My
family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used
to hearing my father proclaim, “Take it, Max,” as he flipped on the cruise
control during long trips in our station wagon.
Recently, I was travelling with
my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad
leaned back and said, “I think I'll let Tom drive for a while.”
“Tom who?” I asked.
My
mother translated for me: “Tom Cruise, of course!”
My mother is a personal
trainer.
That's a tough job.
I don't think I can do that.
You got to help people with their fitness
goals.
Can you help me define my abs?
Yeah - disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous!
At this
ripe age now, it is not really a hobby,
It's just a drinking problem!
This woman rushed to see her
doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When
I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all
wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were
bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's
bloody wrong with me, Doctor?
The doctor looks her over for a couple of
minutes, then calmly says: Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong
with your eyesight....!!!
A punk walked into a barbershop and sat on an
empty chair.
"Haircut, sir?" asked
the barber.
"No, just change the oil, please!"
Two old
guys were chatting.....
One said to the other: "My
85th birthday was yesterday. My wife gave me a SUV".
Other guy responded: "Wow,
that's amazing!!.....Imagine, a SUV!!.. What a great gift!"
First
guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
I do not trip over things...
I just perform random gravity checks!
The other day I was eating at an Italian
restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favourite
white sweater.
I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong
down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he
could remove just about any stain and get it out like it'd never been there.
So, I took the sweater down to
Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he'd probably be able to have
it cleaned by Thursday. So, on Thursday afternoon after work, I stopped by
Wong's again.
Mr. Wong looked quite
distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing
profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to
expunge.
And sure enough, though fainter
than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt
to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother
across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and
who might have a clue as to the method of removal for this extraordinarily
persistent stain.
The elder Wong brother would rush it through at
no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by
Friday.
So, on Friday I went back to Wong to pick up my
sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother,
too, had failed to remove the red blotch. "No charge," said Wong,
"but you will have to take your sweater elsewhere to clean."
The Moral of the Story: ... Two
Wongs cannot make a white!
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