkhidmatan penyambungan semula bahan api, bekalan minyak bagi pesawat perlu diuruskan sama ada dari Kuantan, Pahang atau Kota Bharu, Kelantan,” katanya yang dipetik sebagai berkata. - FMT