Pete
and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk
trying to fill in the gap of those years by talking about their lives. Finally,
Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
"I've got a wife and three
kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you
live?"
"Here's the address. And
there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the
front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the
button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go
down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with
your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what
is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator
buttons with my right?
"Surely, you're not coming
empty-handed!"
An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge
and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks."
"What do you want to do,
get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked.
"Maybe later," the
kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch!"
My
friends asked me to go camping, so I made a list of the things I would need:
“1. New friends!”
A young girl was attending her first wedding,
watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The
groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by
one. Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just
hurry up and pick one?”
What do
you call a fish wearing a bow tie?"
Sofishticated!
A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to
his wife in the United States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free
time and keep his mind away from the local women.
The wife complied and sent the best one she could
find, along with several dozen lesson and music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to
their home and through the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come
here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out,
then make love all night. I've missed your loving so much !"
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All
in good time, lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica!"
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap
in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera!
A guy comes home completely
drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife,
who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you
been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he
says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a
golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe
his story, and the next day she checks the phone book, finding a place across
town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check
her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden
Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answered the phone.
"Yes, it is,"
bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden
doors?"
"Sure do." "Do
you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden
urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the
woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got
a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone last night!"
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