The thin line between caring and control

 

Letter to Editor

“If you really love me, you will do that.” Upon hearing this statement, it sounds like an expression of love, loyalty, or commitment.

However, a form of emotional manipulation may lie beneath ini loving words. This form of emotional manipulation quietly pressures you to act against your own wishes, needs, and personal choices.

It is simply an emotional situation when someone’s words make you agree and say ‘Yes’ when you want to say ‘No’.

When you hear the word blackmail, you often associate it with threats involving money, revealing secrets, and damaging information.

Yet, we should keep in mind that not all forms of blackmail involve financial gain.

A less visible form is known as emotional blackmail, where words, phrases, and relationships turn into tools for controlling decisions or influencing behaviour within families, friendships, workplaces, and other social institutions.

The term “emotional blackmail” was introduced in the 1990s by psychotherapist Susan Forward, who reported three key factors that cause someone to be a victim of blackmail: 1) Fear, 2) Obligation, and 3) Guilt (FOG).

That is, when you are emotionally blackmailed, you feel pressured to do what others want to avoid conflict, rejection, or guilt.

The carefully chosen emotional phrases may trigger fear, obligation, or guilt, making you unconsciously feel that you have no choice but to comply.

What makes emotional blackmail particularly concerning is that it often remains invisible. Unlike direct forms of coercion, emotional blackmail can be disguised as love, care, loyalty, or concern, making you sacrifice your own preferences, comfort, or well-being.

Fear

Fear is one of the strongest tools used in emotional blackmail. It refers to the anxiety of negative consequences if you do not obey or follow what is said.

For example, fear in emotional blackmail can take different forms and expressions: a fear of losing the relationship, as in “I will leave you or I will never forgive you”; fear of conflict or anger, as in “I will get angry if you do not listen to what I have said”; fear of rejection or abandonment, “I think we need a break from each other”. It could even occur as a fear of harm: “I can live no more.”

For this reason, evoking fear becomes a powerful tool, as it pressures individuals to comply with the blackmailer’s demands in order to avoid perceived negative outcomes.

This fear is also visible in political communication. For example, following the September 11 attacks, former US President George W. Bush stated: “Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists.” This statement reflected fear-based blackmail as it created social pressure to compel support, rejecting neutrality in his war against Afghanistan.

Obligation

Obligation refers to the feeling of duty or debt toward someone, while no genuine obligation exists.

Therefore, obligation in emotional blackmail can be understood in various everyday statements: “I must always support them because they are my family…”

“They helped me before, so I owe them now…” “I should put their needs above my own…”

“A good daughter/partner would never refuse.”

The blackmailer here creates emotional distress that shakes your ability to make independent decisions, ending in prioritising others’ preferences.

Similarly, political leaders have also used obligation-based language to encourage loyalty and collective action. For example, the current US President Donald Trump has used such expressions to frame political action as a duty.

His statement, “We can’t let them take our country,” generates a moral obligation and collective responsibility to prevent undesirable outcomes and perceived threats.

Guilt

Guilt is not about being guilty of a real crime or wrong act. It rather involves a perceived emotional guilt induced by another person.

Unlike legal guilt, guilt-based emotional pressure is usually created through statements like: “After everything I’ve done for you… “You should know better…”; “Family always comes first…”

Therefore, such expressions are designed to make you feel responsible for another person’s disappointment, unhappiness, or suffering.

An example was observed in Princess Diana’s famous 1995 BBC interview, when she stated: “There were three of us in this marriage.”

This statement was widely interpreted as a powerful expression of emotional pain that evoked public sympathy and emotional reflection.

As a result, understanding emotional blackmail is important because it often goes unrecognised in everyday life.

It often hides behind socially valued emotions such as love, loyalty, sacrifice, and responsibility that we have always been encouraged to practice.

Therefore, recognising such language patterns helps distinguish between healthy relationships and toxic relationships.

Two strategies are suggested, the first of which is awareness, followed by a rational response.

While awareness can improve your emotional literacy and help set healthier interpersonal boundaries, responding to it more rationally helps distinguish between genuine responsibilities and obligations imposed through manipulation.

You should train yourself to communicate your limits firmly and respectfully, making it clear what behaviour is acceptable and what is not.

The ultimate goal in human life is ensuring that relationships are built on respect, honesty, and free choice rather than emotional coercion.

You should know how and when to say ‘No’, especially when your freedom to make your own choices is being subtly undermined.

Dr Hanaa Naji Saleh Samaha is a Lecturer at the Department of English Language, Faculty of Languages and Linguistics, Universiti Malaya.

The views expressed are solely of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of  MMKtT.

- ocus Malaysia