A young
couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came
back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and
family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in
the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single
line, "Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to
identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had
a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the
identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of
value.
And on
the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in
the same handwriting as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you
know!"
Pre' means before...
'Post' means after...
To use
both prefixes together would be preposterous!
A plumber was called to a
woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived, he was
pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked lady, and
during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About
5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my
husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the
office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up from where we left
off."
The
plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time!!!"
Death and taxes are
inevitable...
But at
least death doesn't get worse every year!
As a group of robbers entered the bank, their leader went to the
manager and asked him to open the vault. He threatened the manager by saying,
"If you try to do anything smart, you'll be fiction."
The manager was confused and asked him, "Did you mean 'You
are history'?"
The robber angrily replied back, "Do not change the subject,
okay?"
After being with her all evening, the man
couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a
friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something
like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his
eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My
grandfather just died.
"Thank heavens," his date replied.
"If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Q:
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask
your Mom!
A Canadian customer was calling to find out if
there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menu.
Agent: "Certainly, sir.
There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose
you want to trigger the Select All command."
Caller: "Yes, I use that
one all the time! How do I do it?"
Agent: "Well, you just
press Control-A."
Caller (after a pause):
"Well, that's not working for me."
Agent: "Do you have a text
document open in front of you?"
Caller: "Yes, I sure
do."
Agent: "OK, now press
Control-A."
Caller: "I am, but nothing
happens."
Agent: "The text isn't
highlighted?"
Caller: "No, there's no
change at all."
Agent: "That's odd. If you
press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press
Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening."
Caller (nearing his Canadian
breaking point): "Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's
happening, eh?"
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