Bill,
an avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a golf
course in Heaven.
The Medium says that his
request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a
few days.
After several days go by, Bill
finally gets a call from the Medium.
"Well," said Bill,
"What did you find out?"
"I've got good news and
bad news for you," said the Medium.
"OK, what's the good
news?" Bill exclaimed.
"Well, there is a
beautiful 36-hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24-hour access with
your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!
"And the bad news?"
asked Bill.
"You're
due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning!" the Medium
said.
A
grasshopper walks into a bar.
The
bartender, Steve laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after
you!"
The
grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his
face, and asked, "Do you have a drink called Steve?"
During
his physical examination, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity
level.
He described a typical day of
his in this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from
an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a
patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind some
big trees.'
Inspired
by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!'
'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a shitty golfer!'
What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race
together?
The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying
to ketchup!
A blind
man was describing his favourite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was
accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door
and told when to jump"
"My hand is placed on my
release ring for me, and out I go"
"But how do you know when
you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense
of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the
ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when
to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again
asked.
He
quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack!"
I was
reading this article the other day, and it said, The perfect way to spice up
your love life is to make love in a car wash.
Let me tell you guys from my experience - no, it
is not. It's also the perfect way to ruin a church fundraiser!
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that
is the beginning of a new argument!
A young
ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the
fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your
stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde
women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her
worth as a human being? It is men like you who keep women like me from being
respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
human. It is people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb.
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist
begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this.
I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!'
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