SATURDAY JOKES - 168

Kinabalu Park, Sabah, Malaysia

A fat lady was complaining of a plane flight and how she had been charged for two tickets because of her size.
She thought that this was unfair that she had to pay twice just because she took up two seats and weighed three times the average passenger's weight.

She moaned and groaned and bitched nearly the whole flight until the stewardess came along with two dinners!

 

"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
"My wife put it there to remind me to take a letter to the Post Office."
"And did you mail it?"

"No, she forgot to give me the letter!"

 

This morning I went to sign my pet dog up for welfare. At first, the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". 

So, I explained to her that my dog is a mix of colours, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English, and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.

So, she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. 

My dog gets his first dole cheque this Friday. 

This is a great country!

 

Just helped my neighbour throw a rolled-up carpet in the dumpster...

Her boyfriend would have helped but he is out of town!

 

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog!"

 

I'm was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.
"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"
"I'm waiting," Jon said.
"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man!"

 

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for RM 10 each.
The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at RM 10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He then announced that he would buy monkeys at RM 20 each. This renewed the villagers' efforts and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon, the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to RM 25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at RM 50 each! However, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.
The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at RM 35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for RM 50."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 1 billion ringgit.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WORKS!!!

It doesn't get much clearer than this........

 

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 

Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.

Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."

Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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