SATURDAY JOKES - 166

 

Simpang Mengayau, Kudat, Sabah, Malaysia

Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. 

The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer. 

The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100, he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove them all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. 

"Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. 

And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!”

 

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. 

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." 

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five ringgit you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." 

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five ringgit, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. 

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five ringgit. 

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five ringgit." 

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from Grandma!

 

Hopelessly and completely embarrassed, a man shuffles back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. 

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." 

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, 200 ringgit an hour!

 

A man and a woman were approaching their 50th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, the woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night, and eat at the dinner table topless. The woman agreed. 

On their anniversary night, at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were 50 years ago." 

The man replies, "Sayang, that's because they are sitting in your soup!

 

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. 

The bartender says "single?" 

And the guy replies, "No - happily married, but curious!”

 

Ahmad walks into a coffee-shop and finds his friend Hassan sitting on a stool. "Hassan," Ahmad says, "I'm glad to see your wife finally let you out of the house." 

"Things have been different with my wife," Hassan says. "In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was boss." 

"How did you do that?" asks Ahmad. "I simply said to her, 'Liza, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who is the boss in this relationship'." 

"What happened?" "Well, I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees." 

"How did you do that?" 

"I was hiding under the bed at the time!”

 

 A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. 

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. 

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get really screwed!"

 

“It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. 

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. 

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. 

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a good time. When he has had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, beef bacon, sausage, blueberry pancakes, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming Colombian coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a ringgit bill sticking out from under her bra cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the ringgit for?" "Well, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. 

And the jerk said, 'Screw him, just give him a ringgit.' The breakfast was my idea!”

 

The teacher asked little Saiful if he knew his numbers.

"Yes" he said, "My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four" answered the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," said the teacher. "Your dad did an excellent job. And what comes after ten?"

"Jack!"

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