Growing old together: when identity begins to change

 Perhaps ageing is more about care and patience rather than the number of anniversaries celebrated together.

What if growing old together means more than simply staying married?

“Growing old together” is one of those phrases we rarely question. We hear it in wedding speeches, anniversary toasts and that Ed Sheeran love song.

I immediately picture two people with silver hair walking hand in hand. It sounds comforting and ideal, doesn’t it?

But I couldn’t help wondering what growing old together actually looks like.

It probably looks less like a leisurely stroll at Taman Botanica and more like a rush to an IJN waiting room.

It looks like listening to a story you have heard repeatedly because the person telling it no longer remembers they shared it (for the 127th time) yesterday.

It looks like helping someone button a shirt after years of watching them do it unaided. It looks like slowing your pace because the person beside you no longer walks as quickly as they once did.

The older I get, the more I think growing old isn’t simply about ageing. It’s about adapting to loss, specifically, identity loss.

Psychologists have recognised that ageing involves repeated experiences of change, and can bring an unexpected loss of identity, particularly for those whose sense of self was closely tied to their careers.

Illness can chip away at independence. Friends depart, children build lives of their own, and familiar routines gradually disappear. Many older adults grieve even as life continues to unfold around them.

These days, when I hear Carole King’s “You’ve Got a Friend”, I find myself listening to it differently than I did when I was younger.

I reflect on relationships which sustain, or are sometimes defined by simply showing up, again and again, especially when seasons change and life becomes difficult.

Life does become difficult, doesn’t it?

Perhaps that’s why some older people become more impatient, withdrawn or critical.

We often talk about growing old together as though it applies only to husbands and wives. Yet in Malaysia, growing old together is rarely a journey shared by couples alone, more often, it becomes a family story.

Whether we are caring for a spouse whose memory is fading or a parent whose body is slowing down, the emotional demands are often surprisingly similar.

The stress that accompanies long-term caregiving is referred to as caregiver burden. It reminds us that love and exhaustion can exist together.

Feeling overwhelmed does not mean we care less. It simply means we are carrying more than most people can see.

Perhaps this is what growing old together has always meant. Not the number of anniversaries we celebrate together, but more about patience and presence.

We spend much of our lives hoping someone will love us at our best. Perhaps this is why love matters so much in later life.

As our bodies, roles and routines change, the people who love us can help us embrace who we are becoming, whether they have walked beside us for decades or have only recently entered our lives, becoming part of our story much later.

Because growing older isn’t only about holding on to the past. It’s also about having the courage to grow into a new version of ourselves, knowing we don’t have to do it alone. - FMT

The views expressed are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of MMKtT.