Hidup, King Kulup the Great

The government of Malaysia should declare a “Rani Kulup Day” so we can all troop to the nearest police station and lodge reports of our own.

COMMENT

How would you describe a person in need of constant attention?

Insecure? Needy? Pathetic? Self-centred? Obnoxious?

Or you could simply call him Rani Kulup.

Yup, he is our latest megastar in the making. With his red beret, paramilitary uniform, nifty shades and triple chin, even Bollywood King Shah Rukh Khan, comes nowhere close.

Truly speaking, charismatic individuals like Rani Kulup are a rarity these days. You could say endangered – like the orang utans of Borneo.

And that is why I feel the need to write about this special man in my column today.

As I browsed through this great man’s Facebook account, I felt like I was getting to know him intimately. And let me tell you, this amazing 60-year-old, apart from being a loving husband to his two wives, nine children and six grandkids, has devoted his life to lodging police reports.

Yes, Rani Kulup is no ordinary man. The world might know him as the headline-grabbing Malaysian with a compulsive obsessive disorder for lodging police reports. But not many people know the mystery hidden behind these reports.

Back in January 2015, Rani Kulup boasted about having lodged 300 police reports since the establishment of his NGO in 2008 (Source: The Rakyat Post). But today, he claims to have made more than 1,000 police reports since 2011 (Source: The Malay Mail).

Now I don’t know about you, but my average human brain found itself totally and absolutely flabbergasted at the sheer number of police reports he has lodged so far.

And this amazing man does not only shine in wisdom and fabulosity. His patriotism is so divine that I believe every citizen of Malaysia could learn a thing or two from the all-knowing Rani Kulup.

According to him, lodging police reports is a national duty and anyone who wishes to save our country from the clutches of corruption and evil should start doing their bit.

You know, Rani Kulup is so right. Lodging police reports is not only a national duty, it is our right as a citizen. Plus the police have no right to turn away anyone who wants to lodge a report. Besides, why should we allow the policemen at our stations to idle their day away when we could be doing them a big favour by occupying their time with our idle reports instead?

Think about it. There are endless things to lodge police reports over.

You could lodge a report against the mosquitoes that bite you at night or against the mamak who served you some tasteless muck he called Teh Tarik. Perhaps you could report your partner for snoring too loudly in bed. No wonder lah Rani Kulup is able to lodge more than 1,000 reports in four years! Didn’t I tell you the man was brilliant?

I believe the great Rani Kulup deserves a special place of privilege in the Malaysian Book of Records as the man who has lodged the most number of police reports in the history of Malaysia.

Perhaps our government whom he loves so much would consider picking one special day to be officially known as ‘Rani Kulup Day’.

On that day, all of us citizens of Malaysia can hold hands in unity and troop to the nearest police station to lodge reports of our own about everything and anything while decked out in our best red berets, paramilitary uniforms and nifty shades.

Heck, we could even lodge police reports against the triple-chinned clown who looks like Muammar Ghadaffi for annoying the heck out of us by lodging too many police reports!

That would be simply marvellous, wouldn’t it?

Hidup Rani Kulup!

Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!