Three
guys, an Indonesian, a Thai, and a Malaysian signed up for the Police
Academy.
The
Indonesian guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask
you one question before we admit you in to the Academy, Who killed Jesus?"
The
Indonesian guy says "The Romans did it." The Captain says,
"Right, you're admitted."
The Thai guy goes in next. The
Captain asks him the same thing. "We have to ask you one question first
before you're admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?" The Thai
guy says "The Romans did it." The Captain says, "Right, you're
admitted."
The
Malaysian guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question. The Malaysian guy
says, "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells him to go home and think
about it for a week and to come back and tell him.
The
Malaysian guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the
Academy, and he says to her, "You won't believe it! My first day on the
job and they assigned me to a murder case!"
Q: Why did the tomato turn
red?
A: It saw the salad dressing!
A physician had just finished up a colonoscopy.
Before the patient leaves, he asks the physician,
"Could you write a note for my wife, saying that my head isn't really down
there?"
Fellow 1 : "Now my
grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was
the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day,
and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's
Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told
him."
"I'd
like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the
attractive salesgirl. "But I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she
asked sweetly, placing her hand on his.
"Why yes," he
answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."
"Will there be anything
else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now
that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some
lingerie!"
Stare at the computer screen, grind your teeth,
stop, look at the person next to you, grinding.
Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke
the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far
more effective to let them linger!
An old
lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a
divorce.
"A divorce?" asked
the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four,"
answered the old lady.
"Eighty-four! And how old
is your husband?"
"My husband is
eighty-seven."
"My, my," said the
lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be
sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years?!
Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the woman
answered calmly, "enough is enough!"
Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby
in 2 months.
One day, Jim comes home from work and asks
Sandra, "why haven't we made love in a long time?"
"You know I'm worried it will hurt the
baby," Sandra told him.
"I'll be really gentle. I
promise," Jim tells her.
Sandra protests but Jim manages
to finally convince her that he won't hurt the baby so they made love.
Two months later Sandra gives
birth to a baby boy.
When the baby was two years old, he looked at the
doctor and says, "Are you, my father?" The doctor shakes his head in
denial.
Then to Sandra, "Are you,
my father?" "No, I'm your mother," she tells him.
Finally, the baby sees Jim and
says, "Are you, my father?" Jim nods.
The baby starts hitting him on
the head and says, "How does this feel?"
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