TUESDAY JOKES - 189

 

Kundasang, Sabah, Malaysia.

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high-tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, the sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." Morris called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press, and Wall Street, responded positively, the sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. 

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes!"

 

NED: A dog clawed at my anus!
ED: Oh no.

NED: Now I have an injured paws terrier!

 

Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?

Signed: Clueless.

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief, woman, you're running for the Vice President of the United States!

 

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say you’re sorry!

 

At my friends' wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. 

He turned to his bride's mother. "You've given me a gift," he began, "a gift that..."

Here he paused in thought, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the sentence, "That you can't return!"

 

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So, Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left!"

 

Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?

A: Look for sesame seed buns!

 

A young girl who was writing a paper for her school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look for the correct number before you dial?”
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with my call. He was probably very busy with something and I annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialled the same number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

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