Why is it so hard to stamp out misogyny and sexism?

 

I really couldn’t care less if a person wanted to marry one, two, three or even a dozen wives. Who am I to interfere with people’s preferences?

There are so many terms when it comes to polygamy such as - polyamory, ethical non-monogamy and whatever trendy words there are now.

However, for me, there needs to be a condition whereby all parties involved are on board with what is going on. Basically, to establish honesty between all parties.

If a man would like to marry a second wife, then he needs to have a conversation with his first wife and make sure that she is okay with it and doesn’t feel like she is being forced into the situation. And if the first wife wants out of the situation, then she should be given the right to leave.

Same with a third or fourth wife. If there is no consent from even one party, I would already consider that a betrayal. But, this is all just my personal opinion.

Recently, the issue of polygamy suddenly came into the spotlight after a PAS MP suggested in Parliament that the government provide moral support for men who are capable of entering polygamy.

As reported in the news, he goes on to say that this could be a solution for the millions of single women above the age of 30. He was even quoted as saying, “Imagine. 4.8 million women are still unmarried”.

The problem for me isn’t polygamy. The problem is more of the fact that Muslim men in Malaysia tend to see polygamy as a right that they have solely and that nobody can question it.

The perspective is that if a man wants to get married to multiple wives, then he can do so without any other consideration. To hell with how his existing wife feels.

Who cares if he can provide for more than one wife or not? What does it matter if he can or cannot treat his wives fairly and equally? Right?

For example, there has been a slew of local celebrities who have been in the media for their polygamous activities. In many of these stories, the men have always been reported as saying that this is a personal matter between him and his wife (or wives).

The women, on the other hand, are usually reported as saying that they either want a divorce or they are resigned to the fact that their husbands want to take another wife and pray that God will give them the strength to persevere.

These do not seem like situations where all parties are on the same page with polygamy, and in my books, this is considered a betrayal on the husbands’ side.

What’s worse, I read a news report quoting a celebrity who married a second wife as saying he knows that it must be very difficult for her (the first wife) to accept his second marriage but hopes that she can overcome her feelings. Wow, that is the epitome of male privilege!

Equality in marriage

Maybe there is a good reason why there are so many women who aren’t married. They just don’t see the benefits or advantages of being a wife. It would seem like they lose their rights of being individuals and making decisions.

A marriage should be a partnership where both sides are equals, can move forward in their relationship and build a family through equal discussions and agreements. One doesn’t just sit back and let the other do whatever he wants and learn to accept it.

So I think that the PAS MP has gotten things a little bit skewed. Instead of asking the government to provide support for men who are capable of being polygamous, he needs to ask the government to review the system that exists to protect women better.

Also, what is the problem of women not being married? As if it is a big sin that women remain single. Maybe they’re just afraid that if women were single, they could challenge men more efficiently.

What societal problems are they solving if they marry off single women to any man available? I would argue that this would create more problems than it would solve (if it was solving any in the first place).

What if the match isn’t right? Wouldn’t that then lead to more broken relationships and families? What if there is abuse, mistreatment and abandonment? Wouldn’t all this be worse for society than just having a high number of single women?

Rise against toxic patriarchy

I have to admit that since I am a man, I don’t need to bother much about what happens with all this noise about gender inequality. Lucky me for being of the more privileged gender!

But for some reason, I do care for the people I love and many of these people that I love are women. My wife is a woman and I try very hard to understand things from her point of view, and the one thing I know is that if she hurts, I hurt too. So I wouldn’t want her to be hurt.

I have two daughters and they are girls who are fast growing up to be women. I see them now growing up and they have such strong and distinct personalities, characters, ambitions, hopes and dreams.

I don’t want them to be faced with situations where they will be burdened and challenged unnecessarily just because they are women. I want them to pursue their lives just the same way I have been able to pursue mine.

So we need to speak out when issues of toxic patriarchy and gender inequality rear their ugly heads. We need to make sure that we stamp this out. It is not just us civil society who need to speak out, but the majority of our elected leaders need to as well, especially since these issues were brought up in Parliament.

We need to nip this in the bud before misogyny and sexism are seen as being legitimised and something valid enough to be discussed in our Dewan Rakyat. Many would argue that it already is, but we can’t stop from trying to eliminate it. - Mkini

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ZAN AZLEE is a writer, documentary filmmaker, journalist and academic. Visit fatbidin.com to view his work.

The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor and do not necessarily represent the views of MMKtT.