When we think of learning, we think of the mind which in turn should remind us of what dictionary writer Samuel Johnson said: “There is nothing like a prison sentence to wonderfully concentrate the mind.”
So I wasn’t surprised our former prime minister is writing his PhD from Kajang Prison. But what made me curious was the topic of his thesis/dissertation.
Being curious, and without a clue, I speculated to no end, it being the spice of life in Malaysia, not variety.
And it did not help that for a long time now, I regarded our politicians as rivals to my long-cherished dream of being a stand-up comedian, a career which has been delayed by them opening their mouths just as I am ready to open mine in front of a microphone.
To give a date to the beginning of this delay, it was without a doubt July 16, 1981. But I will not be silenced any longer. I will put down on paper what I want to say to a live audience.
So let me start with an Asean joke that was making the rounds when corruption in our country was just a young bud and not a full-grown tree with many, many branches like now.
The 70s joke: Do your first degree in Corruption Studies in Malaysia; the Masters in Thailand, and the PhD in Indonesia. How things have changed! Now you can do all three in Malaysia!
So why not the following topic for our former PM’s thesis, done at taxpayer’s expense: “The Theory and Practice of Corruption By Mainstream Politicians Spanning The Era 1981 to 2023”.
But on second thought, this choice of topic poses many difficulties.
Who among our academics, kangkung professors included, is sufficiently knowledgeable, untainted by corruption or gutsy enough to supervise or peer review such a thesis especially if it is well-written and exposes nearly everyone who is in politics or is politically connected?
On that seldom discussed topic of corruption in academia, a sudden surge of professor madyas in the 80s meant only one thing: higher learning was being fast-tracked.
Many were experts in their field but having some knowledge is not the same as being able to impart it to others, making many students refer to a PhD as “Permanent head Damage”.
Choosing a topic
Is the audience still with me? The show must go on. So it is unlikely that our former PM has chosen the above-suggested topic.
Perhaps he has read the brilliant PhD thesis by Donna J Amoroso, “Traditionalism and the Ascendancy of the Malay Ruling Class in Colonial Malaya”, beating our former PM to writing something similarly useful. Besides, it would be too revealing, too self-incriminating!
In this original and perceptive work of real scholarship, Amoroso argues the Malay elites’ preeminent position after WWII had much to do with how British colonialism reshaped old customs and rituals to reinvent traditionalism for their ends but which the Malay aristocracy then usurped to achieve their vision of Merdeka.
So what can he be writing about, alone in the comfort of a VIP cell?
We must not for a minute suggest he write a PhD based on the headlines of Berita Harian and Utusan that tracked the BN manifesto starting from 1982 to 1999 as was done by Ahmad Zahid Hamidi in his thesis approved by the senate of UPM entitled “Barisan Nasional Manifesto As Agenda for Malay Language Newspaper During the General Election Campaign”. I kid you not!
When asked to comment on his singular achievement, I quote Zahid: “I hope this success will spur my political colleagues, especially the younger ones, to study to a higher level. If I can do it at the age of 55, the younger generation should feel challenged.”
He went on to explain that if the manifesto announced something good, it would translate into an increase in the number of seats won by BN. Wow!
Surely you can see now that our former PM has a problem. If he writes a PhD thesis that spills the beans, he will remain in Kajang for a very long time.
On the other hand, if he writes anything like the PhD of Zahid, he will spend the rest of his life rewriting and revising his thesis leaving little time to defend himself in court. Poor man! No wonder his lawyer has preempted us from his predicament.
So why not kill two birds with one stone by writing a self-explanatory book instead, titled: “My Life In The Courts of Malaysia”?
Then, like his good buddy of now DNAA fame, our former PM too can say in a similar vein, “If I can write a bestseller from prison, the younger generation too should enter politics, steal to glory, and end up in prison like me before writing their bestseller.”
Did I hear someone in the audience say his book should be titled, “The Great Gravy Train Robbery”? I say you are a bloody genius, whoever it is!
What? You are a PhD yourself? No? Do you mean it stands for Passed High School with Difficulty? You deserve a double PhD for that!
A round of applause for him, please! - Mkini
MURALE PILLAI is a former planter and now runs a logistics firm.
The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor and do not necessarily represent the views of MMKtT.
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