Ya Allah! What’s next?

The 'Allah' judgment means the rest of the Islamic world is all wrong. Wow, what a moment – Jakim/Umno have seen more light than the rest of the world!

COMMENT

London Lookout

Why don’t we have such charity shops in Malaysia? I wonder for the millionth time. The answer is, because we have such bloated, competitive egos.

What!? Use a blender that someone else has been using? What if the rice cooker still has undetectable germs that might poison your guts? Uggghh wearing second hand clothes – even if it is a well-preserved Yves Saint Laurent swanky leather jacket that costs 500 pounds which is now being sold at 29 pounds?

Sorry we just don’t do second hand stuff in Malaysia, thank you.

I walk out of Oxfam with the well-preserved Yves Saint Laurent swanky leather jacket that costs 500 pounds which I bought for 29 pounds. And also a small but heavy stainless steel pot to cook my soups in the winter…germs be damned.

“Excuse me, can I have a word with you – won’t be a minute?”

The interruption comes from a very young Pakistani boy – doesn’t look more than 18, I should think. He has a leaflet in his hand. His counterpart, a slightly older African youth, guards the little table they have set up in front of Oxfam, the charity shop.

Locals pass by us, no one stopping or even glancing at our direction, and I wonder, why me?

Ten minutes later I walk away having been told that Islam is the way forward in this evil-laden world and the only way peace can be achieved. All the time, it didn’t even occur to the young chap to ask me if I’m Muslim, or which faith I belong to, but it’s ok, he seems earnest about achieving peace.

It’s not uncommon in England for people of any faith to preach and proselytize, just as it’s not uncommon for most people to ignore people who religiously preach and proselytize.

Now we come to the interesting part. Let’s change the country to Malaysia and the two young men into Christians, Buddhists, Hindus, Sikhs or God forbid..atheists. You can’t even imagine such a thing happening in Malaysia right? Neither can I.

But we can all immediately imagine what WILL happen in Malaysia if any Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Sikh or God forbid..atheist dares to set up such a table even in remote Wang Kelian [a forested sleepy hollow at the tip of Perlis, bordering Thailand].

The act will invoke the wrath of Jakim, Perkasa, Pekida, Utusan Malaysia, TV3, Ibrahim Ali, the haloed Tun etc who will immediately demand blood for the most heinous of blasphemous acts.

How dare someone do this is in the land of the special sun? Apparently, Malaysia is uniquely pampered by a different sun from the rest of the world as we have a different way of interpreting the Quran from the rest of the world – even the Arab world.

Purer than pure
It’s quite strange considering by and large Malay Muslims regard anything from the Middle East heartland as the epitome of Islam, as a result of which we continue to witness the Arabisation of Malay culture, language, food etc. Except it seems when it comes to this thorny matter of ownership over Allah.

How will the reaction be I wonder if it’s revealed to the seemingly ignorant Malaysian populace that Allah is just the Arab word for God and that many a Christian Sunday mass from Bethleham to Beirut is conducted in Arab!?

In Malaysia, Islam and the holy Quran are interpreted the Jakim/Umno way, which means when Jakim/Umno say you cannot use the word Allah to The Herald [or any other publication that might have been doing it since time immemorial], it is the law.

And just so no one dares to mock their diktat, the order comes from the Court of Appeal, read out by three men who somehow remind me of the Tiga Abdul band of brothers from the P Ramlee comedy classic.

We Malaysians love our comedians, we do. Just like Jakim/Umno enjoy their ‘enemies of Islam’ fetish. Just like how Lord Perkasa, the not at all Honourable Ibrahim Ali, relishes putting his foot in his mouth.

But it’s really not fair to single out Lord Perkasa, especially when an Appeals Court judge explains the court’s decision thusly: “If the word Allah is to be employed in the Malay versions of The Herald to refer to God, there will be a risk of misrepresentation of God within Christianity… The potential for confusion is not confined only to Muslims but also to Christians.”

To confuse us further the honourable judge also points out that ‘the Indonesian, Malay and Middle Eastern Bibles erred by using the word Allah to refer to God in the Bible.’

To my understanding this means the rest of the Islamic world is all wrong. Wow, what a moment – Jakim/Umno have seen more light than the rest of the world!

Didn’t I tell you we have a special sun that shines exclusively over Malaysia? We are truly exclusive, we are. Just get rid of those pesky natives of Borneo, and we will be purer than pure. Oh wait, they are BN’s vote bank…damn.

If, like me, you’re now thinking “What next lah?”, be warned. Think about this bigger nightmare for Malaysians – how did we get our lah habit?

“Allah, ini pun tak tahu?” could have eventually become “Lah, ni pun tak tahu?”

“Ya Allah, bodohnya engkau!” could have morphed into “bodohlah engkau!”

And finally….

“Tak adalah”=“No lah”, “Pergilah ”= “Go away lah”, “Apa lagilah Cina ni mau?”= “What more these Chinese want lah?”

Catch my drift? This by Jakim/Umno’s definition will be: Lah=Allah=only Malay Muslims can use it. Call the Tiga Abduls!

The writer is doing a course with a leading newspaper in the British capital and seizes the opportunity to ‘lepak’ and lookout for all things us in this new column called ‘London Lookout’.