TUESDAY JOKES - 170

 

Tempua (humming) bird nest cage

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest.

Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size!"

 

How do you make a blonde a brunette?

Turn her upside down!

 

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?"

The kid embarrassingly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size". 

The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.

She grabs him, and then yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"

 

Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally!

 

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this - my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression!"

 

It was a black man.....a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of Pepsi. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out.
"You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them."
"OK, OK," and without hesitation he says, "first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.
Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet!

I was in New York last Christmas, it's snowing, there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, Dude, aren't you cold? No, I'm from New York, I don't get cold. Just cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, in fact sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be colder!

 

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. 

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than when you were with me?" "Yes, my husband." 

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear. I am the sole woman in Paradise consisting of all well-endowed men!"

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