TUESDAY JOKES - 328

 

RXZ Motorbike Event at Kuala Terengganu, Terengganu, Malaysia recently.

A cocky Federal Highway employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.”

The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t go in that field.”

The Highway employee said, “I have the authority of the Federal Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on this farmland.”

So, the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Federal Highway employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, “Show him your card!!”

 

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They both like a tight seal!

 

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “are there any alligators around here?!”
“Nay,” the man hollered back, “Aren’t been any for years!”
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, “How did you get rid of the alligators?”

“We didn’t do anything’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got them!”

 

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she had ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?”
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning, she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, “Well, thank you, ma’am. I’m really flattered. Aren’t nobody ever paid me for their services before.”

“Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit!”

 

“When the hockey season was suspended our Zamboni driver went missing.

We weren’t worried as we knew he would resurface!”

 

Where does Batman go to the bathroom?

The batroom!!!

 

Some of you might like to know what the Human Resource Department Manager is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations she keeps cranking out.

 

AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Reports to work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if the supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except the original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create a new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Polish men and one Polish woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two Australian men and one Australian woman
Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving – but at least the taxes are low and it’s not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both ‘bloody wankers’.
Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any!

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NZ Foreign Minister’s “balik Tongsan” controversy lauded to put DAP, Malaysian Chinese in their place

 

THE rightist fraternity has apparently hailed New Zealand Foreign Minister Winston Peters who recently faced backlash for characterising a China-born lawmaker as a “loudmouth” whom ​he urged to “go back to your own country” as “spot on” and reflective of the current situation in Malaysia.

Peters, the leader of the populist New Zealand First party, had made the remarks in response to heckling from Green Party MP Lawrence Xu-Nan who was born in the northern Chinese city of Tianjin but who grew up ​in East Auckland during a parliamentary debate on the NZ government’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic.

The remarks drew flak from fellow lawmakers, including Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, who criticised the “inappropriate attention-seeking comments” and not least a diplomatic protest from the Chinese ambassador Wang Xiaolong.

But while the Kiwis are admonishing Peters for his unkind remarks, rightists here seconded Peters as gauged from comments to a report on Peter’s tirade in the Sinar Harian Facebook page by drawing what is seemingly universal parallels of the Chinese behaviour/attitude.

3R breaches law

“Same attitude, different country” was their instant reaction with one cheeky commenter wondering “maybe NZ has started to feel what the Malays feel”.

“But NZ is luckier because there are no separate schools,” he jibed while another concurred with Peters that “they behave as if the land belongs to their father after being granted citizenship”.

One commenter cynically remarked that “Malaysia is ever prepared to promote such people to be ministers whereby they feel more entitled than the host ”.

Examples rendered to this include the Chinese “harbouring ambition “of seizing Malaysia to become a communist country”, “having no qualms behaving rudely to Malay rulers” or “sharing same traits with the Rohingya who will come to do business but once prosper, will readily climb over the host’s head”.

One cunning rightist challenged DAP as the deemed protector of Chinese interest in Malaysia by insinuating that the party should send a protest letter to rebuke Peters’ the way it has been infuriated by Kedah Menteri Besar Datuk Seri Muhammad Sanusi Md Nor’s statement that the “Chinese have China”.

Others relished at the prospect that “this must be a case whereby the NZ minister contended that New Zealanders only have New Zealand and it must be protected at all times. ”.

Quite a few rightists painted the scenario as one equivalent of the Malay proverb “seperti kaduk naik junjung. ” which simply means an upstart who forgets where they came from.

One even joked of a potential affiliation between the said China-born lawmaker with the likelihood of “maybe there’s a DAP branch in New Zealand ”.

In short, the rightist fraternity is rejoicing at the prospect that “the entire world has exposed who the Type C is when they got some power ”.

Last but not least, some commenters teased if the NZ Foreign Minister will be subject to 3R (race, religion, royalty) breaches law for racial incitement or would police reports be lodged against him. - Focus Malaysia

Five held, RM2.32mil illegal timber and machinery seized in raid

 

Five men were arrested after an illegal timber processing operation was uncovered at a factory in Sungai Embak here yesterday, leading to the seizure of machinery, equipment and timber worth RM2.32 million. - Pic courtesy of GOF

KUALA KRAI: Five men were arrested after an illegal timber processing operation was uncovered at a factory in Sungai Embak here yesterday, leading to the seizure of machinery, equipment and timber worth RM2.32 million.

General Operations Force Southeast Brigade commander Senior Assistant Commissioner Ahmad Radzi Hussain said the suspects, aged between 31 and 62, were detained during a raid by its Eighth Battalion.

He said the 3pm raid, conducted following public information, was assisted by the Machang District Forestry Office.

"Upon arrival at the factory, our team found a man operating a heavy Caterpillar machine to load timber onto a mototrailer, while four others were cutting timber using bandsaw machines.

"Checks at the premises uncovered 16,440 processed timber logs of various sizes and species, as well as 462 round logs, believed to be untaxed," he said.

Radzi said forestry officers who arrived at the scene confirmed that the timber was believed to be untaxed.

He said authorities seized a Caterpillar heavy machine, a mototrailer, two bandsaw machines, two cross-cut machines, a saw blade sharpening machine and 45 saw blades.

"The total value of the seized items is estimated at RM2.32 million.

"The five suspects and all seized items were handed over to the Machang District Forestry office for further action under Section 84 of the National Forestry Act 1984 (Act 313)," he said.

He said preliminary investigations found that one of the suspects, a 38-year-old man who claimed to be the factory owner, had started operating the premises in April.

"The man claimed that the premises were rented from a local man at RM4,000 a month.

"The suspect also claimed that the timber processed at the factory was supplied by residents.

"The timber was believed to have been untaxed, raising suspicion that the supply may have been sourced illegally," he said.

He said three of the workers were hired by the owner to process timber at a rate of RM40 per tonne, while another suspect was employed as a mototrailer driver for RM1,500 a month.

Ahmad Radzi said the processed timber was distributed to several wooden pallet processing factories in Kelantan as raw material for producing pallets and other wood-based products. - NST

Govt seeks wider gas supply options as Malaysia moves to boost energy security

 

On June 20, Petroliam Nasional Bhd (Petronas) signed several agreements with two Turkmenistan companies, including a Production Sharing Agreement (PSA) covering Offshore Blocks 19 and 20, as well as a Cooperation Agreement (CA) for a 2D seismic survey covering the northern offshore blocks. — Picture by Firdaus Latif

KUALA LUMPUR, Aug 4 — The government is prioritising Malaysia’s energy security by diversifying access to large-scale gas resources that could broaden supply options and enhance the country’s energy resilience.

The Economy Ministry said that amid uncertainty in global energy markets caused by geopolitical tensions, Malaysia remained focused on diversifying its energy supply sources to reduce reliance on any single country or market.

It said any imports of crude oil from any country, including Russia, must be carried out in accordance with international trade policies and legitimate commercial channels.

“This is subject to considerations including pricing, product specifications, logistics, payment methods, transportation, insurance, as well as prevailing laws and regulations,” the ministry stated on the Parliament’s website yesterday. 

The ministry was responding to Senator Mohd Hasbie Muda on whether the proposed 20-year crude oil, gas and diesel supply agreement with Russia, as well as Malaysia’s participation in gas field development in Turkmenistan, would deliver long-term benefits to the rakyat.

Regarding opportunities to develop gas fields in Turkmenistan, the ministry said such ventures would be assessed based on their commercial merits and potential contribution to diversifying Malaysia’s long-term gas supply.

On June 20, Petroliam Nasional Bhd (Petronas) signed several agreements with two Turkmenistan companies, including a Production Sharing Agreement (PSA) covering Offshore Blocks 19 and 20, as well as a Cooperation Agreement (CA) for a 2D seismic survey covering the northern offshore blocks.

Petronas said the agreements reflected a shared commitment to unlocking new opportunities, enhancing subsurface understanding and strengthening Turkmenistan’s position as a key contributor to regional and global energy supplies.

The ministry stated that the advantages of diversifying the country’s energy sources can be realised through three key areas. These include enhancing national energy security by ensuring long-term access to energy supplies and providing greater flexibility in managing fuel prices and subsidies as the range of supply options increases.

It said the strategy would also create opportunities for Malaysian oil and gas services companies to participate in international value chains, strengthen the country’s technical expertise and generate high-value jobs.

However, the ministry noted that the approach did not mean Malaysia would be fully insulated from fluctuations in global energy prices.

“Nevertheless, access to more diverse and competitive energy supply sources has the potential to support supply stability and reduce exposure to volatility in global energy markets.

“This will place Malaysia in a stronger position to safeguard the interests of the rakyat, industry and the national economy over the long term,” it added. — Bernama 

What is a ‘new born child’? Malaysia’s Court of Appeal clarifies citizenship laws for abandoned children

 

The Federal Constitution enables “new born” children who were found abandoned here to be Malaysian citizens, unless the presumption that their mother is a permanent resident is rebutted or proven otherwise. — Picture by Firdaus Latif

KUALA LUMPUR, Aug 4 — Did you know that Malaysia’s laws protect “new born” children that are found abandoned from becoming stateless persons, and enables them to have the right to automatically be Malaysians?

But what is a “new born child”?

The Court of Appeal recently told a woman (identified only as G for privacy purposes) that she was not a “new born” child when found abandoned at around 1am at a bus station in Mentakab, Pahang in December 1997.

A doctor who examined G at that time had estimated she was aged about one year old, while G’s adoptive Malaysian mother’s police report filed two days later said she was approximately one and a half years old when found.

G has since then been adopted and raised by her Malaysian adoptive parents in Malaysia, but the Malaysian government had rejected her citizenship application three times (with her third application in 2014 rejected nearly four years later in 2018).

Now aged 29, G, who does not know who her biological parents are, is still waiting to be recognised and declared as a Malaysian citizen.

Can all abandoned children be protected from statelessness by Section 19B?

Here’s why G lost her citizenship appeal at the Court of Appeal, based on Datuk Faizah Jamaludin’s 20-page full written judgment that was agreed on June 30 by the two other judges on the panel (panel chair Datuk Azhahari Kamal Ramli and Datuk Hayatul Akmal Abdul Aziz):

G had argued that she has the right to be a Malaysian citizen under the Federal Constitution, based on Section 19B of the Federal Constitution’s Part III of the Second Schedule.

Under Section 19B, “any new born child found exposed in any place” shall be presumed to have been born there to a mother who is a permanent resident there, and the date the child was found will be treated as the child’s date of birth.

The Court of Appeal agreed that Section 19B has an “important protective purpose” as it reduces the risk of statelessness for a new born child found abandoned, but said that this should be based on how the Federal Constitution was worded.

While agreeing that G was abandoned as a child, the court said Section 19B “does not apply to every abandoned child” as Section 19B also requires the child to also be “new born”.

The court said it cannot remove the “new born” requirement from Section 19B.

Boy waving the national flag in a park at Cheras,August 10,2022—Picture by Devan Manuel

How old does a child have to be to come under Section 19B’s protection from statelessness?

G argued that Section 19B’s “new born child” should be interpreted to include “a very young, abandoned child” who is unable to identify or communicate reliable information about the child’s place of birth or parents.

But the government argued that the words “new born child” should only cover a baby’s first 28 days of life, based on medical terminology.

Ultimately, the Court of Appeal did not specify how old a person should be to still be considered a “new born child” under Section 19B, but relied on the facts in the case when concluding that G was not a “new born child” when she was found.

“We do not consider it necessary in this appeal to adopt a fixed medical definition of ‘new born child’ for all constitutional purposes. It is sufficient to decide this appeal on its facts.

“A child who was about one year old, or one and a half years old according to the police report, cannot properly be described as a ‘new born child’ within Section 19B,” the judge said.

If a “new born child” in Section 19B was extended to cover a child of around one year old or one and a half years, the judge said this would enlarge the category of individuals covered by Section 19B beyond the words chosen by the Federal Constitution.

The judge had said that Section 19B had “chosen” the words “new born child”, which she described as “words of limitation”.

In other words, the phrase “new born child” would limit whether abandoned children could rely on Section 19B, based on their age.

“If Section 19B were intended to apply to every abandoned child irrespective of age, it would not have used those words,” the judge had said earlier in the judgment.

For G, the judge noted both the doctor’s one-year estimate and the one-and-a-half-year-old estimate in the police report, saying: “On either version, she was not a new born child when found.”

As for Section 19B’s provision treating the day of discovery as a child’s date of birth, the judge said this would apply for an abandoned new born child as the actual date of birth cannot be known with certainty, but not when there is already evidence to show that G had been born about one year earlier.

With G having argued that she should be a Malaysian citizen “by operation of law” or because of what the law says in the Federal Constitution, the judge said a person can only be a citizen by operation of law if they fulfil the Federal Constitution’s requirements.

“The court is not at liberty to add to, subtract from, or modify the constitutional qualifications. It cannot confer citizenship by sympathy or discretion,” the judge said earlier in the judgment.

The judge later also said the panel empathised with G’s difficult circumstances, but said citizenship by operation of law still requires constitutional requirements to be met.

In its judgment, the Court of Appeal made the observation that G still has the option of applying for Malaysian citizenship by naturalisation under the Federal Constitution’s Article 19, if the federal government is satisfied that she has met the requirements under Article 19.

As this decision was at the Court of Appeal stage, G can still try to pursue her appeal at the Federal Court, which is the highest court in Malaysia.

When contacted by Malay Mail, G’s lawyer Mohd Haijan Omar on July 30 confirmed that his client has filed for leave to appeal at the Federal Court.

The Court of Appeal said Section 19B could apply to a child found abandoned at the place they were born, and not just to those found at an open or physically exposed place. — Picture by Sayuti Zainudin

Another abandoned child gets citizenship in court ruling, but government is appealing

Separately, the same Court of Appeal panel in a 2-1 ruling on June 30 decided that M, a child who was abandoned by her mother a few days after being born at a Klang clinic, is entitled to be a Malaysian citizen by operation of law.

M has been cared for by her Malaysian adoptive parents who had registered her birth within nine days after her birth and has lived in Malaysia her whole life.

Unlike G’s case that was focused on whether she was a “new born child” when found abandoned, the 17-year-old M’s case was focused on whether she was “abandoned”.

In the 23-page majority judgment for that case sighted by Malay Mail, Faizah said the evidence showed M was a “new born child” under Section 19B as she was left at the clinic within a few days of birth.

“Nothing in the language of Section 19B, or in CCH, confines the provision only to a child discovered immediately upon delivery or within a matter of hours,” the judge said, referring to the Federal Court’s November 19, 2021 decision in the CCH citizenship case on a child abandoned after birth in a Kuala Lumpur hospital and who was adopted by Malaysian parents.

Faizah said the Federal Court’s CCH ruling recognised that Section 19B could include a child abandoned at the place of birth by an unknown biological mother, clarifying that CCH does not prevent Section 19B from applying to a new born child born in a clinic and also does not limit Section 19B to only “open or physically exposed” places.

Faizah concluded that the facts showed M was indeed “abandoned” as a new born child, which meant Section 19B applies to her, and that she has met the constitutional requirements to be a Malaysian since the government had failed to rebut the Section 19B presumption.

Those facts include the biological mother leaving the child behind at the clinic after birth; the biological mother (whose true identity and nationality is unknown) not leaving any details through which she could be identified or traced; and the biological father’s identity being unknown.

When contacted by Malay Mail, M’s lawyer Eric Toh Kah Yung on July 30 confirmed that the federal government has filed for leave to appeal at the Federal Court against the ruling that the child is a Malaysian. - malaymail