SUNDAY JOKES - 179

 

Semporna Jetty, Sabah, Malaysia

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball, they would run it in for a touchdown.
Then came the second half...
First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five-yard loss.
The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.
"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.
"I did," said the centipede.
Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five-yard loss.
Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede
Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten-yard loss.
Back in the huddle, the ant asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"

The centipede replied, "Putting on my shoes!"

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk!



My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.

I stopped drinking all fluid including water.

It was the end-game for me!

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. 

The first man to arrive was a stranger.
Did you misunderstand my announcement? 

This is a meeting of the board, said the minister.
Yes, I know, said the man.

If there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I would like to meet him!

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. 

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." 

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" 

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. 

With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend: "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The Company of Knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells: "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!!"

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months!



Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So, Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful naked women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God.
"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off he went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. 

It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
"Fine, Bill" retorted God, " as you desire." So, Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful naked women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was just the screen saver!"

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