Now everyone can be a PhD, just like me!

 

Here’s a very interesting definition of what a PhD dissertation within the humanities field should be: “The scholar must produce a work that, in theory, other scholars in the field should not ignore, because it says something new”.

This isn’t from any university’s postgraduate faculty brochure, but rather the words of the late, great writer Umberto Eco. Given that Eco was also a professor and smarter than a few universities combined, I’d say it’s spot on.

I had always wanted to have a PhD and become a “Doctor”, as that’s easier than doing a medical degree. Things didn’t work out for me, but I do have a couple of family members on the way to being “Doctors” themselves, so it isn’t all bad.

I was once offered a PhD. Apparently a lot of my “lived” experiences, which basically means how big my job titles were and how useful I could be to that particular university, can go towards a PhD. All I needed then was a suitably written “dissertation”, and Adzhar’s a Doctor!

I could have just used ChatGPT or one of the other funnily-named apps – Alexa? Grok? Bong? Phlegm? –  to write my dissertation. I could then honestly swear the paper was written by AI. Nobody would need to know that “AI” here doesn’t stand for Adzhar Ibrahim.

I turned it down, because like Mark Twain (this piece is principally about dropping names), I don’t care to join a “club” that would admit me as a member. By the way, Mark Twain also didn’t have a PhD, maybe because they never found out his real name was Samuel Langhorne Clemens (the name dropping continues).

Nowadays it’s easy to get an advanced degree, especially a business-related one. You send out a mass of online surveys, plot the result using some vaguely mathematical terms (standard error, frequency distribution, etc), cite many obscure references (the more obscure the better), add a few thousand words plagiarised from social media, and you have your advanced degree.

Malaysian universities love giving out PhDs. Some even give them out by the hundreds every year. However, if one was to offer me a PhD now, I’d say give me two master’s and some university T-shirts instead.

Not many people know I’m associated with the globally famous Idontgoto University of Nowheresville. They’ve appointed me as a Random Professor in the Department of Unclear Physics. They earlier offered me an Adjunct Professorship, but I declined because that sounded very painful.

Apart from our university offering a regular PhD (B) – or Doctor Biasa – we also offer PhD (W) for Doctor Wira; PhD (Sr) for Doctor Seri; as well as PhD (St) for Doctor Setia. Then there’s PhD (Pl) – Doctor Pahlawan – and its close counterpart PhD (Pd), or Doctor Paduka.

Elsewhere, you may find PhD (Su), which stands for Doctor Sulu, a rather controversial qualification only recognised in Mindanao, parts of Lahad Datu in Sabah, and of course in the Malaysian parliament and state assemblies.

There are concerns that some state-owned universities are selling their PhDs to all and sundry, including unsavoury people such as gangsters, politicians, celebrities and even academics.

But since giving out specialised PhDs is a state prerogative as stated in the Federal Constitution, there’s not much the federal governing authority – the Ministry of Even Higher Education or MoEHE – can do about it.

Sarawak universities will of course offer PhD (K), or Doctor Kenyalang, which you can complete in English or Malay, the state’s two official languages. Sabahans will be very unhappy with this and two consecutive state governments will fall because they couldn’t have their own PhD (K) – Doctor Kinabalu – exclusively for themselves.

Upon being awarded such PhDs, awardees are also entitled to use the abbreviation YP, or Yang Pandai, before their names and other titles. Those with two PhDs may use the more prestigious YAP, or Yang Amat Pandai, while those who have none would have to make do with JPP – Jangan Pandai Pandai.

The Malaysian government’s Protocol Department, which has seven thousand employees and a budget of billions, will require all official events be extended by 45 minutes to allow for the proper introduction of the many honoured guests and their titles and qualifications.

While in some states the fee payable for a PhD is a one-time payment, in other states you have to make an annual “donation” on the university’s birthday. Some states even offer package deals, such as two normal PhD (B) – Doktor Biasa – as free gifts you can give to friends when you pay for one PhD (Sr) – Doktor Seri – degree or higher.

Those who’ve received an honorary doctorate must indicate its level, such as PhD (Sr) (2/2H), which stands for Doctor Seri (Second Class Lower/Honorary), as well as adding (Emeritus) for those who received senior citizen discounts. These will determine the seating order at formal gatherings, and the speaking order at meetings. Details can of course be found at the Protocol Department website.

Such Doctors will be automatically listed in a national database. People can no longer cheat their way to their PhDs, such as inventing one, or worse: actually studying for it. Such people can be arrested under the law called the Act Barring Celup Doctors, or the ABCD.

So, if you’re serious about becoming a YP or YPP Doctor, you better know your ABCD.

If you pay for your PhD through a bank loan, your diploma will carry an endorsement by the bank, which can only be removed upon completing the loan repayment. Meanwhile, if you’re travelling abroad and plan to use your PhD title there, you’d need an approval letter from the bank.

In the final stages of implementation are such privileges as special car number plates and decals; special lanes at immigration checkpoints; listings in the latest volume of Who’s Who in Malaysia’s Doctor Who; 7% discount for Bumis, and even the occasional police escort.

In the future there will be comprehensive insurance programmes that allow you to keep your PhD in cases of bankruptcy, criminal conviction or a university stripping you of it. Your children may also inherit your PhD provided it is fully paid for, the bank endorsement has been removed and the children are named as beneficiaries, or alternatively, if you bought the Family Doctor package.

No hurry, supply is not limited, and in the spirit of Malaysia Madani, no racial quotas will be applied! You can even invent your own PhD and for a small fee, get a university to adopt it and award it to your friends and families, too!

I’ve already booked PhD (AI) from Idontgoto University for myself! - FMT

The views expressed are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of MMKtT.